“WTF is Commodore talking about?”, you might be thinking. That’s a fair initial assessment of this article until you stop and think, “Well, unless of course there is a town out there that wants to outlaw eye rolling. I meeeeeean, th- that’s not possible, riiiight? …Right?” (cricket…cricket)
Members of the Elmhurst city council have asked the City Attorney to look into the creation of a “disturbance and disorderly conduct” violation and to see if eye-rolling could somehow be shoehorned into its definition.
Shoehorned (v) : to force into a limited or tight space.
Man, why don’t we use the word “shoehorned” more often? Like, I have to shoehorn my penis into any vagina I enounter…because it’s so BIG! Boom! Chest bumps. Chest bumps. I don’t think it’s a good idea to be shoehorning laws though. Laws should be the opposite shoehorned. Laws should need a Miller Lite vortex bottle. Shoehorning important legal decisions can lead to catastrophes. For instance take this well known discussion,
Himmler: So mein Fuhrer, we’re going to invade Russia, Poland, the Baltics, through the low lands, into Paris and then onto England? Hitler: Yes, and see if we can shoehorn the Jews into my path of annhiliation. Himmler: But mein Fuhrer, we will be spread so thin with all the invading and conquering, don’t you think we should jus- Hitler: (A cold stare) Himmler: Right, ok. We’ll try to eradicate all of the Jews as well. Hitler: And the gypsies.
Am I comparing the Elmurst City Council to Hitler? No. Am I loosley comparing them? Yes. Am I comparing the eradiaction of millions of people to the outlawing of eye rolling? …Crap, I guess I did. Maybe I should have a grenade shoehorned into my ass.
If you can’t like a gay guy with a lisp verbally bitch smacking a dyke (I’m 75% sure, just by looking at her), who can you like, these days?
And seriously, enough with comparing Obama to Hitler. Everyone can’t be compared to Hitler, and we (the left) already compared GW to Hitler, so eff off “paranoid right”. Plus, our Hitler comparison for Bush was because he was marching around the planet on a holy war because of what he deemed was “our duty” based on the guidance he was receiving from a guy in the clouds. Hmmm. That’s way worse than the universal healthcare Hitler.
Side note: How many years have to go by until the Hitler mustache can be fashionable again? Or is that one of those “never again” things, like the “bowl cut”?
A 25 year old man in Egypt cut off his own penis to “spite” his father for not allowing him to marry his girlfriend on Sunday. This is a worse decision than when little Morty Goldbloom punched a 4 year old Adolf Hitler in the stomach in front of a girl he liked causing a young Hitler to “vow revenge”.
Does this guy know how many men have tried to weasel their way out of getting married? This guy is rich, from Africa and wanted to marry someone of lower class but the Dad won’t allow it. Did none of his friends tell him to just go rent Coming to America??? Because it works out in the end, Eddie Murphy gets the girl, his father’s respect, AND still keeps his penis. Also, there were some much better alternatives even if you somehow couldn’t find a job in New York City at McDowell’s or for whatever reason Arsenio Hall wasn’t available to be your servant (although according to IMDB he is playing the character Tasty Freeze in the movie Black Dynamite, so he’s probably available).
Eloping? Had you thought of that, because if you didn’t you are reaaaaaaally gonna kick yourself now. And lastly, who wins with the dick-less you? Your dad? Nope, now you have shamed him and your family to the point where they probably wish you had just bled out. Your girlfriend? Nope, you just cut off your dick; she is already fucking your best friend, right now as I type this. You? Let’s see, no girl, no family, no dick, you’re a bigger loser than when David Caruso left NYPD Blue for a career in the movies.
But seriously folks, I couldn’t be more thankful for our soldiers volunteering to go fight a war I think is farts so I can sit on my ass and complain about it while never having to actually worry about going over there. No need to get all political here, but come on, It’s not like Hitler is on the march and Fallujah is his only holdout. I don’t even know who the hell we are fighting anymore; Bin Laden is cooped up in a cave in Pakistan probably listening to Appetite For Destruction on repeat to get pumped up. Hussein was found trapped in hole with less mobility than the gopher from Caddyshack, then they hung him. So who are we even at war with? Best I can come up with is that it’s the sand druids from Star Wars, and I have no clue who’s winning.
Anywho. . . One fine soldier Wesley R. Smith of 5th Armored Division Drive was upset when he learned over $5,000 had been stolen from his checking account when he was fighting overseas. The shock and awe subsided a bit when police realized this happened.
