by Commodore on August 31, 2010
Yeah, drinking is fun isn't it?
That title is not a metaphor for intoxicated men looking for sex. There seriously are drunk baboons running rampant in South Africa.
Each day, dozens of Cape Baboons gather to strip the ancient vines – the sauvignon blanc grapes are a particular favourite – and head into town. Last week, a 12 year old boy was left traumatised after confronting a troop who had broken into his family home. Hearing noises from the kitchen, he went to investigate and found the beasts ransacking cupboards. When the child fled upstairs to find his babysitter, three males gave chase and surrounded him as he made a tearful phone call to his mother, while the animals pelted him with fruit.
Surrounded him and pelted him with fruit! The monkeys didn’t physically attack him, they just made him their bitch.
Chickens, geese, peacocks and even a Great Dane dog have been killed in recent weeks by the marauding baboons – the males have huge and terrifying canine teeth. Roof tiles, electric fences, orchards and vegetables gardens have been trashed. “Lunch parties in the garden are now just impossible,” a homeowner complained. “It is so unrelaxing. Rather than chatting over our meal, we are looking over our shoulders and bolting the food as quickly as we can before it is stolen. We can’t even leave a window open in summer. We are under siege.”
Holy crap! It’s like the real-life equivalent of the white bunny rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hollywood, someone please start writing this horror-comedy ASAP. Simon Pegg is available to act in it. This will be so much better than Black Sheep. (This Black Sheep)
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by Commodore on June 21, 2010
Yeah, it's like that
Let me start out on the right foot here. I think rape is the most despicable thing a man can ever do. I haven’t decided if I think this is a good idea or if this is the most greusome chastity belt ever. Probably a little of both.
Dr. Sonnet Ehlers has invented Rape-axe, a female device with jagged hooks that latch onto a man’s penis during penetration. The doctor is distributing 30,000 of these condoms in South Africa during this year’s World Cup.”It hurts,” Ehlers told CNN. “He cannot pee and walk when it’s on. If he tries to remove it, it will clasp even tighter.” Rape-axe is inserted like a tampon and when embedded to a man the device can only be removed by a doctor.
(cricket…cricket). This thing sounds like the Pit Monster from Star Wars or like a trap the Viet Cong would place in hidden pits. And we all know that Star Wars and the Vietnam War are touchy subjects so I’m gonna take that lead and not comment anymore on the Rape-Axe Condom. I’ve already written two different comments but couldn’t tell if I was being funny or the most horrible person alive. So I’ll just leave this invention and everything that surrounds it with a “Bro…wtf”
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by Commodore on June 11, 2010
It's lovely
Traditional medicine can’t be called traditional medicine when it turns into black magic. St. John’s Wort? Have at it. Echinacea? Go for it? Smoking the dried up, mashed brains of a vulture? Whoa. Now hold on a minute.
The custom stems from the traditional medicine known in South Africa as muti. The vulture brains are dried, ground up and then smoked in cigarettes which supposedly give the users visions of the future. In addition to dreams of winning lotto numbers or sports teams, practitioners say the practice can give users an edge on taking tests or help their business attract more clients.
This is why some people hate the rigors of scientific research. The rigors that force you to hypothesize something and then have that hypothesis tested over and over again. People don’t like the idea of studying for something or God forbid put work into something. This is why they turn to shit like this.
Hey man, you wanna study for this test together?
Nah. I’m just gonna smoke some vulture brains instead.
Visions of the future? Winning lottery numbers? Has anyone taken stock of South Africa’s economy? Clearly the vulture brains aren’t working. How about this vision of the future, South Africa? If you are HIV positive and you keep fucking without a condom, the people you fuck are going to also be HIV positive. 1/3 of the women aged 25-29 and 1/4 of the men aged 30-34 are HIV positive. 11% of the population has HIV!! Put the brains down.
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by Commodore on January 11, 2010
That's sweeeet
It’s not always the case that you get to read those 5 words in the sentence of any story, let alone one about a hermaphroditic South African crime lord, but today’s your lucky day!
South African police caught more than they expected in a Cape Town drug raid when a strap-on dildo fell off a suspected crime lord during a search, the Sunday Times reported.
