Justin Timberlake

Seems normal.

I hate writing about this dead guy but when stuff like this comes out, I just have to:

A doctor has revealed how he prescribed Michael Jackson a “chemical castration” drug to suppress his sexual urges towards under-age boys.

Good thing Michael was kind of a fairy or he might have overcome the drugs like Wolverine did in X-Men: Wolverine, start flipping out and trying to set a world record for jerking 12-year-old boys off in an hour.

Of Jacko’s sleepovers, where children drank “Jesus Juice” wine from cola cans, the photographer said: “People in Michael’s circle thought that something inappropriate was going on when they’d all sleep together at Neverland Ranch.”

Jesus Juice wine and mass sleepovers in one bed? What’s inappropriate?!

But nobody dared challenge the star because the child-like Jacko saw himself as being the same age as his guests. “He lost out on being a 12-year-old, so he’d get wild and show off for his buddies – even though the boys were still 12 and he was in his 40s. It’s hard to understand if you weren’t there.”

Yeah, the old, “You just had to be there to see him molest these kids.” No, I understand it. I understand it quite well. Give him the Nobel Peace Prize, I insist!

You know what the funniest part about this is? People will always love Michael Jackson more than Justin Timberlake, even if JT wins 50 Grammy’s, cures cancer and stops an alien invasion. Why? Because the world loves to love a fuck up. I mean a true mental fuck up. We don’t like people that are accountable for their actions.

Justin Timerblake, if you want to truly be the next King of Pop, you better start doing some crazy shit (Kidnapping? Black market baby selling?) because we won’t love you as much as we loved Michael until we know that mentally, we are in a better place than you are, and can then feel sorry for you and try to get you the Pulitzer Prize for no apparent reason. Until then, fuck you Justin, you will never be as big as Michael. You’re too sane.

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Yeah man, that guy tricked us too!

There are certain levels of sympathy that go along with the victim of a vicious prank. That nagging feeling of “Phew, I’m glad that wasn’t me, I would have fallen for that for sure.” When Justin Timberlake got punked and he cried on national TV it was cool for two reasons:

1. He might be the only person on the planet everyone agrees is cooler than The Fonz and Hugh Hefner (1950’s “Playboy Hef”, not 2009’s “You’re not fooling anyone that those hot ass bitches are touching your dick Hef”). And more importantly 2. It was pretty God damn elaborate and you would have cried too. Neither of these things can be said about this guy. . .

A man trashed his hotel room near Orlando International Airport this week after he got a call from someone posing as a front-desk clerk who told him to smash his windows because of a gas leak.

Come on, I’ll say it, that’s retarded. Why not just open your windows, or better yet, just leave the room. You know what a deadly gas leak is if your not in the building? It’s fucked, that’s what! It can literally do no harm to you if your not there. But I’m sure there was a careful set up.

The male caller said there was a gas leak in the hallway, and the guest had to break the bathroom mirror to get the gas masks behind it.

The ole gas-masks-behind-the-bathroom-mirror trick. Oh man, if I had a nickel every time I fell for that one. I am fully aware there are Bibles in hotels and life preservers under my seat in an airplane. If someone told me to get one of these things, I would say “cool, can do buddy.” Gas masks though? Really dude? I think you just proved evolution might be a myth. I hope this guy had to pay for the damage and then in an ironic twist of fate died of a gas leak at home later that week.

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