by Commodore on October 29, 2010
Don't you look like a doll!
In my ongoing but half-assed attempt to comedically suggest that people should have to apply to be parents, I give you this story which is the biggest defender of my argument by far.
Alexandra V. Tobias, 22, was arrested after the January death of 3-month-old Dylan Lee Edmondson. She told investigators she became angry because the baby was crying while she was playing a computer game called FarmVille on the Facebook social-networking website.
Look at that girl’s photo! Was she one of the twins in The Shining? Was she a child of the corn? Can 22 year-old Americans please stop having kids? Shitheads, if you have anger management problems playing video games and your patience with kids peaks after 3 months, close your vagina or cut your balls off.
Tobias told investigators that she shook the baby, smoked a cigarette to compose herself and then shook him again. She said the baby may have hit his head during the shaking.
In the history of browtf, there has never been a more fucked up quote than the two sentences you just read. I dare you to prove me wrong. I just keep reading the words: “compose”, “again” and “may have” and feel like I should start creating my Application to be a Parent and see if I can get federal funding.
No Comments
by Commodore on October 26, 2010
2 different men chose to impregnate this...multiple times. Eesh.
In the “Shake your head in confusion” category, we have this story. I have trouble hiding erections and yet this woman had no trouble hiding 5 pregnancies. But to be fair, my penis is a bit larger than a newborn baby (high five).
No one knew that Michele G.M. Kalina was pregnant five times with the infants she was charged Monday with killing – not even the father of the babies.
Sounds logical.
In addition to the two children she had with her husband, Kalina gave birth to three boys, one girl and another infant whose gender could not be determined, investigators said. Police found the remains of four infants in her apartment in the 700 block of Court Street during searches in late July and early August, investigators said.
How sad is that?! And look at that woman’s picture! I had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that a man would have sex, let alone unprotected sex, with that woman. Now, I have to reconcile with the fact that there were at least two men who were interested in doing that.
The boyfriend told police the relationship was intermittent. He noticed Kalina’s stomach was growing when they started seeing each other in 1996. The boyfriend said Kalina told him that she had a cyst on her fallopian tubes. The boyfriend said the cyst appeared as many as four times over the years they carried on the affair. Kalina, however, denied to police that she had cysts.
The boyfriend is also the first human being to lose a game of tic-tac-toe to a stick. WTF.
No Comments
by Commodore on September 1, 2010
I just love this photo
Mass times velocity. It’s a fairly straight forward equation. The equation has much a much different result when the train we are talking about is a real train and not a weightless ghost train.
Authorities say a man who was waiting with several friends for a “ghost train” from a North Carolina legend was killed when a real train came down the tracks.
Really? Because the ground shaking and the rumbling in your chest didn’t signal that you might want to get out of the way?
Iredell County Sheriff Phil Redmond says 29-year-old Christopher Kaiser of Charlotte was killed about 2:45 a.m. Friday as he waited with friends at a railroad trestle. Redmond says witnesses said about 12 people were on the trestle hoping to see a ghost train when the real train rounded a bend. Everyone but Kaiser was able to clear the tracks at the end of the trestle. The train struck Kaiser, who was thrown into a ravine.
That’s even dumber than waiting for a ghost train itself. You were waiting on a trestle – which supported active train tracks - with no exit.
The legend developed from a train wreck on Aug. 27, 1891, that killed about two dozen people and injured many others. Folklore Web sites claim the accident can be heard on each anniversary.
119 years to easily test the ridiculous theory and yet, all we still have is a “claim” and now a dead guy. Nice.
No Comments
by Commodore on August 9, 2010
Let's effing celebrate!
The AK-47 is a time tested machine gun. A fan favorite to terrorists, movie villans, video game creators, every militant in Sub-Saharan Africa, and militiant terrorist villians (based on a summer blockbuster movie) in video games. As you can see, this gun is generally used by individuals trying to mame or kill other people. Its use should be restricted during weddings, whaddya say?
A bridegroom in Turkey has accidentally killed three relatives while firing an AK-47 in celebration at his own wedding.
(Lots of head shaking.)
The groom lost control of the weapon as he tried to fire in traditional celebration in the air at the ceremony in the village of Akcagoze in south-eastern Gaziantep province. The guests were sprayed with bullets and the groom’s father and two aunts were killed.
Fucking sprayed with bullets. Again, anything whose sole function is to spray bullets should not be used in a celebratory fashion. A related question could be, why didn’t this SOB let go of the gun? Was this guy being doused with champagne, eyes closed while he was firing the gun with one arm like Rambo while the other arm was guiding the length of ammunition seemlessly into the gun? WTF. He killed his own father!
No Comments
by Commodore on April 7, 2010
Yeah, it's like that
Social media and the Internet allow people to stay connected in ways that was not even dreamed of 30 years ago (Ok, that’s a lie. Star Trek had people teleporting. THAT’S staying connected). Which is why when you read a story like this, you can’t help but giggle your ass off.
When two of Lauren Steltzer’s pet chickens went missing last week, she put out a Facebook message to her Lower Merion neighbors. The subject line: “Chickens on the lam.”
See? Boom. Facebook uniting the community. Everyone be on the look out for a runaway chicken.
But at least one Lower Merion Township police officer didn’t see the message or the “Lost Chickens” posters Steltzer put up throughout the neighborhood. When the cop responded to a call for a “large, orange chicken running at large” in a residential lawn, he got his fireman friend to skewer Connie the chicken with a bow and arrow, police said.
