by Commodore on August 4, 2009
No fear.
I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m referring to some hot Russian exports that I’ve been trying to marry online. Oh contraire mon frair.
Russian soccer fans have been told to drink whisky on their trip to Wales for next month’s World Cup qualifier to ward off the H1N1 Swine Flu virus, the head of the country’s supporter association (VOB) said Monday. “We urge our fans to drink a lot of Welsh whisky as a form of disinfection,” VOB head Alexander Shprygin told Reuters. “That should cure all symptoms of the disease.”
Wow. I’m sure FIFA is backing that sentiment too. In case your history is a bit rusty, the Russians are that group of people that mowed down their own retreating soldiers in WWII. The horrors of that memory have clearly been forgotten because now there are more lambs to the slaughter for God and country.
“Russian fans don’t fear anything or anybody so this virus will not stand in our way of supporting our team. We don’t want our team to be without any support for such an important match so we urge our fans to go to Wales despite the health warning,” a spokesman said.
That is so badass. Americans have pride but it can’t compare to Mother Russia. People stayed home from work because of the Swine Flu. American fans would be told to buy a bottle of hand sanitizer, drink some tea and root from home. The American spirit travels great distances. Russians are told to sack up, enter the lions den and buy a bottle of whiskey. Americans don’t even show up to games in our own country if we catch wind that there are going to be numerous Mexicans there. We are told that Mexicans are dirty and that worries us.
I wish I was Russian at times like these. But I’m guessing I’m too big of a pussy to make the cut. I mean, I write a blog. How pussy is that?
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by Uncle Awesome on May 12, 2009
This is an old family photo from my Florida vacation, true story!
We told you here at Browtf that Swine Flu was not to be taken seriously. That the media is full of more lies and exaggerations than a sixth grader talking about his girlfriend he met over the summer, you wouldn’t have known her, she lived in Canada but she was super hot, and let me touch her boobs.
Just for the record, any stories I have ever told about any of my long distance girlfriends from middle school are all completely true. If anything I down played them. I’m talking big time sluts, super hot, mostly in their early 20’s. I was really mature for the seventh grade. One time when I was 13, I was in South Florida; I was accused of rape by a manipulative rich girl and her trailer trash classmate. The cop on the case began to suspect a conspiracy and dove into an elaborate and devious web of greed and betrayal to find the truth. Yeah, that was crazy, the rich one looked exactly like Denise Richards, and the trailer trash one looked like that chick from party of five, only trashier. One ended up dead, the other without a tooth, but I totally nailed them, my friends never met them or anything, but it happened, swear to god, I don’t have to prove anything to you.
Oh yeah, swine flu doesn’t even require drugs to get better, it’s less worrisome than a cold.
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by Big Lou Al Timber on May 3, 2009
Turn around Paco!
Thank GOD for Swine Flu. Thank God. I live in California and it’s about time somebody alerted the media to the fact that Mexicans are crawling into my state on a daily basis through a series of tunnels. Oh wait, this has been happening for years now……so…..so…..what?
Who cares? Well, apparently the government does now that these little fuckers are supposedly bringing over a version of the flu that only kills babies and grandmas (who for the record should probably die anyways according to Darwin – but that’s neither here nor there).
What’s ridiculous about this, other than those that say we should “close the border“ is that we can’t seem to find a way to detect these tunnels. Let’s see here, we landed on the moon. We beat Russia in a dogfight in Top Gun. And we developed an infrastructure that would make a Malaysian man shit his pants. Buuuuuuuuttttttttt, we can’t detect tunnels.
“Most of those have been uncovered through human intelligence, since there are no currently available technical means to reliably detect tunnels.”
No technological means? Hey fuckheads, give Jack Bauer a call. That man can say 13 words to Chloe and next thing we know we’ll have a satellite spitting out images of every tunnel from the Pacific to the Gulf of Mexico. Shit, he could probably run from California to Texas and drop dynamite into each gopher hole along the way, reducing the amount of tunnels from Mexico to America by like 100%. And he’d be home in time to have sex with my mom.
This can’t be that difficult! With all due respect, Mexicans invented the shovel in like 2003, so their shit’s not that advanced. We’re not talking Viet Cong tunnels laced with mines and traps that are like 13 stories deep. These are GOPHER HOLES. Gopher holes:
“Most of the tunnels are pretty crude, what law enforcement call gopher holes.”
Are you kidding me? Seriously, WTF.
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by Uncle Awesome on May 2, 2009
Cock? No Cock?? Find Out at Eleven
ABC News today reported that Swine Flu is not as bad as originally reported.
