Sperm

Good job, sperm!

It’s been suggested that sperm have a one track mind. Egg or bust. I always kind of felt bad (ok, not bad enough to stop) for a load of sperm that was swallowed by a girl. Those billions of swimmies thinking that they were in the fallopian tubes only to later see bits of food and think to themselves, “Hey…wait a SECOND!” Well, we can all be glad to know, that a particular legion of sperm that traveled down an esophagus, found a way to the egg in a girl WITHOUT a vagina. Take that Mother Mary!

Oral conception. Impregnation via the proximal gastrointestinal tract in a patient with an aplastic distal vagina. Case report. The patient was a 15-year-old girl employed in a local bar. She was admitted to hospital after a knife fight involving her, a former lover and a new boyfriend.

Ahh, young love.

The girl had some minor lacerations of the left hand and a single stab-wound in the upper abdomen. Under general anaesthesia, laparotomy was performed through an upper midline abdominal incision to reveal two holes in the stomach. These two wounds had resulted from the single stab-wound through the abdominal wall. Precisely 278 days an emergency lower segment caesarean section was performed under spinal anaesthesia and a live male infant weighing 2800 g was born. The patient was well aware of the fact that she had no vagina and she had started oral experiments after disappointing attempts at conventional intercourse. Just before she was stabbed in the abdomen she had practised fellatio with her new boyfriend and was caught in the act by her former lover. The fight with knives ensued.

Are you kidding me?! The sperm traveled from the holes in the stomach to gain access to the egg. That is the most amazing thing I have ever heard. That kid is going to get so much ass when he grows up. I mean, his sperm has to be the most fertile lot on earth. Probably a bunch of Macgyvers floating around just waiting for the chance to find the egg. When this kid grows up, he could ejaculate into the Atlantic Ocean breeze off the coast of Africa and some chick in Iowa will get pregnant.

Kudos to you, life. You always do find a way. But I think the main thing to take away from all this, is that you shouldn’t stab a girl in the stomach right after she gave you a BJ. I learn something new everyday.

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Damnit

It’s official. Tom Brady got to ejaculate inside of Gisele Bundchen without a condom on, because she’s pregnant. I think that sound you hear is the universe tearing apart because God said, “Tom Brady’s existence is officially better than mine.”

I think the Discovery Channel should do a Planet Earth – like video journey of that sperm going from Tom’s penis to Gisele’s egg. Long sweeping shots in HD with violins playing in the background and Richard Attenborough using the most precise English ever known to man. I would watch that. I would like to watch the reaction of all those sperm as they swim inside Gisele’s vagina (I’m so jealous of those little fuckers) and look around in amazement. Shit, some of them probably won’t even race to the egg. Half of them would just be enjoying the time in Gisele’s vagina as they stop and smell the fallopian tubes and talk about how good they have it. The show would of course culminate as the race to the egg of eggs is completed. (Why do I have a boner right now?)

So fuck you Tom (I don’t really mean that. I only say “Fuck you” because I’m jealous of your incomprehensible good looks, your perfect jaw bone, your absurdly hot Brazilian wife, your Super Bowl rings and MVP’s. Please accept my apology), and Tom’s sperm, with your probably perfectly shaped wriggling selves.

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