by Uncle Awesome on August 3, 2009
I would have cracked like Linda Tripp!
Felix Brinkman was a 90 year old survivor of Auschwitz. He has a number tattooed on one of his arms and endured years of torturous conditions and unimaginable hardship though the Holocaust. You think a hooker from the Bronx would get this guy to crack? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Brinkmann’s body was found lying face down in his bedroom, his hands bound, his body showing blunt-force trauma wounds, “They must have tied him up and beat him trying to get him to open the safe, and he didn’t, so they killed him,” said Dietl. “Knowing him, he probably told them, ‘I did five years in Auschwitz! You’ll get nothing from me!”
Chuck Norris would have given this hooker the combination to the safe in fifteen seconds. Mr. T. would have opened it for them. Hell, I would have given them the safe, my car, my first born and probably a hot meal if they had asked. I bet there wasn’t even anything in the safe; it was probably just out of principle which it makes this guy even more of a badass.
Five times he had been slated for the gas chambers, but each time he used his fluency in German to talk his way out.
I think this guy just made Jack Bauer look like Tootie from Facts of Life. This prostitute better hire the Ghostbusters, because I bet Felix will come back from the dead and kick this bitch’s teeth in!
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by Big Lou Al Timber on May 3, 2009
Turn around Paco!
Thank GOD for Swine Flu. Thank God. I live in California and it’s about time somebody alerted the media to the fact that Mexicans are crawling into my state on a daily basis through a series of tunnels. Oh wait, this has been happening for years now……so…..so…..what?
Who cares? Well, apparently the government does now that these little fuckers are supposedly bringing over a version of the flu that only kills babies and grandmas (who for the record should probably die anyways according to Darwin – but that’s neither here nor there).
What’s ridiculous about this, other than those that say we should “close the border“ is that we can’t seem to find a way to detect these tunnels. Let’s see here, we landed on the moon. We beat Russia in a dogfight in Top Gun. And we developed an infrastructure that would make a Malaysian man shit his pants. Buuuuuuuuttttttttt, we can’t detect tunnels.
“Most of those have been uncovered through human intelligence, since there are no currently available technical means to reliably detect tunnels.”
No technological means? Hey fuckheads, give Jack Bauer a call. That man can say 13 words to Chloe and next thing we know we’ll have a satellite spitting out images of every tunnel from the Pacific to the Gulf of Mexico. Shit, he could probably run from California to Texas and drop dynamite into each gopher hole along the way, reducing the amount of tunnels from Mexico to America by like 100%. And he’d be home in time to have sex with my mom.
This can’t be that difficult! With all due respect, Mexicans invented the shovel in like 2003, so their shit’s not that advanced. We’re not talking Viet Cong tunnels laced with mines and traps that are like 13 stories deep. These are GOPHER HOLES. Gopher holes:
“Most of the tunnels are pretty crude, what law enforcement call gopher holes.”
Are you kidding me? Seriously, WTF.
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