by Uncle Awesome on August 17, 2009
Literally!!!
Tatsuya Moriguchi, a 39-year-old construction worker has been arrested for throwing his own feces at women passers-by from a motorcycle in two separate attacks in western Japan, police said today.
I’m sorry, what???
“The suspect has told investigators he did it because he felt frustrated when his work didn’t go well.”
Oh, of course! When work gets me a little down there is nothing I like to do more than shit in my hand, hop on my moped and head down the mean NYC streets throwing my feces at women between the ages of 4-9 (I have a few problems).
The man turned himself in yesterday after making the second drive-by attack in Settsu, a satellite city near Osaka, and was detained on suspicion of assault.
Few questions here:
1. Why turn yourself in? You have clearly made what some might say is a pretty significant break with reality, no need to muddle it with a moral revelation.
2. On suspicion of assault, really? What does it take to be guilty of assault, you have a guy who admits to throwing shit at women’s faces, I think that’s pretty much ballgame, no?
I wonder if this offends R. Kelly? Do you think he’s lying back thinking “Man, I remember the good ole days when you could just piss all over a bitch, warmer than the chicken noodle soup that was sitting in her Miley Cyrus lunch box thermos.”
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by Uncle Awesome on June 3, 2009
Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the largest animal on the planet.
There are few words with a worse connotation to them than “Valdez”. This happened the moment Joseph Hazelwood, the ship captain of the Exxon Valdez decided to treat the oil tanker like a floating happy hour on Mad Men. And this, of course, led to the death of thousands of animals and the destruction of an ecosystem. I don’t know how the word Valdez didn’t come into our daily usage more, like:
“Yeah, this girl last night was so hot, we went back to her place, but five seconds into it, I Valdezed all over her back. It was awful.”
“I got shitfaced last night. I thought it was cool, but I Valdezed all over myself. At least I didn’t prematurely ejaculate on a girl’s back like last night, though.”
Or in Phil Spector’s case: “Uh Oh, I think I just Valdezed that girl. And by ‘Valdezed,’ I mean murdered.”
So it probably took the good people of Valdez, Alaska to beat that stigma. And as soon as they do, they get a giant, dead humpback whale driven into port on the bow of a ship. Couple thoughts here:
1. There is no way you, as a ship’s captain would be unaware of hitting a 50 foot beast. I have hit a squirrel and known it immediately. You hit Moby Dick, literally the largest animal on the planet.
2. Once you know you have hit an endangered whale, stop and ditch the evidence. Because if you think no one will notice, that’s what R. Kelly thought when he made that tape. You were both wrong.
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