by Commodore on October 13, 2010
Here you go, Joe
The purpose of polls is so that people can collectively dip a paintbrush in the palette of life and come out with the color called “Idiot Green“.
Sleeping your way to the top is the fast track preferred by an increasing number of Americans, a new survey has found.
Ok, this isn’t the part of the survey that I had issues with. This part is awesome.
The poll also found:
* Nearly 40 percent of named Oprah Winfrey as their idea of a perfect boss, while 35 percent selected President Obama and 28 percent said Donald Trump.
* Mark Zuckerberg, head of Facebook, was one of the least-wanted bosses, picked by just 9 percent of those surveyed. He was joined by ex-Yankee manager Joe Torre, acid-tongued former “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell and former BP honcho Tony Hayward.
Hmmmm, let me guess…40% of the people polled were women. Just a hunch. And no one in their right mind would rather work for Donald Trump over Joe Torre. I’m sorry, that is asinine. Donald Trump is an old, creepy dude with the interpersonal skills of a bathroom tile. He’ll fire you on a whim and do it in the 100% most disrespectful way. Plus, who the fuck wants to work in real estate when you can play baseball instead? I’d play baseball for Mussolini over working real estate for Donald Trump. Idiots, I tell you.
What the hell did Joe Torre do to anyone? WTF?! Joe Torre has been referred to as a “player’s manager”. He always deflected media pressure away from his teams and he instilled an attitude of winning. Sounds horrible.
Lastly, Trump and Cowell are the same people! Same brilliant jackass. Wouldn’t you rather work with a guy in the music business who has an English accent and a better haircut?
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by Big Lou Al Timber on November 11, 2009
THIS is a true friend...
Listen, Oprah.com, stop linking your articles to cnn.com and throw yourself off a damn cliff already. Not ONCE have you provided me with any useful information? For Christ sake, who is your target audience – retarded 14 year olds that are home schooled?
“Can you tell your friends from acquaintances?”
Yes, yes I fucking can thank you.
“Increasingly, if you’re not plugged into a social network, you feel out of the loop. But as scientists start to study our newfound connectivity, some worry that we’re heading for a massive friender-bender.”
Friend-bender…WTF…?
“But the downside, he worries, is growing confusion between our weak ties (people who might be useful in referring us to a good dentist or helping us find a job) and our strong ties (those we’re very close to). ‘The distinction between genuine friends and acquaintances is becoming blurred. Users are spending time maintaining relationships with people they don’t really care about.”
Which ”users” exactly are you talking about here guys? Because I can very easily tell my genuine friends from the friends I have on Facebook simply so I can look at them in a bikini or a loose fitting shirt. That’s actually pretty fucking obvious.
Here’s a guideline for you idiots out there that are actually having trouble with this:
FRIENDS:
1) You’ll tell them they look like absolute shit.
2) You won’t bang their girlfriends/wives/fiances – unless of course said spouse is a 9 and your wife is an 8.5 or less.
3) You like them, call them, know their parent’s names, have seen them at their worst/best/and nude.
ACQUAINTENCES:
1) ARE NOT YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS. They’re simply somebody you know.
We really don’t need goddamn Oprah.com figuring this out for us. That’s like calling your bank to find out how many cents a quarter and a dime equal. Figure it out people….
WTF!
No Comments
by Big Lou Al Timber on September 10, 2009
Short hair = Success!
So check this out, I’ve definitely answered age-old question of, “How do we make bitches powerful?” With a little help from Time Magazine…
Go ahead, click through the 50 beautiful, rich-as-all-hell, faces:
Are they all white? Nope.
Are they all skinny? Nope.
Are they all straight? hmmmm.
DO THEY ALL HAVE BUTCH HAIR CUTS? HELL YES.
Look at them? It’s like a fucking college softball convention. I’ve got longer hair on my taint! Number 17 takes the cake, or should I say, the strap-on. Good lord Heidi. I think we need to stop concerning ourselves with Lady Gaga and the dude that sprints for South Africa, and worry more about Heidi re-calibrating a HEMI and driving right up our male asses.
To be fair, I’d bang a few, even if that meant giving a reach around here and there. Like Number 20, I don’t care if she’s 3 times my age. Number 34, decent. Numbers 39, 44, 47, and 49, YUP. And of course my main squeeze Oprah – I’d do her just to get lost in her jelly.
But all that’s neither here nor there. The important thing is when I finally have a little girl I’m going to shave her head every year, name her Jack, and force her to go to college. Billions of dollars here I come!
No Comments
by Big Lou Al Timber on April 23, 2009
what are you?
Fucking Oprah makes me sick. Sure this only comes from her “magazine” but literally anything bearing her name pisses me off, and the fact that CNN promotes it makes me want to shove golf tees in my eyes.
“Why Woman Are Leaving Men For Other Woman.”
Woah woah woah, time the fuck out lady. That’s actually NOT what’s going on here and it’s for damn sure not something that’s becoming the fucking “cool” thing to do. As a matter of fact, any article with a picture of Cynthia fucking Nixon and her new pony immediately qualifies as UN-COOL.
Your premise is so far off , woman aren’t “trading” boyfriends for girlfriends. Rather, some woman, like 1 in every 400,000 is a lesbian and when they decided to actually act like a fucking lesbian they go and get a girlfriend. You cited two examples. TWO! That hardly qualifies as “fashionable.” WTF!
Now to be clear, I’m all for lesbians and lesbian porn is top-notch. THAT BEING SAID, Lindsay Lohan, Sam Whofuckingcares, and Cynthia Nixon gross me out so I just don’t give a shit if they’re swinging the other way.
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by Big Lou Al Timber on March 30, 2009
Hey, squirl cheeks, nobody cares about you.
This kinda shit makes me angry that I actually open up CNN.com every morning. I should just go back to reading the back-country times while my dog licks the peanut butter off my balls. Oprah’s magazine cover? Really? I don’t fucking care.
It’s bad enough that this attention-seeking, self righteous African gerbal actually has a magazine, let alone a nationally syndacated show. I absolutely don’t need to read about her on the front page ever. Unless of course she all of a sudden has a sex tape, then fill me the fuck in and put me on the list.
Go back to your palace you fat ho, and don’t bring Michelle down with you. See that belt she’s wearing? That’s actually in the double digits, so don’t go and influence her the wrong way. You hear me?
No Comments
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