Seriously Sammy, stop fucking around. You’ve already spent years bullshitting us about steriods and corked bats. Now this?
“Speaking publicly for the first time since photos of him from a recent musical award ceremony were published on the Internet, Sosa said that the skin lightening is the result of the use of a facial cosmetic cream.”
Yeah, I’m sure that was it. I mean, I take care of my face and I use cosmetic creams, loofas, and semen. EVERYBODY does, but never have I changed skin color. I’m not a fucking newt Sammy. Unless you’re Michael Childfucking Jackson your face color doesn’t just change with the seasons. Seriously dude.
“It’s a bleaching cream that I apply before going to bed and whitens my skin some,” said the former slugger during the “Primer Impacto” program at the Univision Spanish network. ‘It’s a cream that I have, that I use to soften [my skin], but has bleached me some. I’m not a racist, I live my life happily,’ said a smiling Sosa during the interview.”
Wait wait wait, so you ARE changing your skin!?! Dude, you’ve got me more confused then a black and white rubix cube! What am I even supposed to say about this?
You know this is not Michael Jackson because only someone playing Michael Jackson would jump out of the van with a little hop like they think Michael Jackson would. But I look forward to the nonsensical hype this will surely get for no reason at all. Oh hey, gotta go. This new Biggie and Tupac jam is the bomb!
I hate writing about this dead guy but when stuff like this comes out, I just have to:
A doctor has revealed how he prescribed Michael Jackson a “chemical castration” drug to suppress his sexual urges towards under-age boys.
Good thing Michael was kind of a fairy or he might have overcome the drugs like Wolverine did in X-Men: Wolverine, start flipping out and trying to set a world record for jerking 12-year-old boys off in an hour.
Of Jacko’s sleepovers, where children drank“Jesus Juice” wine from cola cans, the photographer said: “People in Michael’s circle thought that something inappropriate was going on when they’d all sleep together at Neverland Ranch.”
Jesus Juice wine and mass sleepovers in one bed? What’s inappropriate?!
But nobody dared challenge the star because the child-like Jacko saw himself as being the same age as his guests. “He lost out on being a 12-year-old, so he’d get wild and show off for his buddies – even though the boys were still 12 and he was in his 40s. It’s hard to understand if you weren’t there.”
Yeah, the old, “You just had to be there to see him molest these kids.” No, I understand it. I understand it quite well. Give him the Nobel Peace Prize, I insist!
You know what the funniest part about this is? People will always love Michael Jackson more than Justin Timberlake, even if JT wins 50 Grammy’s, cures cancer and stops an alien invasion. Why? Because the world loves to love a fuck up. I mean a true mental fuck up. We don’t like people that are accountable for their actions.
Justin Timerblake, if you want to truly be the next King of Pop, you better start doing some crazy shit (Kidnapping? Black market baby selling?) because we won’t love you as much as we loved Michael until we know that mentally, we are in a better place than you are, and can then feel sorry for you and try to get you the Pulitzer Prize for no apparent reason. Until then, fuck you Justin, you will never be as big as Michael. You’re too sane.
It looks like that alien comes in peace! Let's give him an award!
Michael Jackson could perform like none other. He was the King of Pop (No, not his bedroom antics with kids, I’m talking pop music); there’s no disputing that. But isn’t that enough? Can’t we just let his body melt – err decompose – in peace? Speaking of peace…
Michael Jackson fans have launched a campaign calling for the superstar to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. They say he should be honoured for his charity work and “lifelong dedication to the well being of humanity”.
You people have lost your minds. Lifelong dedication to the well being of humanity? What?! You realize his life was cut short because he was not dedicated to the well being of his own self, right? The dude said that if every child on earth died then he would jump off a balcony. What kind of a sorry excuse for a coherent statement is that?
Hey everyone, if the world’s largest hydrogen bomb somehow vaporized all the oxygen on this planet, I would walk across the Sahara Desert until I died of dehydration. I mean it! You shouldn’t get a Nobel Peace Prize because you are on drugs and talk like a girl.
