by Commodore on March 9, 2010
Suckers.
Robert Downey’s character in Tropic Thunder warned Ben Stiller’s that he would never win an Academy Award if he went “full retard”. I wish someone could give advice to our species as a whole concerning what will happen to us if we too go “full retard”, cause this is getting out of hand.
New Zealand woman sells souls to highest bidder. Two glass vials purportedly containing the ghosts of two dead people sold for $2,830 New Zealand dollars ($1,983) at an auction that ended Monday night. The “ghosts” were put up for bidding by Avie Woodbury from the southern city of Christchurch. She said they were captured in her house and stored in glass vials with stoppers and dipped in holy water, which she says “dulls the spirits’ energy.”
Oh come ON! If what you are buying has to be put in quotes to describe it, don’t buy it! Avie Woodbury is “scientist”.
She said they were the spirits of an old man who lived in the house during the 1920s, and a powerful, disruptive little girl who turned up after a session with a spirit-calling Ouija board.
So ghosts who can move between all physical mediums can all of a sudden be mildly drugged and locked up behind the impenetrable walls of a glass vial and a rubber stopper? WTF! That’s like locking up a pedophile in a Montessory School, but giving him the keys and a jetpack and letting everyone know that the situation is under control.
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by Commodore on February 25, 2010
wee fo rael
I tend to not write about mass media hysteria but from time to time, even I have to chime in on the “story du jour“. (That’s “Talk Soup” in French for those wondering.) It’s amazing when a story has the power to grip a nation and spark everyone to embark on candlelight vigils and the like.
A small storm brewing in Gisborne has been calmed by the Fire Service.
Fucking heroes, I tell you.
They were called to a house, where a curious mastiff pitbull cross puppy had his head caught inside a porcelain teapot.
Wait, what? This was in the “national news” section of the online newspaper? What kind of shit has to NOT happen in order to report this story to the national news? Did New Zealand turn into Easter Island recently? Hey guys look!! A BIRD!!!!!
Firefighters assessed the situation, before carefully breaking the antique to free the distressed pup. They report the dog just has a slight cut on its nose.
Thank God for the Internet so that we as a world can release our collective breaths, rejoice, and get back to feeding our wife and kids. We apologize to all of the airplanes that have to navigate our floating prayer thingies that we launched in hopes of a civil outcome to this horrible crisis.
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by Commodore on September 9, 2009
Unless those odds run you into a cargo ship
A 16-year-old schoolgirl attempting to become the youngest person to sail solo around the world has suffered a setback after her yacht crashed into a 63,000-tonne cargo ship on the first day.
What? The first day? I don’t know if you’ve ever been out on the flat ocean but 63,000 ton cargo ships don’t exactly sneak up on you, unless of course, she got ambushed by the USS Ninja.
Jessica Watson’s media spokesman Scott Young described the collision as a “small incident” and said she would continue her journey after repairs were made.
A small incident? She hit the biggest possible floating vessel on the planet 15 miles into a 25,000 mile trip. She might just want to try getting her driver’s license and make it to and from the supermarket before she tries circumventing the globe on a boat all by herself.
If I was going to walk across America but broke my foot upon my first step on a piece of perfectly manicured grass, I would assume that I shouldn’t try to walk across America.
“The good news is that we know the tracking systems and communication system on her boat are second to none,” he said.
Second to none. Do you mean: The tracking system she has onboard would come in 2nd place next to the tracking system known as: “nothing”? Because that’s the only way that sentence could ever make sense, given what just happened.
Hitting a 63,000 ton vessel with a yacht would be like running into Osama bin Laden at a “Jews for Jesus” mixer in Cheyenne, Wyoming.
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by Commodore on September 8, 2009
Can't stop staring, can you?
I didn’t realize that women were still unsure of what a man looks at first when he casts his gaze on the female figure, but ladies you can officially stop spending money on the Proactiv and save up some cash to support the twins.
Researchers found that virtually half – 47 per cent – of men first glance at a woman’s breasts. A third of the “first fixations” are on the waist and hips, while fewer than 20 per cent look at the woman’s face.
Ladies, I know what some of you are thinking, you’re probably saying, “Well that makes sense since breasts do protrude more than anything on a female body so it’s natural for the human eye to be drawn to it initially, but I’m sure he quickly moves up to stare at my face and notice that I got a few inches off my bangs and added highlights.”
Ehhh…
Not only are breasts often the first thing men look at, they also glance at them for longer than any other body part.
Look, spherical objects are pretty and aesthetic. Spherical objects right next to each other are even better. Think of say…two testicles side by side. Don’t you just want to stare at them, touch them, perhaps suck on them and bury your head into them?
No? Well, maybe you just don’t appreciate aesthetic beauty like we men do.
“Men may be looking more often at the breasts because they are simply aesthetically pleasing, regardless of the size,” researchers said.
I think you should work on your spherical appreciation by starting with embracing testicular aesthetics and all its hairy and saggy splendor.
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by Commodore on September 1, 2009
But no one should be getting fired
But I don’t think anyone needs to get fired over it. EVEN IF IT WAS IN MULTI COLORS!!
ProCare told the authority Vicki Walker – who was fired in December 2007 after two years of employment – had caused disharmony in the workplace by using block capitals, bold typeface and red text in her emails.
Disharmony? Was she working in Pleasantville? The only time she should be fired for being disharmonious is if she was in an orchestra and instead of playing her violin, she ran around the stage smacking oboe’s out of people’s hands and kicking over a standing bass.
But let’s for a second entertain the idea that an email can be disharmonious. What did her email say?
The email, which advises her team how to fill out staff claim forms, specifies a time and date highlighted in bold red, and a sentence written in capitals and highlighted in bold blue. It reads: “To ensure your staff claim is processed and paid, please do follow the below checklist.”
Oh, so she was stressing an important piece of information that surely everyone fucks up on their claim form and she probably has to fix everytime. What a disharmonious piece of shit she is, huh?
Hey Vicki’s boss, don’t be angry at the world because your wife and kids hate you. Just kill yourself already.
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by Commodore on August 13, 2009
The Holy Cat.
I can’t seem to figure out why people with imaginary friends, multiple personality disorders, or loss of complete brain functions are deemed “to need help” and yet this army of idiots gets to roam the streets without medical supervision.
A Christian faith-healing clinic has opened in Christchurch offering to cure cancer, broken bones and mental illness through prayer. The New Zealand Healing Rooms clinic in Worcester St, Linwood, is set up like a doctor’s surgery, with a waiting room leading to treatment rooms, where two pastors and divine-healing technicians pray for patients.
Divine-healing technicians?!?! There’s no way they just said that! This can’t be real.
Pastor Marie Rea said they used “aggressive” prayer techniques based on the teachings of Canadian evangelist John Lake.
Unless these “aggressive” prayer techniques include chemo, surgery and pain killers, I am going to pray for these people “super aggressively” to get hit in the face by a meteorite. I hope I can outpray them.
Adele Marsh, another member of the group, said her daughter suffered from dyslexia and her handwriting was illegible. After a prayer session, her writing became legible.
Wow! What a cool God! Helping some random kid read correctly but seemingly not giving two shits about say…the children under 5 years of age that die every 15 seconds from a water related illness in places that Westerners don’t like to talk about because they don’t look like us.
It’s times like these that I am 100% convinced that we need a predator species to hunt us humans and take us out of our grand delusion. Dear God, please please please make District 9 be a documentary. We need it to be.
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