Posts tagged as:

Russia

Grave Robbing Is One Thing, Grave Eating Is Another

by Commodore on October 27, 2010

After you, sir

Not that I’ve had any personal experience with them, but I’m imagining that bears are not to be fucked with whether they are rummaging through your trash, face snatching some salmon, or digging up human graves and eating the remains.

From a distance it resembled a rather large man in a fur coat, leaning tenderly over the grave of a loved one. But when the two women in the Russian village of Vezhnya Tchova came closer they realised there was a bear in the cemetery eating a body. Russian bears have grown so desperate after a scorching summer they have started digging up and eating corpses in municipal cemetries, alarmed officials said today. Bears’ traditional food – mushrooms, berries and the odd frog – has disappeared, they added.

It’s interesting to note that these bears are Russian bears. We all know that Russians are tough, hard-nosed people who will do anything to survive. Quite frankly, Russians intimidate me so much I never look any of them in the eye for fear of losing mine. Their bears are no different.

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I Dare Disney To Make A Movie Out Of THIS

by Commodore on December 1, 2009

Sorry Sebastian, I'm not as impressed with you anymore

Yes, the likes of Sebastian, Flounder and Nemo were all able to thwart off evil and keep the seas safe while speaking in English, but boy o’ boy, those guys can’t do shit compared to what their reality based friends can do.

A Russian scientist who trains seals to carry out secret military missions complained in a newspaper interview Tuesday that Russia has fallen behind the United States in the race to arm sea mammals.

Doesn’t that sentence sound like it could be the start to the unwritten Deep Blue Sea 2?

“We would really like our animals in future to work like American sea lions,” Gennady Matishov, director of the Murmansk Marine Biology Institute in northern Russia, told the Izvestia daily. “The Americans drop their animals from helicopters into enemy waters and then the animals place mines on installations, make videos of what they see along an enemy shore or use a special gauge to measure radiation,” he added.

Uhhhhh, what? I’m sure by animals place mines on installations, he means, animals are afixed with as many mines as possible to allow them to still swim close enough to an installation where a radio signal then blows them up. And use special gauge to measure radiation means they somtimes die of radiation poisoning when we send them too close to radioactive material.

Matishov trains around 10 seals that can locate mines, pick up objects from the seabed and assist divers by bringing them tools, Izvestia reported. What is more, the seals can differentiate a Russian diver from an enemy and can “render harmless” or even kill an enemy, the newspaper said.

Not me! I know to carry my bottle of vodka with me when I dive.

His research is financed by the Russian Academy of Sciences as a study into sea mammal behavior, but is also supported by the Russian Navy.

In other words, his research is financed by the Russian Navy. There’s no hiding that. You’re talking about mines, radiation, and killing non-Russian divers…not migrating tendencies.

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Oh Totally

by Big Lou Al Timber on September 24, 2009

This is who popped up when I typed "Russian Prostitute" into google. Believe me now!?!

I know exactly how this feels.

“A videotape on a Russian Web site allegedly showing a State Department employee having sex with a prostitute is a “smear campaign” meant to discredit the man, a State Department spokesman said Thursday.”

Oh totally. I mean, the same thing happens to me all the time. All those tapes of me nibbling on Bai Lings nipples, those were definitely doctored. So was the one where I do Angelina Jolie doggystyle and then cum all over her back. I think somebody in Ukraine had a hand or two in doctoring that one.

Or maybe this guy is banging prostitutes as he works as a religious and human rights advisor in the embassy in Moscow. Because why the fuck wouldn’t he? Russian prostitutes are SLAMMIN! And they let you drink vodka out of their perfectly chilled vaginas! Are you kidding me people, smear campain? Not a chance, this guy was flat out getting his and I don’t blame him one bit!

“State Department spokesman Ian Kelly said the U.S. ambassador to Russia, John Beyrle, “supports” Hatcher, who remains at his job at the embassy.”

No shit, I support this guy too!

WTF!

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The Hymen Express

by Commodore on June 18, 2009

Jeez

I don’t know much about hymens. You’d have to talk to my penis. Ohhhhhh snap!! Right??? High five…High Five! But what I do know is that a Russian man is treating one particular hymen like a box of Pringles. Apparently once he pops, he just can’t stop.

A Russian woman ended up in intensive care after restoring her virginity for the sixth time.

Ahh, love.

When the husband confessed he was upset about her losing her virginity before the wedding and with another man, Natalia decided to make things up for him. To celebrate their first year together as a married couple, she went to a plastic surgery clinic and had a hymenoplasty operation. The husband was so delighted with the present, that a year later Natalia wanted to give that joy to him again. And the next year, and the year after that.

Gosh. Russian chicks have a true understanding of what dedication is. They understand that a relationship takes compromise. It makes my heart melt. For instance, my current online girlfriend, Stoya, that I met on mailmemybride.com is being shipped out to me in exchange for a large sum of cash. See? Compromise.

Anyone got a few bucks?

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John Wayne Bobbitt Is Feelin Lucky. . .

by Uncle Awesome on May 27, 2009

Imagine This was a penis, only instead of proud and strong, it was a bloody stump!

Because this didn’t happen to him.

“A Russian woman got so upset by the news that her boyfriend intended to leave her that she tied several firecrackers to his penis and exploded them.”

Russians drink vodka, wrestle bears, and stroll through Siberia for fun. Point being, they are tough, really tough. Zeus from No Holds Barred would sooner go to a KKK rally in the deepest, darkest corner of Mississippi with his hands tied behind his back, than go to Russia. I’m pretty sure as I write this, there is a two year old Russian baby strangling another Russian baby to death for stealing his juice box. And what they call juice, we call “moonshine”.

Even for Russia though, blowing off a man’s dick with fire crackers is some serious shit. When we think of fire crackers we think of BBQ’s, the 4th of July, summer hijinx, and county fairs. Apparently when this Russian woman thinks of them, she thinks “colorful fire shooter of genital death”. I honestly never thought I would read about something that made John Wayne Bobbitt say, “Damn, did you see what happened to that guy’s dick? I am one lucky guy”.