NO SHIT!!! It’s the fucking flu, just like we said. Even though ABC gets some credit for saying this, they only deserve about as much credit as a monkey for learning not to eat his own shit. I say this because the headline on ABC was “Swine Flu Death Ebbs, but Could Come Back Strong” They want you to know your safe. . . . . for now, but so help you God, at the drop of a hat, this non-deadly, mildly annoying flu could return. . . ONLY WORSE!
The news nowadays is like a Thai hooker:
First they try to frighten you into wanting the information they’ve got.
Hooker: If you don’t pay me another $100 bucks, I’m telling your wife you just got a blowjob by a tranny.
News: Swine Flu will kill you by sundown; find out how to save yourself after the break.
Fair enough, they have your attention at this point. Now you need to know more. You’re scared. Are you going to die? Is it deadly? Did you just get the worlds greatest BJ from a dude or a chick? Are you gay now? I mean, it was amazing! You need to know more.
You To Hooker: Please Sir/Ma’am; show me what’s under that skirt (not a cock, please God not a cock, I can’t believe I did this again!).
You to News: Tell me if I’m going to die you sons of bitches!!
In the end it turns out you were worried for nothing
Hooker: Ah, you caught me, its an inny, no outty”
News: Swine flu will kill you by sundown. . . if you have AIDS, and fuck a pig in Mexico while eating a milkshake made of its shit, other than that though, you are safe.
It all leaves you feeling cheap and manipulated. Well fuck you news, and fuck you Thai hooker, take your fake cock stories somewhere else.
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by Commodore on May 1, 2009
Until this is the hair of the Prince of England, we don't need to talk about it.
The sun is hot. Water is wet. Men like a finger in their butt during sex. These are all examples of facts that aren’t news. We don’t need to report them. Everyone knows they’re 100% truth. The Daily Telegraph, however, wants to add a 4th fact.
Prince Harry has not washed his hair for two years, it has been claimed.
So. fucking. what?
I love the “it has been claimed” statement as if this is something that really needs more attention. You use “it has been claimed” when you receive a self made video of some guy running out of Area 51 with tracer bullets being fired over his head as he screams into his camera, Blairwitch style while holding the leg of an alien. Your sentence might read, “Alien’s exist, it has been claimed.”
Many people believe in the benefits of not using shampoo as hair will self-clean itself if left alone for at least a week.
Oh great. And many men in sub-Saharan African believe that AIDS is all mental. Maybe we should listen to them too. The only people that believe in the benefits of not washing their hair are either homeless or hobos and to be honest, I don’t think either of those groups should be giving advice about hair care.
1 Comment
by Uncle Awesome on April 30, 2009
Kill us??? But we love you!
In a completely rational move, the Egyptian government decided to protect its citizens by doing this . . .
“The Egyptian government decreed on Wednesday that all 300,000 pigs in the country had to be slaughtered as a precaution against the spread swine flu; despite the fact that no cases of the H1N1 swine flu virus have been reported here and it is spread by people, not pigs.”
What???? So let me get this straight, the government is going to have every pig in the country killed, robbing thousands of what amounts to their life savings to avoid a disease that is not even spread by pigs??? Maybe Africa should kill every monkey to stop the AIDS epidemic too!
It’s the fucking flu, relax. 20,000 Americans a year die from the flu and Ahmed is supposed to kill his whole fucking flock?? I hope the 300,000 dead pig bodies start a black plague that kills only those stupid enough to give a shit about swine flu. WTF!
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by Commodore on April 28, 2009
We should show them respect
In today’s “Most Absurd Thing Said By Someone Affected By His Religious Beliefs“, we have this wonderful statement in regards to the Swine Flu Pandemic:
We should call this Mexican flu and not swine flu in deference to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork.
Ah what a nice, constructive solution to the spread of this disease! I din’t know it was as simple as a case of mistaken identity. I am sure this strain of influenza just needed to be called a Mexican and maybe it would just work itself to death, right? Haha. Get it? Work itself to death…like a Mexican that I put to work on my garden in the hot sun and pay him peanuts for it?? Haha… (cricket…cricket)
Anyway, what kind of religious fanatic says something like t- Hm? That was the Deputy Health Minister of Israel?! WTF?! Sir, just because you don’t like to eat pig, doesn’t mean that we should confuse the world into thinking that this flu virus from dirty pigs is connected with dirty Mexicans. They have had a tough enough hand dealt to them already. We don’t call Capitalism, “The Jews Just Getting Richer”, do we?
Have some class, please.
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