by Commodore on October 17, 2010
Oh, how exciting!
Out of all the plant-life that people should be eating, I’m thinking that celery lies somewhere between kelp and ferns. Why are people spending on time on tricking kids to eat it?
Is America ready for red celery? A Florida produce company thinks so and has bet consumers will bite on the colorful crunch of its new product. “It’s bright, it’s red, it’s different, it’s unique,” said Dan Duda, who added that it has the same flavor and crunch of regular green celery.
Celery has the nutritional equivalency of water, only it’s 14 times harder to get it in your stomach. It doesn’t taste like anything, no one ever thinks to eat it other than with Buffalo Wings or with pre-made vegetable platters.
“We do eat with our eyes,” Ronnei said, adding that she hoped it would be priced low enough for the school lunch market. “If there are efforts under way to jazz up veggies, I’m all for that,” she said.
If you think that jazzing up the worst vegetable on the planet is going to do anything, you’re wrong. Taking a snippet from Tommy Boy:
Ted: But why do they paint celery red?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a pretty piece of shit. That’s all it is, isn’t it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump and paint it red, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer’s sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about buying quality broccoli or sprouts from me.
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by Commodore on July 14, 2009
Hmm. Which one is it?
Everyday since 9/11, the American public has relied on a multicolored terror alert system to help us decide if we were going to put on flip flops or our shit stomping steel toes that day.
The five-tiered system that goes from green, which signals a low danger of attack, to red, which signals a severe threat of attack, has proven to be confusing at times, and critics say the different colors are too vague to deliver enough information to be useful.
Really? Flashing colors on a TV screen was too vague of a way of delivering information? How could that be? What were you gonna do, use words? I mean, sheesh!
President’s Assistant: Mr. President! We are under attack! What should we do?!
The president holds up a red highlighter.
President’ Assistant: Good idea!
That conversation is about as clear as watching Major League on TBS. (This is ACTUALLY how TBS edits the scene where the team decided that they need to win it all after finding out that the owner wants to move the team.)
Jake Taylor: I guess there’s only one thing left to do…(this next part omitted)…Win the whole…fuckin…thing.
Rest of Team: Yes!…Yeah man!
Wait, what? What they hell are they gonna do?! If you’ve never seen that movie, you’d be so confused watching it on TBS.
The United States hasn’t been attacked since 2001, and the system hasn’t changed since 2006 when a U.S.-bound terrorist plot was thwarted in Britain. At that time, the threat level for aviation was raised to red for flights from Britain.
What a great warning system! We were just almost attacked so that therefore made the “threat level” red. Wow. So advanced. This just in: A dog will turn its head in the direction of a noise too.
We’re so retarded.
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by Uncle Awesome on April 21, 2009
I love sangria and rainbows, life is good!
There a lot of ways to deter kids from joining gangs and committing murders. This might be the worst though.
“Killers given computer makeover to show how they will look after 30 years in prison to stop others from joining gangs”
This is the best idea they came up with???? WTF? The guy on the left looks like Red from Shawshank Redemption. He’s got a mysterious Mona Lisa smile that makes me want to be just like this guy! This is like taking a picture of the coolest guy in school with a cigarette and saying “kids don’t smoke unless you want to be more popular than Teenwolf”
You want to scare kids from joining gangs and murdering people? How bout this as your new slogan; “If you murder someone, you will go to jail, AND GET RAPED, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.” To really drive the point home show kids the movie Deliverance, and as soon as Ned Beatty is being told to squeal like a pig and then raped, flash a picture of the biggest black cock you can find, and watch those kids head straight to church.
To sum up: Becoming a friendly aged black man, not so scary. Being raped by Mandingo until you bleed out, scary.
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