According to a report published Thursday in the Watertown Daily Times, Mr. Smith had entrusted his checkbook to Chryssaundra L. Shipman, whom he had met on the internet, while he was deployed to Afghanistan.
Soooooooo, no one told you NOT to leave your checkbook with a strange mannish looking woman you met on World of Warcraft while you went off to war? Maybe it’s a good thing this happened because it sounds like if you kept your checkbook you would have bought either the Brooklyn Bridge or some magic beans. Beetle Bailey wouldn’t have done this, and if he did, the Sarge would have just killed him.
Also, perhaps more importantly, Ms. Shipman, you stole money from a man putting his life on the line to go to war, you’re a dirty bitch!
If there was one book in the history of the written language you absolutely would NOT want a society to use as an inspirational tool it would be this!
“Mein Kampf,” Adolf Hitler’s autobiography, is flying off the shelves at Indian book stores as business students look to Germany’s former dictator for inspiration”
Well at least there is probably a good explanation, right?
“Indian students see the book as a self-improvement and management strategy guide”
I’m sorry, strategy guide? The last strategy guide I bought was for Super Mario 64, and it helped me get 120 stars, and I’m pretty sure it never mentioned me killing 6 million Jews. Can’t we get these kids hooked on something else crazy, maybe less hateful? I never thought I would say this, but where is Dianetics when you need it, India just needs some good ole Scientology to inspire them.
And what are the professors of these classes telling these kids?
Professor: So who has something to add on the theory of diminished returns?
Student: Well I was thinking it reminded me a lot of Hitler
Professor: Whoa whoa whoa, what??
Student: Yeah, you know, if you murder all the Jews then there is a diminished return of them infesting our economy, that’s what you meant in the lecture right?
When I think of a stereotypical Southern Republican I think of the parents from Leave It To Beaver, perfectly pleasant, well mannered, and would hang themselves if their daughter brought home a black boyfriend.
As it turns out I wildly underestimated how bigoted and racist they can be. North Carolina Republican Congresswoman Virginia Foxx called the Matthew Shepard murder a “hoax” today in Congress.
“Foxx, who called the case “a hoax that continues to be used as an excuse for passing these (hate crime) bills”
If you don’t remember Matthew Sheppard, he was s gay student in Wyoming who was robbed, pistol whipped, tortured, tied to a fence in a remote, rural area, and left to die. Still tied to the fence, Sheppard was discovered eighteen hours later tied to a fence, mistaken for a scarecrow.
It was one of the most publicized and horrific murders of the last twenty years and Ms. Foxx called it a fucking hoax! Now I have heard of people that don’t think the holocaust was real, I always assumed it was an urban legend, like “friends with benefits”, but now thanks to Ms. Foxx, I believe. I wonder what her campaign flyers looked like:
Virginia Foxx, fighting hard for you (not if your black, a Jew, or a fag)
Virginia Foxx, Hates the Washington elite (especially the black, gay or Jewish ones)
Virginia Foxx; Wife, Mother, and above all, Aryan (seriously, fuck those faggots, I mean it)
WTF!
PS. Matthew Sheppard’s mother was in the audience at Congress when Foxx said her sons murder was a hoax.
I mean, they just want to play ultimate frisbee like everyone else.
Heavily religious people (see: bigots) taking one line of a book of parables written 2 millenia ago out of context, never gets old does it?
Faith organizations and individuals who view homosexuality as sinful and refuse to provide services to gay people are losing a growing number of legal battles that they say are costing them their religious freedom.
View as sinful? I thought you crack pots believe that everyone sins? Is being gay a sssssssuper ssssssin? Thou shalt not be gay? Was there an 11th Commandment I missed? You know what are Commandments? Don’t desire your neighbors shit or his wife. And since everyone wants what they don’t have and everyone wants to bang a married chick, shouldn’t you stop servicing….everyone?
Religious freedom? That’s funny. You and Hitler had the same, “But this is what I believe” gripe. Gosh, those pesky Allies, huh? Why couldn’t they just let Hitler have his religious freedom of treating people however his religious beliefs wanted to?
Yes, I realize that Hitler practiced his beliefs a tad bit aggressively, but when a doctor refuses to artificially inseminate someone because of their sexual orientation, isn’t that being an itty bitty teenie weeny little minature baby Hitler?…..no? Still a stretch? Did someone just slide anthrax under my door?
My point is, you religious freedom wanting racist motherfuckers, why don’t you start doing the one thing your book tells you to do (be tolerant) and stop doing the one thing it tells you to not do (judge people)?
