by Commodore on November 8, 2010
Would you rather...
I like writing these little intro statements but this story had me so flabberghasted that I kind of just want to get to it. You’ll thank me.
Melissa Lee Williams of West Virginia is facing assault and weapons charges after she showed up at her estranged husband’s door with a knife and demanded of him and another man: “Eat my pussy.”
Awwww yeah! West Virginia baby! Imagine being that other dude just visiting, grabbing a beer and then that monster walked in! I might eat Jabba the Hut’s ass out before I would nestle my tongue into her vaginal cavity. You might think that this story is crazy enough but you should stow your carry on and put your head between your legs for this crash landing.
Melissa Lee “commenced to undress herself,” according to the police report, obtained by The Smoking Gun. Danny Williams “declined said invitation,” but the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he “agreed to perform at her request.”
Brrrrrrrrro! A raccoon wouldn’t eat this woman out. It’s elementary, Watson!
However, as Watson approached Williams, “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.” Watson, understandably, “declined to proceed any further.” This is when Melissa Williams allegedly “produced a lock-back folding knife,” opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. She then reportedly uttered a line never before memorialized in a police report: “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.”
Un-be-lievable. You go girl! Everybody deserves some quality time even if that time has to be spent inside something that smelled like a rotting carcass covered in fart. I love how the report said, “Watson understandably declined to proceed any further.” Like there was a previous debate as to whether or not Watson had the right to back off.
Here’s a new game everyone should start playing. Would you rather eat Melissa Lee Williams out or…
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by Commodore on March 8, 2009
I love beef curtains
It’s a great moment in life when you learn something new. For instance, although I would consider myself a preeminent vagina “guru”, I would have never been able to give you 40 synonyms for it! I guess when you’re neck deep in it, you don’t have time to think up other names for it, ya know what I’m sayin fellas?!?! Aw yeah!! (High five. High five.)
Well thank God those classy broads over at “The Frisky” sat around and helped us out. I’m sure they had the time to do this because they are clearly not getting any ass. Let’s take a look at a few:
Junk – Really? You call your pussy, “your junk”? You can’t use this name unless you have one STD.
Yoni – Is it “Yanni” or is it “Yo-nee”? Has a girl ever used this? If a girl told me to “put it in her Yoni”, I would be looking for a CD player.
Britney – I don’t get it.
Coozie – I’m ashamed that I haven’t thought of this one yet. Brilliant.
Dew-flaps – Christ! That is not hot in any way. I am picturing soggy elephant ears.
Sugar Basin – Mmm, I do have a sweet tooth.
Bower of Bliss – Why yes, yes it is a shelter of complete happiness.
Nonny-no – Ok, this is waaaay too close to “mommy no!” Ladies, the words “mommy” or “no” are not things I ever want to hear during sex, even if I were to put it in your butt.
Jam Cookie – Yeah! Now we’re talking! I love cookies! I want to jam that cookie!
Attic – Awful. Unless you’re vagina is in the same state as Queen Elizabeth II’s is right now.
Penis Garage – If I heard a woman refer to her vagina as a “penis garage”, I would bet that she wasn’t a virgin. I would also tip her well.
Mossy Cottage – Disgusting. Reminds me of moldy cottage cheese. Ew.
Jack Nastyface – WTF? That’s terrifying.
I have my own vagina slang term to add to this list and it’s: “Man’s Reason For Being”. Pussy is the reason we get a job, commute, shave, work out, brush our teeth, buy foreign model sports cars that we can’t afford, read GQ, buy shit GQ tells us to buy, trim our balls, put on deodorant, use utensils when we eat, drink water, and treat women with a decent amount of respect.
Well that is…until we get that pussaaaaaay!!!!!” Ohhh! (Chest bump to the fellas.)
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by Big Lou Al Timber on March 3, 2009
DOUCHE!
I’ve hated this show since Day 1. Of course I’ve never watched it, never been forced by my fiance to sit through hours of excruciating kissy face. Yes, I’m a man and I hate everything about this, and yes, I might have shed a tear when Jason…
Shut the fuck up.
This is pathetic ladies, unbelievably pathetic. What’s the track record here, like 1 for 15? News Flash….IT NEVER FUCKING WORKS! Nobody actually falls in love after 6 weeks of helicopter rides, trips around the world, and most importantly a camera shoved so far up your rectum you can see your own heart beat. It never fucking works.
And WOW, this guy just fucking sucks. What’s YOUR track record bro? Let’s see:
a) Divorced
b) Dumped on national TV by the fat frumpy Greek chick
c) You “fall madly in love” with some Ho from Texas (yes, after 6 fucking weeks). Suuuuuuuuuuuuure.
d) You fall madly OUT of love with said Ho
e) You break up with her on National TV (again, obviously I didn’t see this first hand, somebody just told me)
f) You ask the old Ho you used to be falling in love with for a second chance!?!
g) STOP FUCKING CRYING YOU PILE OF DICKS.
Hey, dude, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!
I swear by this, if I ever have a daughter she will absolutely NOT be allowed to watch this show until she’s 18 and well on her way to sucking a dick or two. There is no show out there that could possibly do more damage to a country’s concept of “Love” than this monstrosity.
Can you imagine the pitch for Bachelor Season fucking 19?
Alright dude, so we’re going to put you in a house with 37 women who are all going to fall in love with you tomorrow. You’ll take them flying in F16’s, climb Mt. Everest, and you’ll both get to hold LeBron’s balls. Sound good? Oh, and then you’ll eliminate them one by one based on who puts out the least. Then marry one and break up with her like 3 weeks later.
Where do I sign up for this fucking shit!!??!!
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