Yup, it's like that.
We think about it a lot. We do. But remember ladies, I’m just trying to help you and your man take your relationship to new heights. I’m attempting to bridge the gap of our collective enjoyment in between the sheets. The Commodore comes in peace. Without further ado:
1) Leave. The Tip. Alone. I can’t stress this enough. This goes for when we’re grating cheese, when we’re doing our taxes, before we cum, when we cum, and ESPECIALLY after we cum. If you think the head of a man’s penis is like a woman’s clitoris, you’re wrong. I don’t know if paraplegic men have been advising the writer’s of Cosmo through the years, telling girls that sucking on the head of a man’s penis like a Blow-pop is an enjoyable sensation, because it most certainly is not. It actually feels like getting tasered. It’s like already being marginally cold and then stepping into a cold shower and having that initial spray of water hit you in the back. Yeah, it feels like that. So ladies, stay away from the mushroom caps. The only word you should be concerned with is “shaft”. But I know you have to get past the tip to get there so here’s my advice in the form of a metaphor. Treat the tip like the security guard at a concert when you’re sneaking booze in. Show respect. Don’t mingle too long. Don’t act silly. Give it a “Howd’ya do?” and keep on moving. The shaft is the concert. Enjoy your evening.
2) If we go down on you, you’re pretty much obligated to swallow when you go down on us. If you don’t swallow, you blow at your job, and the oral pleasure we just gave you probably won’t happen again because we are clearly not seeing eye to eye on this whole “shared plesaure” thing. It’s not that we don’t like going down on you, because we do. We like seeing you love it, but you have to understand that when we go down on you, we’re dealing with your bodily fluids from second one while also trying to decipher instructions such as “right there”, “a little higher”, “lower”, “softer”, “harder”, “gentler”. It’s like trying to pat our head, rub our tummy and cook quinoa at the same time.
You, on the other hand, have to put a cylinder of skin in your mouth and move back and forth a few times. Whoopty dee doo. So when you don’t swallow, but want the accolades and praise as if you had given a real blowjob, it’s almost laughable. It’s like being injured for the whole season on a championship winning team. Yeah, you get a ring, but you didn’t earn it. Stop bragging like you did something productive. The swallowing part is what makes it a job. If not swallowing was acceptable, it would be called a blowtask.
3) If you show cleavage, we’re going to stare. The more you show, the more we’ll stare. I mean, it’s quite simple. You’re showing cleavage for attention, and it’s fine. But when you get attention for it (and not your self-proclaimed “brains”), don’t be pissed, just embrace it. When I wear my gold chains, I know that I am wearing them for the attention I will get. So when the ladies say, “Hey Commodore, nice gold chains!”, I don’t roll my eyes at them for noticing. If I didn’t want them to notice, I would have mailed half of them to Cash-4-Gold by now. Works both ways, ladies.
4) Men would always RATHER do you in the butt. It’s not that we’re sick bastards that watch too much porn (…) We just don’t want you to get unnecessarily pregnant. Condoms can break and being on the pill affects your mood and causes you to gain weight. We’re willing to get poop on our most prized asset because we’re just trying to remove all types of stress from YOUR life. “Anal sex. Because chivalry is back.”
5) After we’ve climaxed twice already…our penis pretty much just hurts. The penis is a muscle and it gets tired when it is flexed for a long time. We are only continuing with sex because we think that by showing off our sexual prowess, you might let us do Point #4, above, more often. So stop asking us “Does it feel good?” when we are making love “post second ejaculation”. No it doesn’t. That blank concentrated look on our face is in truth, pain. We’re surprised you can’t tell by our semi-erect penis that you keep trying to jam in your body but it keeps coming out. For us, the first ejaculation is like jumping into a teal blue lake on a scorching hot day. The second one is like like treading water in that lake while a mini cramp creeps up. The third one is like trying to stay afloat with lead boots on. Hurry up please. We’re coming back to the boat for a ham sandwich and a nap.
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