Posts tagged as:

study

Women Orgasming = Bruce Willis in “Unbreakable”

by Commodore on November 9, 2010

I know I know. I wouldn't want you to miss your wave of invincibility

For years men have called bullshit on the fact that women get to have multiple orgasms whenever they can reach the summit of bliss while men have to do everything in their power to hold back the one orgasm they get in any particular situation. And now it looks like women get superpowers when they cum.

Researchers also found that waves of pleasure are so strong the nervous system starts to shut down. This makes women less aware of pain.

This statement is like, “If a tree falls in the forest…” because women can’t orgasm unless they’re completely pain free, laying on a bed of titunias in a 72 degree room with 56% humidity, 7 candles burning of various scents (but never cinnamon), John Legend playing, and a shooting star passing overhead (airplanes in the night sky won’t do). Well, that or drunk in a bar bathroom but in either case, she is never unduring pain while orgasming for the 5 seconds she does. It’s like saying, for 5 seconds when I cum, my analytical brain is on par with the best chess masters in the world. Too bad chess takes hours and Gary Kasparov might not have the patience to wait for to climax before every move.

What am I talking about? Who knows. I’m just jealous of women and the orgasms they get to have. Leave me alone.

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Science Non-Fiction

by Commodore on September 22, 2010

Just like the model

Humpty Dumty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But hang on a second, how did that egg get up on that wall in the first place? How did he fall? Maybe we should have a scientific study analyze the possibilities. You think that would be silly, do you? Buckle up then.

The biblical account of the miraculous parting of the Red Sea has amazed and captivated people for thousands of years. New research released today could give a scientific grounding to the story.

Oh for fuc- Why don’t we release a study on how ET was able to sit in a basket seat on a bike that was then able to fly? Can’t we just let fiction be fiction and let people who believe in the literal translation of the Old Testament be laughed at, mocked and ridiculed in peace?

The study, published today in the online journal PLoS ONE, finds that strong, persistent winds could offer a physical explanation for the event, which was made eternally famous by Charlton Heston in the epic film The Ten Commandments.

Ehhhh, no. I think it was made eternally famous by whoever wrote the book of Exodus, actually. Charlton Heston was fictionalizing an already fictional story, but whatever, go on.

As recorded in Exodus 14, “Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land.” This allowed the Israelites to escape pursuit by the Egyptians, who were killed once the water closed up again. Drews’ simulations found that a strong east wind, blowing at a constant speed of about 63 mph for 12 hours, could have pushed water back at a bend where an ancient river is thought to have merged with a coastal lagoon along the Mediterranean. Such an event occurred in 1882, when a British Army general reported a strong easterly wind that pushed the water away on Lake Menzaleh, on the west side of the Suez Canal.

Oh. I see. I’m sure walking in 63 mph would have been a joy, and I’m sure this phenomenon was the event implied by Exodus 14:22, “and the waters were a wall unto them on their right hand, and on their left.” Maybe it should have said, “and the waters were receded on their left and there was actually nothing but land on their right except for the gale force winds that pummeled them.

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Can Something Be Too Dumb?

by Commodore on March 12, 2010

Almost as dumb as this

Balloon Boy? Dumb. Paris Hilton? Dumb. This story? Dumber.

Ever since Gidget, the Chihuahua best known for her purported desire for Taco Bell, went to the big drive-through in the sky this summer, we’ve been thinking about Chihuahuas, and whether or not they actually like crappy Mexican food.

Who is “we”? And does your employer know that he has a mentally challenged employee? Sarah, you must make the Wonderlic test look like a Mensa quiz.

Ah, yes. Once exposed to the Taco Bell, Sammy was like an addict on the make, spurning his healthier treats for a few more bites of the nachos, until it was removed from under his nose.

After the earthquake in Chili, they said that the earth’s rotation sped up by a microsecond. Well I think that the haze of stupidity emanating from this story is enough to slow down thought, reason, and the rotation of the earth a few microseconds.

Conclusion: Yes, a Chihuahua will eat Taco Bell.

(Slow clap….standing ovation…BRAVO!) Seriously though, please stop insulting the scientific method by throwing the word “conclusion” at the end of this. I’ve seen dogs eat plastic bags, for shit’s sake.

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Werewolf Tendencies?

by Commodore on December 13, 2009

Isn't that a new moon?

What in the sam hell is going on here? The human brain is capable of convincing itself of anything when it really wants to.

Some people are more violent and exhibit “werewolf” tendencies during a full moon, a study published in the respected Australia Medical Journal reveals.

You can’t have a tendency to be something that doesn’t exist. That should be a rule of medicine. Just like people cannot show “Incredible Hulk” tendencies, they cannot show “werewolf” tendencies.

“Of the 91 patients, 21 (23 percent) presented during the full moon – double the number for other lunar phases,” Ms Calver said.
“Sixty-six percent were under the influence of alcohol and/or recreational drugs and five attacked staff. Some of these patients attacked the staff like animals (by) biting, spitting and scratching. One might compare them with the werewolves past, who are said to have also appeared during the full moon.”

Hold on. 21 out of 91 came in on the full moon, and 14 of these people were pretty drunk or on drugs. 5 of those 14 intoxicated people attacked the staff and “some” of those 5 bit, spit and scratched the staff. All of a sudden this is enough evidence to compare these people to werewolves?! They were drunk and on drugs in a hospital wearing nothing but a backwards robe. How else are you supposed to attack someone in that position other than biting, scratching and spitting? I guess you could shoot them with the beam of light coming out of your forehead, but then you’d be showing “cyclops” tendencies and that would skew these results.

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At The Forefront of Science

by Uncle Awesome on April 15, 2009

Will you marry me?

Yahoo can always raise the intellectual bar with fascinating studies, like this one. People who smile in yearbook pictures are more likely to stay married??? Are you kidding me? Somewhere real scientists are getting paid to go to work and do this??? Where do I sign up for this job? Am I underqualified? Let’s see the basis for said study. . .

“Maybe smiling represents a positive disposition towards life,” said study leader Matthew Hertenstein

Ho-ly shit, why in God’s name didn’t I think of that. No wonder you’re the study leader, Matt. You, sir, are a credit to the entire scientific community. But let me try to fully comprehend what your years of research are saying. People who smile (ok, I’m with you so far), may be happier than people who don’t smile. Admittedly, I have never taken quantum physics, but allow me to retort. . . Your study is farts!

WTF!