Masturbating

Yes, this would be scarier

Men are gross. That much is known. We are gross, horny savages who think about sex for 2 seconds, every second. We do our best to control our urges but sometimes things happen and we need to “equalize” at the most inopportune times. I knew we had the capability of being low, but this guy brought a shovel to the Dead Sea basin.

A 63 year-old New Jersey man has been arrested for reaching under the blanket of a sleeping woman aboard a Continental flight and sexually abusing her. Advani allegedly touched the woman’s “genitalia, groin and inner thigh” all while he moved ”napkins around inside of his pants,” court papers said.

Eesh. The only way this could be more disturbing is if he had a Luchadores mask on while he was doing it. This would be a hell of a commercial for Ambien. Film this scene with this as a voice over: Trouble sleeping? Can’t get comfortable sitting on a plane? Try Ambien.

Two passengers witnessed the alleged sexual assault and kicked the woman’s chair in an attempt to wake her up.

Oh, thanks for your dedication to justice, Jack Bauer and sidekick. Way to go the extra human decency mile and nudge her seat while she was getting fondled. I guess if the guy started rubbing his penis on her face you would have put your hand over your mouth, faked coughed and said, “Penis” under your breath.

Side note: Can you imagine if Jack Bauer DID witness this? I don’t know if manned flight would be possible with body parts hanging out of multiple windows of an airplane, but Jack would make sure we found out.

Side note #2: God Bless Jack Bauer.

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What the drugs told him

I guarantee this will be the craziest thing you read before the end of the year:

A high-on-drugs Dutch trucker en route to Gothenburg, Sweden, was masturbating while driving and lost control, flipping the truck and blocking multiple lanes of traffic. While in the wreckage, he kept masturbating. Under police interrogation, he kept masturbating.

When I jerk off, it takes me like 30 seconds to climax. I’m so efficient, I look like one of those kids who stack cups really fast and you can’t figure out how in the hell they did it so fast. I just know what I’m doing. We men are good at jerking ourselves off because we know what feels good and we don’t play with the tip of our penis because we already know that playing with the tip doesn’t feel good at all (listen up, ladies).

The man remained in the vehicle with his hands apparently still clasped around his own gear stick.

Two hands?? Calm down man! You’re masturbating, not playing tug of war with your pelvic bone. Now, I understand that this man was on drugs but unless he was on horse tranquilizers and he was jerking himself off with wood chips glued to his hand, he probably should have finished up before the police interrogation, give or take.

But speaking of this police interrogation, they let this dude continue rubbing one out in the interrogation room as if handcuffing him behind his back was not an option. Nice work Swedes. In America, you get tazered, billy clubbed, arm barred, and waterboarded if you pee in public.

Oh and ladies, we really are that horny all the time. Sorry.

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“Moved Napkins Around Inside His Pants”

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