by Commodore on March 17, 2010
Nope! Good guess though
In the animal kingdom, parents as irresponsible as this would see their offspring nabbed up by any number of possible predators which would in fact, send the parents a message of how to not to undertake certain parental methods. But we are human and we comparatively live in a protected Biodome when it comes to predators.
A Kentucky man high on marijuana and drunk on whiskey put his 5-week-old son in the oven Sunday and left him there overnight, police said. The oven door was slightly ajar, and the oven was not turned on. After smoking marijuana at the restaurant where he works as a cook, Larry Long, 33, returned home to share a fifth of whiskey with the baby’s mother, Brandy Hatton, McCracken County Sheriff Jon Hayden said in a statement.
The Dodo Bird used to act this wreckless in the face of no perdatorial threats, but then we showed up and brought the hammer…literally. It’s only a matter of time for people like Larry Long and Brandy Hatton of McCracken County. I couldn’t have made up fake names better than that.
In the spirit of the Census that is being passed around, can we have an “Are You Ready To Be A Parent” questionnaire attached to it to? We can have such questions as:
Future dads, when you’re drunk and high, is it a good idea to put your baby in the oven?*
*Note: By “baby” we do not mean your penis and by “in the oven” we do not mean your wife’s vagina.
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by Commodore on December 23, 2009
Where this news story should have gone
I wonder what would have to happen in the course of human history for a reporter to see something and say, “Ah, no one needs to know about that.” I am still waiting for that moment. I thought this story provided a perfect storm of literary abandonment, but lo and behold…
Police arrested two men after they stole a lizard from an animal hospital and tried to pawn it for alcohol.
That’s the essence of the story. Yes we later learn that the 44-year-old and the 18-year old tried to pawn it at not one but TWO (!) liquor stores, however I don’t think that part is an “Ohhh, what’s in the box?!” type story moment that you just needed to be privy to.
The lizard, known as “Big,” is back at the veterinary clinic.
I can sleep now.
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by Commodore on November 19, 2009
There's lower.
It’s wherever this guy resides.
A witness informed a police officer at the Boone County Library that there was a man on a computer masturbating watching a wrestling video.
Eesh. In a public library jacking off to sweaty guys pretending to wrestle…that’s definitely a trough in the ups and downs of life, I’d say.
On Tuesday, Nov. 17, at approximately 7 p.m. a Boone County Sheriff’s Deputy Aaron Millson witnessed Lester Henry masturbating at the Main Branch of the Boone County Library. Millson was there for unrelated activity when a library patron approached and told him what was going on.
I love that last sentence. “Unrelated activites”. Just in case anyone was wondering what on earth someone could be doing in one of these so called “public libraries”, other than jacking off. As if libraries were known for Eyes Wide Shut type orgies where people with masks on, yanked it while Brett Hart conducted a Sharpshooter on a multiple flat screen TVs throughout the building. WTF.
I can see this conversation,
Officer Millson: Make sure you write that I wasn’t there to jerk off.
Journalist: Um, I don’t think that’s necessary. I’m sure that’s already pretty cle-
Officer Millson: Wanna get arrested? Put it in there. This is Kentucky. People get confused around here.
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by Commodore on November 9, 2009
This is an actual ad from a Kentrucky newpaper. In case you are blind and/or can’t read, it says: “God, Guns, Guts and REAL GOOD Haircuts!!” What on earth do God, guns and guts have to do with a trim? If the question, “God, Guns, Guts and real good ” was in the category “Things you get at the hairdresser” on Jeopardy, no one would get it.
And you wonder why no one goes to Kentucky? Thankfully, they ship bourbon out of the state otherwise I would just say “Eff It” and learn to like vodka on the rocks. I love that 2nd and 3rd place wins a permit. No assault rifle for you but you can legally fire at shit now.
Even the map that they have seems so detached from reality. Couldn’t get that google map image in there, could you? I guess when you are catering to those people who shop for haircuts and AK47’s at the same time, authentic map diagrams aren’t at the top of your “to-do” list.
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