If it was “strapped on”, how does it “fall off”, I wonder. Here “search” must be closely related to “beat the fuck out of”.
“I had a vagina that could not be penetrated. But I also had male organs, testes. But I always knew I was really a man and that was what I wanted to be,” Fat Murphy told the court, according to the newspaper. “God created me with both sexual organs. It was God’s decision, not mine.”
That God has a weird sense of humor, a? And Mr. Murphy, if it was God’s decision to give you both organs, who gives you the right to decide that you were always a man? If God wants you to dance like a clown, you dance like a clown.
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by Commodore on October 2, 2009
I imagine the boss was this angry
In ethics and law, “Let the punishment fit the crime” is the principle that the severity of penalty for a misdeed or wrongdoing should be reasonable and proportional to the severity of the infraction. That seems like a pretty fair way to conduct business, but it doesn’t always happen as such.
For instance, when Michael Vick funds a community dog playing center without authorization, he gets 2 years in jail. Donte Stallworth was legally drunk and killed a man with his car and he had to stand in the corner for 2 minutes. But this…this is unprecidented.
A fuming boss allegedly SHOT one of his employees after he discovered they had used his private loo. Police said the raging manager pulled out his gun and blasted the unlucky worker in the leg after hearing of his cheeky toilet trip.
This seems like a “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong” Chappelle skit! I’ve heard of shooting someone for eating your cereal but NOT for using your bathroom. I mean, we are not Visigoths!
The police always have to make some sort of statement when there is a crime and at the risk of never saying too much before an investigation, we get:
Cops said: “It seems he underestimated the strength of his employer’s feelings on the matter of which toilet he should use.”
It does seem so, indeed, officer.
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by Big Lou Al Timber on September 15, 2009
Nice shirt you dick
I guess Carl Lewis needed to get his name back into the spotlight. Now he’s weighing in on the case of the chick-with-a-dick sprinter from South Africa, Caster Semenya.
“Here is an 18-year-old young woman, because that’s what she feels she is, let down every step along the way . . . the South African federation should have dealt with it and I think the federation let her down,’ Lewis said on a visit to Tel Aviv on Monday.”
Seriously dude? So let me get this straight, as long as I FEEL like I am something, therefore I am? Sooooo, I FEEL like I’m super fucking fast now and I feel like I can jump 6 feet in the air. I guess I’m Usain Bolt and Michael Jordan combined? Hip Hip Hooray!
Carl, don’t try to cover up the fact that you’re probably trans-gender now too. I mean, we’ve all heard you speak, you sound like Michael Jackson with a bad cold and a hangover.
“To put it out in front of the world like that, I am very disappointed in them because I feel that it is unfair to her. Now, for the rest of her life she’ll be marked as ‘the one.’ “
Yeah, know why? Because she IS the one. SHE’S the MAN that ran in the WOMEN’S race, and kicked the shit out of all the other WOMEN she was running against. That definitely makes her THE ONE.
Her and Mister Gaga.
WTF Carl!
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by Big Lou Al Timber on August 20, 2009
what up dog!?!
I can’t believe this is even in question. I mean, look at him!
“South African athletics officials have rallied behind controversial new running star Caster Semenya, who won the women’s world 800 meters title just hours after the sport’s governing body asked for the 18-year-old’s gender to be verified.”
Are you kidding me!?! Look at him, that’s a fucking guy for crying out loud! He has armpit hair! Do you people really not see this?
We all know South Africa is years behind the rest of the world, hell, they just ended slavery like a few weeks ago. In fact, Mandela might still be in jail. But honestly, you guys are capable of telling whether or not a human with a dick is in fact, a male….right?
“Even the ID that she has, the passport, says she is a female,” Phiwe Mlangeni-Tsholetsane told CNN by phone from Berlin on Thursday. “There was no cheating on our part, or even on the part of the athlete.”
Oh good, that explains it. I mean, if a man from Florida can steal 140 million, yes, fucking MILLION credit card numbers, I’m sure the damn government in South Africa can forge it’s own Identifications. Shit, I’ve seen high school kids make perfect fake ID’s.
“If there are tests being done, we accept that. We can’t stop that,” Mlangeni-Tsholetsane said. “We have nothing to hide.”
Except a dick.
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