Posts tagged as:

sex

What Is Joe Torre Doing On This List?

by Commodore on October 13, 2010

Here you go, Joe

The purpose of polls is so that people can collectively dip a paintbrush in the palette of life and come out with the color called “Idiot Green“.

Sleeping your way to the top is the fast track preferred by an increasing number of Americans, a new survey has found.

Ok, this isn’t the part of the survey that I had issues with. This part is awesome.

The poll also found:

* Nearly 40 percent of named Oprah Winfrey as their idea of a perfect boss, while 35 percent selected President Obama and 28 percent said Donald Trump.

* Mark Zuckerberg, head of Facebook, was one of the least-wanted bosses, picked by just 9 percent of those surveyed. He was joined by ex-Yankee manager Joe Torre, acid-tongued former “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell and former BP honcho Tony Hayward.

Hmmmm, let me guess…40% of the people polled were women. Just a hunch. And no one in their right mind would rather work for Donald Trump over Joe Torre. I’m sorry, that is asinine. Donald Trump is an old, creepy dude with the interpersonal skills of a bathroom tile. He’ll fire you on a whim and do it in the 100% most disrespectful way. Plus, who the fuck wants to work in real estate when you can play baseball instead? I’d play baseball for Mussolini over working real estate for Donald Trump. Idiots, I tell you.

What the hell did Joe Torre do to anyone? WTF?! Joe Torre has been referred to as a “player’s manager”. He always deflected media pressure away from his teams and he instilled an attitude of winning. Sounds horrible.

Lastly, Trump and Cowell are the same people! Same brilliant jackass. Wouldn’t you rather work with a guy in the music business who has an English accent and a better haircut?

No Comments

Finding A Bargain: It’s Like Sex

by Commodore on September 15, 2010

This is what I'm going to start doing

First of all, nothing is like sex. Second of all, after reading this study I’m either questioning my voracious sex drive or the lackluster sex drive of everyone partaking in the study. Because seriously, wtf?

A study has discovered that shoppers get the same level of emotional excitement from special offers as they do from sexual arousal. Researchers have found that bargains make us so deliriously happy that the brain is turned on to the same level excitement that it gets from sex.

Were these bargains offered in Amsterdam’s Red Light District? Otherwise, this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. If I was starving, thirsty and had the chance of either having sex with Gisele or getting a burrito, a Gatorade and Neckar Island at 99.9% off the sticker price, I’d still stick her.

They found a coupon or free gift with a jar of Marmite or a loaf of Kingsmill bread gave them just as much excitement as the pornography.

A jar of Marmite?! Are you interviewing malnourished people on the outskirts of Khartoum?

The researchers used a system called iMotion which measures the body’s emotional responses on a scale of one to 10. A high of 10 is the equivalent to severe trauma which is rarely seen and could be dangerous. But a score of between five and seven is the kind of excitement a body has to erotic images such as pornography. One Marmite promotion, to get a free audiobook featuring the children’s character Horrid Henry, registered a scored of up to 5.8 among the consumers.

Dear Humanity, have more sex. You’ve obviously forgotten how good it feels.

No Comments

Women Would Give Up Sex To Lose Weight

by Commodore on August 13, 2010

Stop wishing and start doing

See, herein lies the rub. I know men are from Mars. We’re fucked up and we make decisions like we were Martians sometimes. But come on ladies! You know that our Vas Deferens gets clogged if we don’t have sex and that can kill us! Your decisions could kill us.

About half of women say they would rather go without sex for the summer than gain 10 pounds.

A man would never ever make such a ridiuclous statement. A man would rather take an ice pick to his ey-

A fourth of men feel the same way.

Hold on, what? Oh I get it, these merry few, these Band of Fourths must be the guys who aren’t having much sex to begin with due to their overweight and unconfident status. The prospect of gaining 10 pounds would just put them exponentially further away from actually having sex. Henceforth and heretofore, foregoing sex is both an already realized reality and a tactical decision. If you weren’t having sex in the first place, why would you choose to gain 10 pounds?? It’s quite brilliant actually.

Phew, glad I figured that riddle out.

Three-quarters of both men and women would have been willing to give up something — such as watching TV, shopping, using a cellphone or computer for the summer — for a flat tummy.

That’s right. 3 out of 4 people would be willing to have something magical happen to them to lose weight, but are clearly unwilling to be an active part of the laws of thermodynamics. You can give up TV this summer and lose weight. Turn it off and go for a run for goddsake!

No Comments

More Sex = More STD’s. Weird.

by Commodore on July 7, 2010

It's elementary

Let’s see here…If I didn’t rock climb all that much and then suddenly decided to rock climb 3 times as much, would it be safe to say that my chances of getting injured while rock climbing would increas 3-fold? Would you need research to figure that out? Never underestimate those who submit for grant money.

Middle-aged and older men who take erectile dysfunction drugs such as Viagra are more likely to have sexually transmitted diseases, a new study of more than 1.4 million men finds. Researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital and the University of Southern California say the fault lies not with the drugs but rather the high risk behaviors of the men who request them. And doctors should counsel these patients about safe sex practices, they said.

There’s no way that you needed a bi-coastal study to come to this conclusion. What, 8 hours a day wasn’t enough? You needed the blanket of an 11-12 hour day to crack this one? I’m surprised that the University of Singapore didn’t join in on this study so that the sun wouldn’t have to set on this scientific leap of a study.

Yes, people who have more sex are at higher risks of experiencing the negative by-products of having more sex. Isnt’ that a variation of Newton’s 3rd law of Motion?

