by Commodore on December 29, 2010
Enough is enough
Are you fed up with looking over your shoulder for pesky police officers while you are peddling crack? Can you not catch a break while running your drug cartel? Well, now there’s a solution!
The Mexican border town of Guadalupe has been left with no police force after the last officer was kidnapped. Erika Gandara’s house was set on fire by unidentified gunmen before she was abducted last week, according to the state prosecutor’s office.
Jesus. Don’t say General Sherman doesn’t live on in the hearts of some people!
All her colleagues had resigned or were killed in the region’s drug war. Ms Gandara, 28, had patrolled the town of 9,000 inhabitants on her own since June.
How have we not heard of this yet and who’s writing the script for this movie? This woman makes Steve McQueen look like Alexander McQueen. Can’t Mexico be dubbed a “lost state” yet? This is getting out of hand now. Even video games don’t let you kill ALL the police officers.
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by Commodore on October 28, 2010
Just go home, guys
On the scale of Pleasantville vs. Complete Societal Mayhem, having an entire police force call it quits has to be an added grain of rice to the Mayhem side, I presume.
The entire police force of a small Mexican town rapidly decided police work wasn’t for them after cartel gunmen attacked their new headquarters. All 15 members of the force in Los Ramones, on the outskirts of Monterrey, resigned and fled in terror as gunmen attacked the building—inaugurated just three days earlier—with automatic weapons and grenade launchers.
Dude. This is getting out of hand. This police force is analogous to the few people who try to stop a monster/alien early on in a movie only to quickly get disposed of. You could tell me that Jesus was giving out free Fountain-of-Youth-Kleen-Kanteen’s just over the Rio Grande and I’d rather stay at home and take my chances with what modern medicine comes up with in the next 60 years, than to step foot in that country.
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by Commodore on September 23, 2010
Bummed
Today’s state of Mexico is like Deadwood but with fancier guns and bigger buildings. Over the past 2 years, I think people in Mexico have killed more state officials and drug lords than they have mosquitos. I think they shot the recect documentary, Predators in Mexico. And I also think the movie Valhalla Rising is a look at life in modern day Mexico. Good thing Mexico is trying to clean up its image.
Here in the state of Guanajuato, where Roman Catholic conservatives have controlled government for more than 15 years, it is standard procedure to investigate suspected cases of abortion. The fear of being investigated means that even some women who want to be pregnant but have complications or lose the baby “have to think twice about going to a hospital,” said Nadine Goodman, who runs a school for midwives in the Guanajuato town of San Miguel de Allende.
Wonderful. So if you’re thinking of walking the streets or trying to raise a family in parts of Mexico, you might want to rethink the “Mexico” part.
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by Commodore on September 9, 2010
That hand also means, "Stop, so we can rob you."
No matter how many tourism commercials they create, everyone knows that Mexico is a desert wasteland filled with gun carrying, drug smuggling bandits. Well, for the most part. I don’t want to make this generalization for all Mexicans. Stories like this, only solidify the lawlessness down there, and make Mexico look like the outskirts of the Holy Roman Empire.
The mayor of El Naranjo, Mexico, in the central state of San Luis Potosi was gunned down and killed inside his office Wednesday, officials said. Witnesses say that four armed and hooded men stepped out of a white truck at city hall, the San Luis Potosi government said in a statement. Two of the men posted themselves outside, and two went inside and to the top floor of the building, where they entered the mayor’s office and shot him, the statement said. The attack happened in broad daylight, at about 1:30 p.m.
Jesus. It’s like a reality show based on the movie, Heat. So many people are getting murdered down there that this CNN report doesn’t even state the mayor’s name. They can’t keep up. I don’t know how much you’d have to pay me to go to Mexico right now. Maybe, 2 free burritos and we’ll call it a deal.
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by Commodore on October 5, 2009
Oh, the horrors!
Two crusie ships collided the other day. Well it wasn’t really a collision like you sick bastards were hoping for. I know you were hoping for meteor-like mayhem. One bumped into another one while it was parked in port. In itself, this is usually enough ammunition for a WTF rant but surprisingly, that is not what made my brain explode this morning. It was in the news because Americans were onboard and had to “suffer” through it.
Kelly Blakeney was aboard Carnival Legend and says, “Next thing I know they hit each other and I was like we hit the other ship!”
Wow Kelly. Your words really recreate the scene for us people who weren’t there. I wouldn’t know how to picture it otherwise.
Tim Fenton was aboard Royal Caribbean’s Enchantment of the Seas and says, “We were in our cabin and the boat kind of rocked, we heard a noise and when I went out. Stuff was falling in our shower.”
All over your shower? How did you survive?! Tim, I’m sure people on the Titanic would a) feel bad for you and b) agree with your definition of the word, “rocked”.
Anna Fenton, who was with him, adds “I was getting stuff out of the closet and I thought I was going to fall in.”
The closet on your cruise ship. Hey Indonesia, is that what it feels like when a 8.1 magnitude earthquake hits? Do you feel like you might fall in your closet or do you feel like the house just fell on you because it did?
Ayesha Albe, says “It was really windy. It got really stormy. All of a sudden the weather changed.”
Thanks for your seafaring information, Copernicus.
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by Big Lou Al Timber on June 11, 2009
This reeks of sophistication and elegance right?
“Authorities have found a massive underground drug smuggling tunnel snaking through the U.S.-Mexican border, and law officers are marveling over its sophistication.”