However, nominations for the peace prize are not made according to public demand.
So put the petition down and go DOOOOOO something productive! Michael’s dead. He does not care about anymore awards. He can’t care, because he’s dead. And anyways, MJ was in intergallactic mental orbit on par with Gary Busey the last 15 years of his life. And I don’t think we’re giving out any global peace awards to Mr. Busey anytime soon.
The only thing that gets me more riled up than stupid people would be someone pooping on my sleeping face, sitting in it, filming it and somehow have that video attach to every resume I send for the rest of my life. Well that is at least what I thought before today because you can add, “psychics” to the level of the the shitting on my face thing.
When Glynis McCants looks at Michael Jackson’s life, she sees the number five. Jackson’s talent was discovered when he was 5 years old, he came to fame as a member of the Jackson 5 and he planned a series of 50 concert dates in London, England, as part of a comeback tour before he died on June 25 at the age of 50. For McCants, a noted numerologist and author, those facts are very telling: “Five is the number for drama, and it was in his life his whole life.”
Dear Lord. Glynis McCants, when I look at your life I see a pathetic one.
Numerology deals with the influence of numbers on personal characteristics and human affairs.
“Deals with” aka, not a type of science whatsoever. It’s like when Willem Dafoe tells that guy in Boondock Saints that he must be an expert in “nameology”.
McCants said that by taking Jackson’s birth date (8/29/1958) she could chart his personality. His was “six life path,” she said, meaning he was magnetic and drew people to him. That, coupled with the fact that he was born on a two day made him irresistible, she said. “If you are born on a two day and are a six life path then America and the world seem to fall in love with you,” McCants said.
You know who else was born on (8/29/58)? Lenny Henry. Who’s that, you ask? This guy:
Lenny and MJ have identical lives, don't they?
The world doesn’t give a fuck about Lenny Henry, now does it?
I could continue quoting the inanity of this entire article that CNN should go hang itself for posting but then I predict that Glynis McCants would always be fat and worthless if I did that, and I am not a mean person so I am going to stop right here. I’m an expert in truth-eology. You’re Welcome Glynis!
…Ok I couldn’t help it but:
Psychic Eddie Conner said Jackson couldn’t help but attract such attention, even if it resulted in a life of isolation. Conner works as a “soul intuitive” in Los Angeles.
HE WORKS AS A SOUL INTUITIVE! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH US?!?! I’m gonna go make up a profession. I’m gonna go be a psychic consultant! haha. Who’s with me? They have consultants for everyt-. Wait. No. Please god no!
The desire for such a connection can cause devastation now that Jackson is gone, said psychic consultant, Jack Rourke, who has worked extensively in paranormal research and consulted for major Hollywood studios. “Even though we’ve never met Michael, people create a symbiotic relationship with this image or this person,” Rourke said. “We project all of the positive aspects of ourselves, all of the wonderful things onto this image of perfection or near perfection that we see, and we imagine subconsciously that this person is in agreement with the deepest part of ourselves.
We are the saddest creature that has ever lived…WTF.
A Stockton family says the image of Michael Jackson appeared on his tree stump the day the King of Pop died.
Please, please, please Mr. Asteroid, put us out of our misery.
First of all, have you ever been to Stockton, CA? Not exactly the IQ Capital of America. Secondly, how in the fuck do you see an image of Michael Jackson in that photo above?!?!?!?! I just took six hits of LSD and still, all I see is the stump of what used to be a branch. That’s it.
Many people in the crowd who gathered to look at the stump Sunday afternoon saw the resemblance, but why would Michael Jackson appear instead of a religious figure — or even any of the other celebrities who recently passed away? “Because Michael Jackson was an icon to us,” said one neighbor. “To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than Jesus, to some people. I think they’re both about even.”