Jena and his co-authors examined health insurance claims records covering 1997 though 2006 from 44 large U.S. employers. The study group included about 34,000 male beneficiaries over 40 who used ED drugs, for whom the researchers collected data covering one year before and one year after the first prescription was filled, and nearly 1.37 million men over 40 who were non-users, for whom claims data was also collected. Men who had been prescribed an ED drug were two to three times more likely than non-users to have sexually transmitted diseases.

9 years of data and 1.4 million men, all to come to a “No Shit!” conclusion. Brilliant.

No Comments

That’s Nit Picky

by Commodore on May 13, 2010

I don't think they will be insulted

Do you ever talk with someone who gets so lost in the details of things that they forget to look at the bigger picture? Like when you ask a girl to do anal and she’s all worried about pain/discomfort and not the bigger picture of the sexual enjoyment between two people. This is kind of like that…well, the nit picky part.

Andrew Dymond was charged with possessing “an extreme pornographic image which portrayed in an explicit and realistic way a person performing an act of intercourse with a dead animal, namely a squid, which was grossly offensive, disgusting or of obscene character”. Prosecutors amended the charge when it was admitted it could have been an octopus in the picture.

If it pleases the court, are we really going to worry about which dead member of the Mollusca phylum this guy was fucking? Is that going to sway your decision one way or the other? If some guy stabbed 10 people with a knife, is it going to matter to the court if it was a Ginsu? WTF. And I love this part:

The magistrates court in Swansea, southern Wales, heard the sea creature was clearly dead when the man was pictured having sexual intercourse with it.

Yeah I “heard some shit too”. I didn’t know rumors were now admissible in court.

No Comments

Or Just Open Your Eyes

by Commodore on March 10, 2010

Since the dawn of man

At what point does a study become a brown paper bag of redundancy left burning on someone’s doorstep? I mean, if I told you, “Recent studies show that eating a live grenade could be harmful” or “Human fecal matter that sits out of water has a formidable scent”, you would (hopefully) roll your eyes and think, “Gee, who didn’t know that?” Well this study is kind of like that.

A study published Tuesday in the British Medical Journal found that the sex lives of men tend to significantly outlast those of women.

Yes. Men are horn balls that would hump a brick wall if it got them off. This is as redundant as seasons. We don’t get surprised every Spring when leaves start populating trees again, so why the hell is this surprising?

“Men have more interest in sex and seem to be happier with the quality of their sexual activity, and the gender gap only widened with age,” said lead researcher Stacy Tessler Lindau, an associate professor of obstetrics and gynecology. Men tend to have younger partners, said the study.

Hmmm? What was that? You were still talking? I’m sorry, I was a little light headed from all this Viagra-filled sex with beautiful Eastern European prostitutes I was having. Look people, the men who are old today grew up in an age where they were the main bread winners, so they have a ton of money. Women like money. Younger women LOVE money. And even an old man’s sexual buttons is an Atari controller compared to the Apollo 11 lunar landing control panel that a (very) older woman’s sex drive must be.

It’s the path of least resistance. It’s been studied and known for millenia. Can we move on? WTF!

No Comments

Are We Getting Pruder?

by Commodore on September 30, 2009

Good job Tufts. I guess you want war instead.

Being on the top bunk slowly oscillating back and forth while your roommate on the bottom bunk is fornicating – a lot louder than they think – is part of the college experience. You couldn’t possibly try to regulate it. Could you???

Sex in a dorm at Tufts University is fine. Sex in a Tufts dorm with your roommate there? That’s a no-no. The Boston-area school has a new policy this semester banning sexual activity while a roommate is in the same room.

Gosh. The 72 year-old PRIME MINISTER of Italy is having orgies with 20 year-olds, 3 times a day in the town square and the Italian population shrugs its shoulders, rolls its eyes and continues its life…in tight fitting tank tops and capri pants, of course.

Us? We find any way we can to ban sex, thinking nothing of the people who love to masturbate to the sound of other people having sex in a dark room. Sheesh!

No Comments

The UN, Masturbation & 5-Year Olds

by Commodore on August 27, 2009

This masturbation stuff is mind blowing. I need a cig.

When you put those words together, you are bound to get some browtf-ness.

The United Nations is recommending that children as young as five receive mandatory sexual education that would teach even pre-kindergarteners about masturbation and topics like gender violence. Under the U.N.’s voluntary sex-ed regime, kids just 5-8 years old will be told that “touching and rubbing one’s genitals is called masturbation” and that private parts “can feel pleasurable when touched by oneself.”

Maybe if I knew that when I was 5, I could have avoided this conversation I had in the 7th grade.

8th Graders: Hey Commodore, are you a Master Baitor when you go fishing?
Me: Ummm, yeah. I’m pretty good.
8th Graders: So you’re a master baitor?
Me: I guess so.
8th Graders: Hahahahaha.
Me: (crying). Wait no. NO I’M NOT!!!

If I had 7 years of masturbation marination, I wouldn’t have felt so weird humping my bed when I was 12 and jizzing all over myself repeatedly. I could have told those 8th graders, “My masturbation prowess is already a fait accompli and I am on to sticking a finger in my own butt during orgasm, bitches.” Boo ya. And then I could have done the hand gesture for masturbating and “blew” it their faces and then sprinkled my hands down (as if indeed it were “raining” semen).

(But seriously, I don’t have regrets about my life that keep me up at night.)

At 12, they’ll learn the “reasons for” abortions — but they’ll already have known about their safety for three years. When they’re 15, they’ll be exposed to direct “advocacy to promote the right to and access to safe abortion.”

But in the U.S, they still won’t be able to have alcohol until they’re 21. So when they’re 12, how are you going to explain the old, “I was drunk and thought it would be ok to ejaculate inside a girl who wasn’t on the pill, because I was so tired of cumming all over myself all these years…and because I’m the man!” reason that a guy is sure to give at some point in his life?

I’m just saying…the program needs some tweeks.