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Sarah Palin

Levi Johnston = Classy Kid

by Commodore on August 17, 2009

Levi, let's take a test.

If ever there was someone the world doesn’t need to read about again, it’s Levi Johnston, but thank God there’s US Weekly to the rescue! Usually when someone is a respectful person, he is said to have “a good head on his shoulders.” Based on this interview, I am not even sure Levi Johnston has a head on his shoulders.

Levi Johnston says he may pose nude if the price is right. “It depends on the money, man,” says Johnston, an aspiring actor and model.

Huh? There are so many things in that last quote that make my head want to explode like a Femm Bot. Pose nude? Actor? Model? Jesus Christ. When did this fucking happen?

“It’s gotta be right for that,” continues Johnston in an interview with Bravo’s Andy Cohen via Skype from his hometown of Wasilla, Alaska.

A Skype interview with Bravo is to interviews as an ostrich is to “birds I wish I could be”.

But as far as “cougars” go, Sarah Palin is “not my favorite, no,” he says.

Levi. She’s your kid’s grandmother. I hope she’s not your favorite. In this photo dictionary I am looking at, I am surprised that I don’t find a photo of Levi Johnston for the entry, “tact”.

Now that Palin has stepped down as governor, Johnson quips he’s “thinking about” making a run for her former position. “Maybe one day. It sounds like a lot of fun,” Johnston says before signing off to go sheep hunting.

Earth to Levi, you would pose nude for cash and you just basically said that you would bang your kid’s grandma. I am not sure you are socially responsible to mop up spills in aisle 6. Plus, anyone who thought being a governor of a state would be fun, right before he stated his wishes to discharge a firearm at a virtually immobile peaceful animal, used to have to stand in the corner and miss nap time while the school notified his parents that their kid might be retarded.

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Dear Sarah, Nobody Cares.

by Commodore on July 27, 2009

Shhhhhh.

Dear Mrs. Palin,

The only reason anyone originally gave a shit about you is because you are a MILF from Alaska. We hadn’t seen that porn scenario yet. Then you started talking. Now, nobody cares. But you’re still talking. Please stop.

The end.

Ok, that was my letter but seriously, WTF is this:

“By the way, Hollywood needs to know: We eat, therefore we hunt.”

This was in response to an Ashley Judd commercial that had a wee problem with hunting wolves with assault rifles from helicopters. I knew Alaska was bum fuck but I didn’t know they ate wolves. I don’t think Cro-Magnon men ate wolves. It was too uncivilized for them.

“Some still are choosing not to hear why I’m charting a new course to advance this state,” she said, adding that “it should be so obvious to you. It is because I love Alaska this much, sir, that I feel that it is my duty to avoid the unproductive, typical, politics-as-usual, lame-duck session in one’s last year in office.”

So, you’re quitting. I should use the Palin Theory in bed. “Listen, the reason why I feel the need to run out of here 3 seconds after cumming is because I love you so much, sweety, that I feel that it is my duty to avoid the unproductive, typical, boredom-as-usual, lame-ass Talk & Cuddle session in one’s last minutes awake.”

Before addressing the crowd in a park with an ersatz frontier main street and encircled by a choo-choo train that was once called “Alaskaland,” Palin spent hours under a tent serving hot dogs and greeting admirers.

This sounds like a Tim Burton movie. What the hell exactly goes on in Alaska?

Two Texans holding up pro-Palin signs said they drove on Harley-Davidsons some 4,000 miles north from the Ft. Worth area to check out Alaska and see the woman they want to be the next president.

[(2Fort Worth + Harleys)4000] x Sarah Palin 4 President = Hilarity.

(FYI, Sarah if you’re reading this, don’t let my teasing let you think that I wouldn’t love banging you. That is so not the case. Just wanted to be sure I’m clear. We could always do it when your husband was out snowmobiling for caribou carcasses that he mowed down with a gatling gun. K, thanks.)

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Because I Have Nothing Better To Do…

by Big Lou Al Timber on July 17, 2009

You just died to me, you're dead

Sarah Palin is “ready to be unleashed.”

I know, you’re thinking the same thing I’m thinking…she’s doing porn and I can’t fucking wait!! No more of this fake shit, we get to see the REAL Palin bush!

Nope. Not so much. Insteeeeaaad, Sarah Palin has joined Twitter and is going to sound off with “less politically correct” twits(?). Are you serious.

“The Alaska governor, who is set to resign her post at the end of this month, took to the social networking site Twitter Friday to proclaim she’s looking forward to being a little less restrained. ‘10 dys til less politically correct twitters fly frm my fingertps outside State site,’ Palin declared.”

