by Commodore on January 6, 2011
Surprise!
There’s nothing more a guy likes than being forced into asking for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage. Err-wait, is it nothing more that a guy likes less? Crap. I forget. Maybe I’ll figure it out by the end of this post.
A woman from Chicago’s Northwest Side wanted to start the New Year with a marriage proposal, with help from police. Ana Perez, 40, called 911 around 8:30 p.m. on Sunday, claiming her boyfriend was attacking her. When police arrived, she changed her story, admitting she was trying to scare her boyfriend into marrying her.
Ta-daaaaa!
Police in the Grand Central District were not amused, and charged Perez with disorderly conduct. “She called 911 to scare him and have the police force him to marry her,’’ according to Grand Central District police Capt. Grand Central District Capt. Ronald Pontecore. The boyfriend, according to police, had no intention of marrying Perez and was in the process of breaking up with her.
I guess that settles it. There’s nothing more a guy likes less…
No Comments
by Commodore on April 7, 2010
Yeah, it's like that
Social media and the Internet allow people to stay connected in ways that was not even dreamed of 30 years ago (Ok, that’s a lie. Star Trek had people teleporting. THAT’S staying connected). Which is why when you read a story like this, you can’t help but giggle your ass off.
When two of Lauren Steltzer’s pet chickens went missing last week, she put out a Facebook message to her Lower Merion neighbors. The subject line: “Chickens on the lam.”
See? Boom. Facebook uniting the community. Everyone be on the look out for a runaway chicken.
But at least one Lower Merion Township police officer didn’t see the message or the “Lost Chickens” posters Steltzer put up throughout the neighborhood. When the cop responded to a call for a “large, orange chicken running at large” in a residential lawn, he got his fireman friend to skewer Connie the chicken with a bow and arrow, police said.
Whoooooooa Robin Hood. Unless this “chicken” was mistaken for a rabid ostrich-like organism on the Planet Pandora, there are no combination of words that can make a chicken seem threatening. A “large, orange chicken running at large” is akin to saying in October, “Large, multi-colored dead plant life have been falling from trees.”
“When the officer located it, he felt that it was a threat to other domestic animals,” Polo said. “He decided that the animal needed to be dispatched.”
Dude, it’s a chicken not a Komodo Dragon!
Funny that the cop with a gun called his fireman buddy who had a bow and arrow. I am picturing them both in uniform in the front lawn of a house, slugging beers with the impaled chicken flapping around in the grass as neighbor comes up and says, “Bro….WTF!”
No Comments
by Commodore on March 18, 2010
Gosh, these Jay-Z concerts are absurd
One has to wonder, was this story reported on because the word “Jay-Z” was in it, or because people actually demand to be informed of things like this. The title of the article is, “Sleeping man shocked after cold man jumps into bed”. WTF! And no, it doesn’t get any better.
Police said a man broke into a Pittsburgh home and climbed into bed with its owner, apparently because he was drunk and cold following a rap concert.
That’s it? You’re not going to explain the connection to being cold following a rap concert? Afterall, that is the only interesting piece of this article, why in God’s name did the reporter…report it! If he was drunk and cold following the Polar Bear plunge, that would hold water. Haha. Get it? Hold Water? Cause if he was cold after jumping in the water it would be as if he was holdi-
Police said Fontana kept the man at bay until police arrived but didn’t hit him with the bat.
In related news, I woke up in the middle of the night last night, hungry. I had a spoonful of nutella and a cracker.
No Comments
by Commodore on November 18, 2009
Or something like that
Because otherwise, I’m not understanding why cops use them on anything that has a heartbeat.
Ozark police said they were called to a home where a mother asked for help with her unruly child, but the 10-year-old’s father said he’s outraged at the force police used against his daughter. “I would like to say Ozark police Tased this little girl right here. Ten years old and [they] shot electricity through her body, and I want to know how the heck in God’s green earth can they get away with this,” said the girl’s father, Anthony Medlock.
Seriously. WTF is going on here?
Medlock said his daughter does show signs of having emotional issues, but she “doesn’t deserve to be treated like a dog. She’s not a tiger.”
Wait, which one is it? A dog or a tiger? I don’t think you should treat a tiger like a dog either, sir. Start petting a tiger and scratching its belly, that’s how you end up mamed. Anyways, where was I?
