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threat level

Tom Ridge, You’re Such a Pansy

by Commodore on August 31, 2009

Director of Shithead

Director of Shithead

Dear Tom Ridge,

What happened Tom?  Heat a little too hot in the kitchen once you threw the “Crusade 2.0 crew” under the bus for your own economic gain?

Former Homeland Security secretary Tom Ridge, speaking for the first time about accusations made in his new book, says he did not mean to suggest that other top Bush administration officials were playing politics with the nation’s security before the 2004 presidential election.

Tom, are you an invertebrate?  Can’t anyone have a backbone and stand up and be accountable for something?  Anything?  In the spirit of capitalism, you wrote a tell-all book to make money and in this book you said:

“Ashcroft strongly urged an increase in the threat level, and was supported by Rumsfeld,” he writes. “There was absolutely no support for that position within our department. None. I wondered, ‘Is this about security or politics?’ “  Although he prevailed and the threat level was not elevated, Ridge writes that the episode reinforced his decision to resign. He did so weeks after the election.

Wow.  That really is some tell-all stuff!  But you had to have known that that sentence alone would sell half of your books and being the Director of Homeland Security after 9/11, you must have had every CIA Tom, Dick and Harry scan through your book for things you are allowed to divulge and things you aren’t.  There must haven been multiple times someone editing your book lowered their glasses, raised their eyebrows, looked you in the eye and then pointed to the above text in red.  And what did you do?  You nodded with the armor of honesty and justice because it had to be said, the public needed to know what really happened.

Last week, when word got out about Ridge’s accusations, Rumsfeld’s spokesman Keith Urbahn issued a statement calling them “nonsense.”  Now, Ridge says he did not mean to suggest he was pressured to raise the threat level, and he is not accusing anyone of trying to boost Bush in the polls. “I was never pressured,” Ridge said.

You fucking pussy.  Does Rummy use your nuts like Chinese stress balls or something?  Your inability to tell the truth when it happened was shameful enough.  Your deciding to use the truth to sell some books was even worse.  Your now renegging on the truth because of the heat you took from the “Fear Factor crew” is despicable.  You were just pressured into making a decision for what’s sure to be political gains.  How ironic.  But I’m sure we’ll hear about this little game in your next book 5 years from now after you’ve won a Senate seat. 

Tom, you’re a prick and you wear prick pants.

Sincerely,

Browtf

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Taste The Rainbow

by Commodore on July 14, 2009

Hmm.  Which one is it?

Hmm. Which one is it?

Everyday since 9/11, the American public has relied on a multicolored terror alert system to help us decide if we were going to put on flip flops or our shit stomping steel toes that day. 

The five-tiered system that goes from green, which signals a low danger of attack, to red, which signals a severe threat of attack, has proven to be confusing at times, and critics say the different colors are too vague to deliver enough information to be useful.

Really?  Flashing colors on a TV screen was too vague of a way of delivering information?  How could that be?  What were you gonna do, use words?  I mean, sheesh! 

President’s Assistant: Mr. President!  We are under attack!  What should we do?!

The president holds up a red highlighter.

President’ Assistant: Good idea!

That conversation is about as clear as watching Major League on TBS.  (This is ACTUALLY how TBS edits the scene where the team decided that they need to win it all after finding out that the owner wants to move the team.)

Jake Taylor: I guess there’s only one thing left to do…(this next part omitted)Win the whole…fuckin…thing.

Rest of Team: Yes!…Yeah man!

Wait, what?  What they hell are they gonna do?!  If you’ve never seen that movie, you’d be so confused watching it on TBS. 

The United States hasn’t been attacked since 2001, and the system hasn’t changed since 2006 when a U.S.-bound terrorist plot was thwarted in Britain. At that time, the threat level for aviation was raised to red for flights from Britain.

What a great warning system!  We were just almost attacked so that therefore made the “threat level” red.  Wow.  So advanced.  This just in: A dog will turn its head in the direction of a noise too. 

We’re so retarded.

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