Oh, fucking wonderful! That’s great Sarah. Glad your bear-hunting ass is going to start being less politically correct. Glad you’re approaching your future in a really mature fucking manner.

I swear to God YOU, whoever YOU are, the ONE FUCKING PERSON that signs up to follow Sarah Palin on twitter, I will steal your bicycle and throw it in a river if I ever find you. I’ll fucking smash your head with a muffin pan if I ever figure out who you are.

WTF!

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What The Fuck Are You Talking About?

by Big Lou Al Timber on June 4, 2009

SHUT. YOUR. FACE.

This bitch just needs to go.

Just because you have a journalism degree and MILF-y body doesn’t qualify you to preach to ANYBODY about politics and what should and should not happen. Are you fucking kidding me?

“Since when can you get out of huge national debt by creating trillions of dollars of new debt?”

I can answer that question for you….Since the day GW decided we should fight a war that cost us trillions of dollars and hasn’t accomplished ANYTHING.

“We need to be aware of the creation of a fearful population, and fearful lawmakers, being led to believe that big government is the answer, to bail out the private sector, because then government gets to get in there and control it,” she said. “And mark my words, this is going to be next, I fear, bail out next debt-ridden states. Then government gets to get in there and control the people.”

Wait what? English mother fucker, DO YOU SPEAK IT?! You make no sense lady. And remember, it’s the Republican party that survives on scare tactics and a controlled state. See these examples: 9/11, Muslims, Iraq, religion.

And remember this as well. You live in Alaska. Alaska. That makes you the equivalent of Luke Walton. So eat a dick, shovel some salt on your porch, fist fight a polar bear and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

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Everything About This Is White Trash

by Commodore on April 9, 2009

Palin/Johnston family hero

Levi Johnston is upset because people think he and his family are white trash. The Palin’s are convinced that they are not white trash. Well then how do you explain a sentence like this:

But a war of words is escalating between her [Palin's]camp and Levi Johnston, the father of Tripp, the baby Palin’s teenage daughter, Bristol, had in late December.

That sentence couldn’t infer more “white trashedness” if it was a styrofoam cup on top of a landfill. And if that isn’t enough, Levi has a sister named, Mercede. Mercede? It’s a Mercedes. Now you know why your stripper friends, Lexus, and Candy make fun of you so much, Mercede.

(sigh)

Why is any of this even being reported on? Who fucking cares????? Sarah Palin clearly likes guns and reproducing when her body might not be ready for it and it seems as if her daughter has at least one of those traits. End of story.

For the good of the country, we should have never known that Sarah Palin even existed, let alone hearing where her granddaughter’s bastard father slept 5 months ago. Honestly. WTF.

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Sure Didn’t See This Coming

by Big Lou Al Timber on March 11, 2009

Don't Touch Me Bitch

ESPN Palin and her douche bag boyfriend Levi have called it quits. Let’s see, FUCKING TOLD YOU SO! Remember when this brilliant sound bytes was disposed upon us by Sarah the GILF:

”Bristol and the young man she will marry are going to realize very quickly the difficulties of raising a child, which is why they will have the love and support of our entire family,”

You sure about that?

Guess again Palin, guess the fuck again. Turns out your slut of a daughter and her shitty kid “Trip” are going to be living with you for a while. Hopefully she won’t interfere with your hockey games.

Thank god you chose to keep the child, kid’s probably going to grow up to be a star, just like daddy.

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Who the Fuck is THIS Guy!?!

by Big Lou Al Timber on February 25, 2009

Patel...WHAT?

With absolutely NO due respect, who the fuck is this guy? And when did he become the “new face of the republican party?” I don’t even know your name but somehow Anderson Cooper and friends informed us last night of his so-called emergence along Republican lines. What the fuck is going on here?

Only Al Pacino in the greatest Sales movie of all time can accurately describe this situation (and if you don’t know what movie I’m talking about you suck as a human being, and even more so as a man, so fuck you painfully)

“Patel? Ravadem Patel? Patel? Fuck you.”

Actually this dickhead’s name is Bobby Jindal and I think he’s a douche. In fact, rumor has it he rescinded his status as a Republican, went Independant, and now is Republican again. That makes him a “flip-flopper” and therefore makes me want to penetrate his anus with a cactus.

Remember when THIS ho was the “new face!?!” What happened to her!?! Yeah yeah yeah, I know she’s mildly retarded and I know she hates animals and abortion and I know she can’t raise normal children to save her life…but at LEAST she has a vagina. Sure it’s wide and probably unshaven, but it’s there, I can smell it.

I would trade fucking Patel for her any day.