Whoooooooa Robin Hood. Unless this “chicken” was mistaken for a rabid ostrich-like organism on the Planet Pandora, there are no combination of words that can make a chicken seem threatening. A “large, orange chicken running at large” is akin to saying in October, “Large, multi-colored dead plant life have been falling from trees.”
“When the officer located it, he felt that it was a threat to other domestic animals,” Polo said. “He decided that the animal needed to be dispatched.”
Dude, it’s a chicken not a Komodo Dragon!
Funny that the cop with a gun called his fireman buddy who had a bow and arrow. I am picturing them both in uniform in the front lawn of a house, slugging beers with the impaled chicken flapping around in the grass as neighbor comes up and says, “Bro….WTF!”
No Comments
by Commodore on December 21, 2009
Nice costume
The easiest articles to write on here are the ones that write themselves. Like this one.
A Greek man dressed in animal hide was mistakenly shot dead while out hunting wild boar for a Christmas dinner. The shooters are thought to have been confused by the fact the victim was disguised in dark goat skins, which are used to camouflage and to mislead their prey.
Is it really necessary to be that visually compelling while trying to trick a boar as to your true identity? I mean, it’s a boar, not a Naavi. Next time just call in few Texans and a chopper. They’ll gun down some boar for you and you can stop hunting pigs Apocalypto style.
No Comments
by Commodore on October 22, 2009
Don't believe the smile on this guy.
For so many reasons, this article might be the most amazing, confusing, hysterical thing you will ever read. I have no idea where to even begin. Let’s start at the beginning. (Hey, look at that, I guess I did know where to begin. Get it?!? … Ok, over your head. Never mind that! Just join me on this journey of insanity and inevitability.)
An ice-skating bear with a touring Russian circus has killed a circus manager and seriously injured a trainer in the Kyrgyz capital, Bishkek.
If I were investigating that sentence looking for a motive for the bear’s reaction, “ice-skating” might have something to do with it. Here’s a little piece of advice, Dmitry…don’t make a bear do anything it doesn’t want to do for longer than you absolutely must. Just a general rule. This includes donning him in ice skates.
Kyrgyz officials said the bear turned on the manager, 25-year-old Dmitry Potapov, during a rehearsal. The bear, who had skates on at the time, severely mauled another circus worker who tried to rescue the manager.
If ever there was a time when an animal being used for human entertainment had a “Fuck. This.” moment, this was it.
Kyrgyz police shot and killed the bear when they arrived on the scene. It is not clear what caused the attack.
Wait, I’m sorry. It’s not clear? Excuse me, Mr. Kyrgyz policeman…if you were 5 times the size of me and I were to attach tipped over bowling pins to the bottom of your feet and asked you to double dutch on a sheet of ice for my own enjoyment, would you not want to rip my face off?
Bears on ice are common in Russian circuses. Some are equipped with helmets and sticks and trained to play hockey.
Jesus Christ. Ok, now you guys were just flat out asking for it. You train grizzly bears to compete in a regulation ice hockey match, and you deal with the consequences of your decisions. And in the famous words of Chris Rock, “Now I’m not saying he should have killed him, but I understand.”
BTW, “Kyrgyz”? Is that even legal to put those letters together in that order or did someone not know where this happened and just slammed their keys on the keyboard a few times and stuck with what came out?
No Comments
by Commodore on May 30, 2009
Mr. Solis, that is NOT the definition of a warning shot
Back in the “news” is our favorite state. That one whose inhabitants reminds us most of prisoners on the island in the movie, No Escape. Where else but Texas would you read something like this?
A man on trial for murder testified Thursday he only meant to scare his victim into returning his phone, but instead shot and killed the man.
Hmm. That is quite a large gap between intent and reality. That’s like trying to touch a girl’s boob while kissing her, and ending up with your penis in her ass.
“About that time, I got angry, I lost control,” Solis said. “I mean I lost, I was… I was frustrated.”
I would say that is a petite understatement. Frustration is expected when someone punches you in the face twice and steals your cell phone (I mean Anthony Ramos DID bitch you) but alas, ’tis just a cell phone. Taking the Scarface-ian line of reacting to frustration is another thing.
Solis admitting to firing shots at the car, but said he only intended to scare Ramos into returning his phone.
Mr. Solis, warning shots go across the bow, not into it.
No Comments
by Big Lou Al Timber on March 19, 2009
GUILTY!
Let me get this straight. Donte Stallworth was out cruising in Miami, in his Bentley, at 7:00 AM, when he struck and killed a man. Ok, so, in his Bentley….7:00 AM….killed a guy…..YUP! He was probably wasted.
Come on guys, football players don’t cruise around at 7:00 AM unless they’re on their way to practice. Especially in the off-season. At 7:00 AM football players can instead be found in either:
a) Bed
b) The club with Diddy
c) The hospital because they shot themselves.
The second this hit the airwaves somebody with half a fucking brain should have called this out. It’s Donte fucking Stallworth for crying out loud! He’s like the equivalent of Randy Moss and Michael Vick having a child.
Dude was wasted and now he’s going to be found innocent for manslaughter and the world moves on. Unfortunate for the poor guy Donte smoked.
No Comments
![[del.icio.us]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/delicious.png)
![[Digg]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/digg.png)
![[Facebook]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/facebook.png)
![[Reddit]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/reddit.png)
![[StumbleUpon]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/stumbleupon.png)
![[Technorati]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/technorati.png)
![[Twitter]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/twitter.png)