So you’re thinking “sophistication” in the same sense I am, right? Like, that opera house in Sydney is sophisticated, so is the Golden Gate Bridge. In fact, I’m sure the Celinto Catayente Towers that Pat Healy built in There’s Somthing About Mary were sophisticated. This tunnel better be off the fucking hook!
“Measuring 48 feet in the United States and 35 feet in Mexico, the tunnel contains side walls framed with 2-by-4 wooden studs and ceiling construction.”
That’s it? 2 by 4’s, a ceiling, and 83 total feet! Are you kidding me? Do feet even count as a full 12 inches in Mexico? When I was 7 I built a tunnel that awesome through my fucking backyard! If you go and call something sophisticated, you’d better bring the thunder homey. But it gets better….
“It’s elegant in the sense it has electrical work wired into the Mexico side. It even has a hose for ventilation and lightning,” Scioli said.”
Elegant.
Listen dickhead, if you ever refer to a hole through the ground as “elegant” again I will personally pull one of those shitty 2′4″s off and beat your ass with it. WTF!
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by Big Lou Al Timber on May 3, 2009
Turn around Paco!
Thank GOD for Swine Flu. Thank God. I live in California and it’s about time somebody alerted the media to the fact that Mexicans are crawling into my state on a daily basis through a series of tunnels. Oh wait, this has been happening for years now……so…..so…..what?
Who cares? Well, apparently the government does now that these little fuckers are supposedly bringing over a version of the flu that only kills babies and grandmas (who for the record should probably die anyways according to Darwin – but that’s neither here nor there).
What’s ridiculous about this, other than those that say we should “close the border“ is that we can’t seem to find a way to detect these tunnels. Let’s see here, we landed on the moon. We beat Russia in a dogfight in Top Gun. And we developed an infrastructure that would make a Malaysian man shit his pants. Buuuuuuuuttttttttt, we can’t detect tunnels.
“Most of those have been uncovered through human intelligence, since there are no currently available technical means to reliably detect tunnels.”
No technological means? Hey fuckheads, give Jack Bauer a call. That man can say 13 words to Chloe and next thing we know we’ll have a satellite spitting out images of every tunnel from the Pacific to the Gulf of Mexico. Shit, he could probably run from California to Texas and drop dynamite into each gopher hole along the way, reducing the amount of tunnels from Mexico to America by like 100%. And he’d be home in time to have sex with my mom.
This can’t be that difficult! With all due respect, Mexicans invented the shovel in like 2003, so their shit’s not that advanced. We’re not talking Viet Cong tunnels laced with mines and traps that are like 13 stories deep. These are GOPHER HOLES. Gopher holes:
“Most of the tunnels are pretty crude, what law enforcement call gopher holes.”
Are you kidding me? Seriously, WTF.
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by Uncle Awesome on May 2, 2009
Cock? No Cock?? Find Out at Eleven
ABC News today reported that Swine Flu is not as bad as originally reported.
NO SHIT!!! It’s the fucking flu, just like we said. Even though ABC gets some credit for saying this, they only deserve about as much credit as a monkey for learning not to eat his own shit. I say this because the headline on ABC was “Swine Flu Death Ebbs, but Could Come Back Strong” They want you to know your safe. . . . . for now, but so help you God, at the drop of a hat, this non-deadly, mildly annoying flu could return. . . ONLY WORSE!
The news nowadays is like a Thai hooker:
First they try to frighten you into wanting the information they’ve got.
Hooker: If you don’t pay me another $100 bucks, I’m telling your wife you just got a blowjob by a tranny.
News: Swine Flu will kill you by sundown; find out how to save yourself after the break.
Fair enough, they have your attention at this point. Now you need to know more. You’re scared. Are you going to die? Is it deadly? Did you just get the worlds greatest BJ from a dude or a chick? Are you gay now? I mean, it was amazing! You need to know more.
You To Hooker: Please Sir/Ma’am; show me what’s under that skirt (not a cock, please God not a cock, I can’t believe I did this again!).
You to News: Tell me if I’m going to die you sons of bitches!!
In the end it turns out you were worried for nothing
Hooker: Ah, you caught me, its an inny, no outty”
News: Swine flu will kill you by sundown. . . if you have AIDS, and fuck a pig in Mexico while eating a milkshake made of its shit, other than that though, you are safe.
It all leaves you feeling cheap and manipulated. Well fuck you news, and fuck you Thai hooker, take your fake cock stories somewhere else.
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by Big Lou Al Timber on March 13, 2009
A Billionaire in Mexico? What The Fuck?
You’re not seriously upset about this are you Mexico? I mean, for fuck sake you landed a guy on the Richest People on the Planet List! And he’s not a chili farmer or tequila distiller.
Nope, he’s a fucking druglord. Tony fucking Montana, only, Mexico’s version so he probably has a pencil sized dick and terrible breath.
Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman Loera came in a #701 on Forbes Magazine’s list of the world’s billionaires, and now Mexico is pissed about it.
Um, why so mad? Oh, you want people in your country to make the list without selling drugs? You want a “legitimate” billionaire? News Flash Mexico: NOTHING you have is Legitimate.
I’ve spent my fair share of time gracing your beautiful beaches, I’ve drank way too many sol’s and pacifico’s. Fuck, once I took a jellyfish to the chest in your polluted waters right after playing 36 holes of golf next to a lake filled with human shit. You’re not legitimate, not even fucking close.
I even spent a night in one of Cabo’s fine jails, well, actually I spent an hour before my buddies bailed me out with a few hundred bucks, so fuck your fucking legitimate claims.
Here’s a tip: Get some infrastructure. Get some rules. Build an ecomomy that survives around more than one fucking individual, then come talk to us.
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