Posts tagged as:

jay-z

Jay-Z Is Cold Blooded

by Commodore on March 18, 2010

Gosh, these Jay-Z concerts are absurd

One has to wonder, was this story reported on because the word “Jay-Z” was in it, or because people actually demand to be informed of things like this. The title of the article is, “Sleeping man shocked after cold man jumps into bed”. WTF! And no, it doesn’t get any better.

Police said a man broke into a Pittsburgh home and climbed into bed with its owner, apparently because he was drunk and cold following a rap concert.

That’s it? You’re not going to explain the connection to being cold following a rap concert? Afterall, that is the only interesting piece of this article, why in God’s name did the reporter…report it! If he was drunk and cold following the Polar Bear plunge, that would hold water. Haha. Get it? Hold Water? Cause if he was cold after jumping in the water it would be as if he was holdi-

Police said Fontana kept the man at bay until police arrived but didn’t hit him with the bat.

In related news, I woke up in the middle of the night last night, hungry. I had a spoonful of nutella and a cracker.

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Jay-Z: More Powerful Than He-Man?

by Uncle Awesome on June 30, 2009

I will end you like Mortal Kombat

After Michael Jackson died BET realized they were sitting on a gold mine since their awards show was scheduled for two days later. To be clear, by gold mine I mean that the only way white people would have been more interested is if they were giving away free mayonnaise to every viewer.

The stage was set for tribute after tribute; and then news broke that Chris Brown was making his “triumphant” return to the stage with a ten minute tribute of his own. First of all, I’m not sure you can literally beat the shit out of America’s sweetheart and expect a standing ovation for it, even on BET, even if it was going to be acapella ella ella. Second of all, you definitely can’t do it a week after you plead guilty for the beating. Shit, even O.J. waited a month before he claimed to be “searching for the real killers.” No one at BET seemed to share these thoughts, and then the most powerful man on the planet stepped in.

The Source claims that Jay-Z threatened to cancel his performance at last night’s BET Awards if Chris Brown was allowed to perform his scheduled tribute to Michael Jackson. Though Brown had rehearsed for the show three days in advance, Jay-Z used his considerable influence to shut him down.

If Jay-Z shuts you down, that’s it, it’s a wrap. This is like waking up next to the horse head. You know it’s over. What do you think Chris Brown did that night instead? My guess would be applying to the University of Phoenix because his career is more fucked than Kelly Clarkson’s size 4 pants.