According to a police report, the officer was called to the home by the mother and witnessed the child kicking and screaming. The officer’s statement said the girl’s mother, Kelly Hamlert, told him to use a Taser on her if he needed to. The officer did shock the girl after he said she kicked him in the groin. “He had no other choice. He had to get the child under control,” said Ozark police Chief Jim Noggle.
Is the town of Ozark run by popular opinion? Because the mother said he could do it, he did it? What if she told him to shoot her? Jesus Christ. And now he has “no other choice”? What happened to the old billy club to the small of the back? That used to do the trick. Did his billy club go gay? Is he 7? Did old-man strength skip his gene pool? I guess 10-year olds ran rampant through the country before the invention of tasers.
Anywhere USA between 1776 – 2000…
Officer: Chief, how they hell do you suppose we control these monsters at the playground?
Chief: Christ if I know. We’d need Zeus’s lighting bolt or something…For now, just let them roam until we can think of something.
40/29 News checked with several other police agencies about their taser policies.
40/29 news? Are they trying to put 20/20 news out of business? Ozark, strange place.
No Comments
by Commodore on November 15, 2009
Now THAT'S a cat you call the cops on.
In the most recent installment of “Why We We’re A Bunch Of Pussies”, we have these two idiots.
A cat with medical issues attacked her owners in New York City and had to be removed by the police.
WTF? Medical issues? Unless these medical issues were those from 28 Days Later, no cat with “medical issues” should force anyone to call the cops to protect them. It’s a fucking house cat. Did the thing try to ignore them to death?
Davila said her 10-year-old cat, Carmen, suddenly launched herself at Marte and started attacking him like a wild animal.
Ok, hold on a minute here. 10-year-old cats do nothing but walk around with the pompous stride and privileged aura of Queen Nefretiti, when they’re not sleeping 23 hours a day. It couldn’t be farther from being a wild animal if it were a plastic bag. And anyways, it’s a domesticated cat, not an jaguar. Throw a blanket on it and whack it with a hammer!
Davila called 911 and police responded and corralled the cat into a carrier.
Corralled. Like they were cowboys called in to lasso up some wild mustangs.
What a joke.
No Comments
by Commodore on August 27, 2009
Make sure to double check these things when the man downstairs is leading the way.
I think it would be fun to be a police officer sometimes (not the times you are actually getting shot at or generally putting yourself in harms way to “serve and protect”, obviously). I’m referring to times like these.
According to Hillsborough Sheriff’s deputies, Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform pastor Wikler Moran-Mora sent his wife a text message saying that he had been kidnapped, but that she should not panic. He later sent several more texts where he claimed that he was negotiating his release, which was when she called the police.
Wikler, when your last name is so close to calling you a moron…twice, you have to be extra careful, especialy when you’re thinking with your penis. Now, I realize that you live in Florida and that the “IQ jet stream” tends to stay a bit north of you guys but, seriously? You couldn’t think of a better alibi? Stuck in traffic? Accident on the road? Flat tire? Running errands? Going to Pink Berry? Making a house call for one of your parishoners in need? Nope. You chose, “I was kidnapped.” When you lie, the goal is for the other person to then not any more questions regarding the statement you just lied about.
As a general rule, if you tell your spouse via text message that you have been kidnapped, I don’t think she is just going to continue pruning the bushes, unconcerned about your wherabouts.
More than a dozen Hillsborough deputies were involved in the search for the pastor, who was eventually located by tracing his cell phone. When deputies found him, Moran-Mora allegedly admitted that he had concocted the kidnapping story to spend time with the woman who was in his presence when he was found.
Father, you must not have seen Enemy of the State, Eagle Eye, Man on Fire, Gone Baby Gone, or Silence of the Lambs. After you move into your new studio apartment, put them atop your Netflix queue. You’ll learn a lot about modern technology in some and general police work in response to kidnapping in the others. It’s fascinating.
No Comments
![[del.icio.us]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/delicious.png)
![[Digg]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/digg.png)
![[Facebook]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/facebook.png)
![[Reddit]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/reddit.png)
![[StumbleUpon]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/stumbleupon.png)
![[Technorati]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/technorati.png)
![[Twitter]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/twitter.png)
