I just can’t seem to figure it out. Maybe I bought shade cells instead, by accident.
This 1,000,000 year energy payback is sweet!
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WTF
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Brazilian Authority job application
Groundbreaking. Finally we get the ultimate breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for ever since that Air France flight plunged into the ocean off the coast of Brazil:
“At least some of the bodies recovered from the Air France crash this month had broken bones, Brazilian authorities have told French investigators…”
Wait wait wait, so you mean to tell me that when this plane crashed into the ocean after dropping 35,000 feet, some of the passengers broke bones? 35,000 feet. Crash….are you serious?
If you dropped me off of a 7 foot wall I’d probably break a bone. In fact, I know people that broke bones and they didn’t even crash into anything! Imagine that!
Who hires the people that comprise the “Brazilian authority?” I’d really like to know because I have a couple of acquaintances that didn’t graduate 8th grade and would NEVER get a GED that could probably use a solid job.
“Paul-Louis Arslanian, director of the Bureau d’Enquetes et d’Analyses, the French accident investigation board, said Thursday that Brazilian medical examiners had given that information to his agency.”
I’ll bet his response, translated into “American” was probably: “sweet, thanks…”
WTF!
enough already...
At this point I’m begging. I’m on my knees, begging, praying, I’ll do anything aside from raping my sister to keep this from happening again.
Brett Favre says he’s considering a return.
GO AWAY DUDE. SERIOUSLY. GO THE FUCK AWAY.
An athlete gets to ride off into the sunset one time. Unless you’re named Michael and your last name rhymes with Gordan, when you retire you need to be said and done. Brett my man, you do not qualify. I absolutely cannot endure another year of ESPN felating you every time you step to a microphone. I absolutely cannot watch Rachel Nichols massage your balls under the press table anymore. I’m done Brett, I’m fucking done alright?
Accept the fact that you’re going to be remembered as the guy that threw the most interceptions EVER, came back only to suck in New York, and live out your life with your dog and your ugly-ass wranglers. I’m begging you Brett, please man, please.
Turn around Paco!
Thank GOD for Swine Flu. Thank God. I live in California and it’s about time somebody alerted the media to the fact that Mexicans are crawling into my state on a daily basis through a series of tunnels. Oh wait, this has been happening for years now……so…..so…..what?
Who cares? Well, apparently the government does now that these little fuckers are supposedly bringing over a version of the flu that only kills babies and grandmas (who for the record should probably die anyways according to Darwin – but that’s neither here nor there).
What’s ridiculous about this, other than those that say we should “close the border“ is that we can’t seem to find a way to detect these tunnels. Let’s see here, we landed on the moon. We beat Russia in a dogfight in Top Gun. And we developed an infrastructure that would make a Malaysian man shit his pants. Buuuuuuuuttttttttt, we can’t detect tunnels.
“Most of those have been uncovered through human intelligence, since there are no currently available technical means to reliably detect tunnels.”
No technological means? Hey fuckheads, give Jack Bauer a call. That man can say 13 words to Chloe and next thing we know we’ll have a satellite spitting out images of every tunnel from the Pacific to the Gulf of Mexico. Shit, he could probably run from California to Texas and drop dynamite into each gopher hole along the way, reducing the amount of tunnels from Mexico to America by like 100%. And he’d be home in time to have sex with my mom.
This can’t be that difficult! With all due respect, Mexicans invented the shovel in like 2003, so their shit’s not that advanced. We’re not talking Viet Cong tunnels laced with mines and traps that are like 13 stories deep. These are GOPHER HOLES. Gopher holes:
“Most of the tunnels are pretty crude, what law enforcement call gopher holes.”
Are you kidding me? Seriously, WTF.
You're better than this ESPN
Rarely do I get frustrated with ESPN. Basically I live, breathe, and die sports so it’s quite hard for the boys at ESPN.com to piss me off. HOWEVER, this is retarded. You guys must be really fucking bored over there in Bristol right now.
Imagine the buzz in the story room when Thomas Neumann came up with this idea:
Lead Editor: “Guys, what’s going on, we need some ideas, brainstorm, spit it out!”
Bill Simmons: “Well, the NBA Playoffs just started, baseball is two weeks in, 24 polo horses died yesterday…”
Neumann: “I got it! What if EVERY FOOTBALL PLAYER IN THE WORLD were in college and we did a mock draft!?!?! Yeah, sounds awesome!!”
Bill Simmons: “WHAT?”
Lead Editor: “Great idea Neumann, bang it out.”
Simmons probably spit out his coffee and contemplated punching Neumann in the throat. What a fucking waste of time.
WTF?
Normally, right about now I’d be finishing dinner, trying to convince my girlfriend to tea bag me while I jerk off to Survivor Man or something like that. Instead I’m going to point out the ALL TIME WORST COLLECTION OF HEADLINES…..EVER. CNN, I hate you.
The following articles show up on CNN.com RIGHT NOW:
1. Dad finds daughter he thought was dead.
2. Kutcher leads CNN on Twitter.
3. Five great burger joints worth traveling for.
4. Hulk Hogan: My O.J. comments misunderstood.
5. ‘Dog’ says he doesn’t want to forget racial slur.
6. 2-inch tree grew in guy’s lung, docs say.
7. Last Titanic survivor selling momentos.
8. Send in your vintage postcards.
9. Cheer coach fired for Playboy photos.
10. Couple finds body in kitchen, buries it.
FUCKING WHAT? F.U.C.K.I.N.G. W.H.A.T.! “Send in your vintage postcards?” Are you kidding me?
I don’t know which absurd piece of non-news blows my mind more, but next time I find a fucking dead guy on my kitchen floor I’m definitely taking his ass outside and burying him. Fuck the po-lice, I’ll handle that shit myself. WTF!!