Oh pretty please Mr. Asteroid! Make it swift!
To Stockton? To some people? Make up your mind “some neighbor”. Michael Jackson and Jesus were even? Nice. No wonder Stockton is a God forsaken place. Hey Andrew Luria, are you interviewing homeless guys chewing on sand and sniffing heroin? Come on, guy.
Some say it looks more like the Scarecrow, and some say it looks like Jesus.
Oh for fuck’s sake, people!
Mr. Asteroid. I will blow you if it gets you here quicker. Please come put an end to our collective uselessness.
In case you’ve been living in a cave, or possibly traveling across Siberia, you’ve undoubtedly heard that Michael Jackson died. How? We do not yet know. Possibly overdose, possibly extreme fraility, exhaustion, whatever. The guy died and the world is mourning. Exxxxxccccepppt for New York Rep. Peter King:
“He was a child molester. He was a pedophile. And to be giving this much coverage to him day in and day out, what does it say about us as a country,”
WOW. Tell us how you really feel Peter. The man (yes, I may be using that term loosly here) just died. Love him or hate him is shitting on his grave really necessary?
Regardless of the fact that he may have obsessed over little 10 year old penises, he WAS the King of Pop. He influenced billions of people, yes billions Peter. Even if he sucked a kid’s dick every now and then, he unquestionably loved children and I’m sure many in the world are in a better place because of him.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily disagree with you. I just think you’re probably one of those “closet fuckups” we keep hearing from in the Republican party. I can’t wait until your little boy sex tape comes out, it’ll be hilarious.
The New York Post reported today that going to college is now a shittier deal than those stripper car washes that never let you see the girls until you pay. Then you’re stuck there, on a filthy couch while girls that couldn’t even qualify for the day shift at the Des Moines Hooters are washing your car.
The Post says; The four-year college degree has come to cost too much and prove too little. It’s now a bad deal for the average student, family, employer, professor and taxpayer.
Great, our economy is shot, jobs are more scarce than finding anyone saying a bad word about the King of Pop and now we find out that it’s a smarter idea to just smoke weed, play Tiger Woods, and find some bullshit job at Kinko’s
A student who secures a degree is increasingly unlikely to make up its cost, despite higher pay, and the employer who requires a degree puts faith in a system whose standards are slipping.
Did you hear that Obama? Do you know what that noise was??? That was hope, dying a slow, ignorant death at the hands of overpriced education. Even Mexico is laughing at us for this.
Hey Jacko. You really think your kids might be scared of a few ghosts? Afterall, they have you as a father and that has to be the most terrifying thing in the world. You parade them around in masks like they were Guantanamo detainees. How lovely. And Michael, have you seen yourself lately? I don’t think ghosts would fuck with you. Freddy Kruger would slice his own head off if he ran into you.
That's terrifying
But hold on a folks, have you seen Michael Jackson’s kids?!? Even though Michael Jackson has made himself uglier and pastier than the Hellraiser, you have to remember that genetically, he is a handsome black fellow. Can’t fake that. But his kids are so Aryan, Hitler would hire them. How the heck did that happen?!?
Definitely half black
This is all so ridiculous. Michael looks like that guy from Robocop who gets doused in acid and we’re worried about his kids being spooked by ghosts? WTF?!
This is just gross. Fucking gross. The last thing anybody in the world needs to see or hear again is Michael Jackson on stage. Spare us dude, please fucking spare us.
He’s 50! When the fuck did he turn 50? And now he wants to have his “Final Curtain Call?” Bro, with all due respect you had your final curtain call the last time your nose fell off. In fact, I think you’ve had plenty of curtain calls considering your stints in county for molestation, your failed marriages, drug addictions, child dangelings. Why come back now man? Ride off into the sunset with a little boy rubbing your vagina.
He hasn’t released an album in 8 years. That’s 8 fucking years of NOTHING. You couldn’t pay ME to go watch Michael perform, if that’s what you call it.
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