by Uncle Awesome on June 30, 2009
I will end you like Mortal Kombat
After Michael Jackson died BET realized they were sitting on a gold mine since their awards show was scheduled for two days later. To be clear, by gold mine I mean that the only way white people would have been more interested is if they were giving away free mayonnaise to every viewer.
The stage was set for tribute after tribute; and then news broke that Chris Brown was making his “triumphant” return to the stage with a ten minute tribute of his own. First of all, I’m not sure you can literally beat the shit out of America’s sweetheart and expect a standing ovation for it, even on BET, even if it was going to be acapella ella ella. Second of all, you definitely can’t do it a week after you plead guilty for the beating. Shit, even O.J. waited a month before he claimed to be “searching for the real killers.” No one at BET seemed to share these thoughts, and then the most powerful man on the planet stepped in.
The Source claims that Jay-Z threatened to cancel his performance at last night’s BET Awards if Chris Brown was allowed to perform his scheduled tribute to Michael Jackson. Though Brown had rehearsed for the show three days in advance, Jay-Z used his considerable influence to shut him down.
If Jay-Z shuts you down, that’s it, it’s a wrap. This is like waking up next to the horse head. You know it’s over. What do you think Chris Brown did that night instead? My guess would be applying to the University of Phoenix because his career is more fucked than Kelly Clarkson’s size 4 pants.
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by Commodore on June 19, 2009
He seems like a doll, though
Oh for fuck’s sake. Who the hell is Christine Prody and why do I give two shits what she has to say? Is she really going to shed any light on the philosophical query: “Does OJ Simpson have anger issues?”
A dump-all book by O.J.’s last lady friend is making the rounds. Christine Prody, the nubile blond waitress who took up where his murdered blond wife, Nicole, left off, is now looking to rat on 13 years of cocaine, pregnancy, abuse, jealousy, possessiveness, manipulation, rage.
Zzzzzz. (Note: The NY Post is ridiculous). Writing a book talking about OJ’s mood swings is like writing a book titled: “Pol Pot: Not The Mr. Nice Guy You Thought He Was”. Hey Christine, choosing to date a sociopath who recently severed the heads off of two people (one happening to be the mother of his children) is your own problem. Keep us out of it, please.
Feeling bad for Christine Prody is like feeling bad for people who climb into lion enclosures at zoos and then get mauled and wonder how on earth that could have happened.
(Note 2: How OJ got off on the Shaggy defense, “It wasn’t me”, still blows my mind.)
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by Uncle Awesome on April 17, 2009
No no no, you misunderstood, I just meant I'll kill them
“Train hard!” “Say your prayers!” “Eat your vitamins!” “Be true to yourself, true to your country!” “Be a real American!!”
These are the words of the immortal Hulk Hogan, said over and over again in the 80s. Admired by millions of Hulkamaniacs, he knew what to say, and more importantly, what not to say. For instance, he said all the things listed above, and never once said “I have so many steroids pumpin’ through these 24-inch pythons that my piss is what Barry Bonds called The Clear”
Then he gave an interview to Rolling Stone last week and said this. Unless you are talking about why OJ took the role of Nordberg in the Naked Gun movies, you can pretty much never say “I totally understand O.J., I get it.” But as a consummate gentleman I’m sure he recovered. . .
“I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody’s throat,”
JESUS CHRIST, Hulkster, let me give you some advice here. It’s cool, I get that you get that Nicole and Ron really got it. I know your wife is living in your house, bangin’ a 19 year old, and that when this kid was born, you were defending America by beating Sgt. Slaughter at Wrestlemania VII. You brought the title back with chants of “U-S-A,” while this kid was being circumcised. So it’s cool Hulk, to THINK those things. What’s not cool is to say them to one of the biggest publications on the planet. So please Hulkster, for Hulkamaniacs everywhere, lay off the murderous rage stuff, or at least say it more eloquently like “Whatcha gonna do, brother, when these 24-inch pythons get a hold of youuuuuu. . . . Then don’t let you go as I slit your throat.” On second thought, just forget that idea too.
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