by Commodore on February 19, 2010
Don't look directly into it. It could render your brain useless
I don’t know what horrifies me more.
A) Running into the idiots that answered this survey incorrectly (yes, incorrectly) and being forced to have a conversation with them or
B) If this report doesn’t horrify you, my faithful readers, more than the boogey man does.
Nearly a third of Texans believe humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth at the same time, and more than half disagree with the theory that humans developed from earlier species of animals, according to the University of Texas/Texas Tribune Poll.
That has to be the saddest thing about the progression of our species. More so than greed, corruption and murder. The fact that we get to live such a pampered life due to technology and on the backs of people that spent their lives dedicated to the advancement of technology so that we could live a little better, a little longer, and with a little more clarity and understanding of the world and universe around us, only to have half of us then “not believe” quite possibly the clearest scientific fact ever proven, is a travesty of the gravest degree.
For 1 out of 3 Texans to think that humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth together would be like 1 out of 3 Texans believing they could swim to the moon from the surface of the earth, on a river of Cool-Whip.
For 1 out of 2 Texans to think that humans did not develop from earlier species would be like 1 out of 2 Texans believing that the movie Cars was a documentary.
Yes it IS the same thing. Believe in God. Believe in reincarnation. Believe in killing yourselves and jumping on the back of comets. But not accepting a scientific fact as simple as the age of the earth, is what makes your beliefs laughable.
Can someone put the flag of “logic and science” at half mast. It is a sad sad day.
If you’d like to learn something about science and facts, I highly recommend watching this.
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by Commodore on December 4, 2009
But you have to go get it
I am told that the good Lord works in mysterious ways. I don’t find this method that mysterious, however. It actually seems quite logical on this end.
Over three months in 2006, as her five children grew more emaciated and listless by the day, Estelle Walker made no move to find a job, no effort to scrounge up a meal, her kids told a jury yesterday. “We were supposed to wait for God to provide,” said Walker’s oldest daughter, now 21. “And that’s what we did.”
I wonder how that worked out.
At one point, the daughter said, she and her siblings went 11 days without food. When police were at last summoned to the Sussex County cabin by neighbors, investigators found the children so malnourished they had difficulty talking.
How does someone get to believe that a “god” is going to actually provide edible food for her and her family? Was Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs that persuasive? This woman should be put in the loony bin with all the other folk talking to voices in their head.
Walker, 50, of Brooklyn, is charged with four counts of second-degree child endangerment. If convicted, she faces up to 10 years in prison on each count.
See? Nothing “mysterious” about his ways. Makes sense to me.
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by Commodore on November 9, 2009
This is an actual ad from a Kentrucky newpaper. In case you are blind and/or can’t read, it says: “God, Guns, Guts and REAL GOOD Haircuts!!” What on earth do God, guns and guts have to do with a trim? If the question, “God, Guns, Guts and real good ” was in the category “Things you get at the hairdresser” on Jeopardy, no one would get it.
And you wonder why no one goes to Kentucky? Thankfully, they ship bourbon out of the state otherwise I would just say “Eff It” and learn to like vodka on the rocks. I love that 2nd and 3rd place wins a permit. No assault rifle for you but you can legally fire at shit now.
Even the map that they have seems so detached from reality. Couldn’t get that google map image in there, could you? I guess when you are catering to those people who shop for haircuts and AK47’s at the same time, authentic map diagrams aren’t at the top of your “to-do” list.
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by Commodore on August 27, 2009
Make sure to double check these things when the man downstairs is leading the way.
I think it would be fun to be a police officer sometimes (not the times you are actually getting shot at or generally putting yourself in harms way to “serve and protect”, obviously). I’m referring to times like these.
According to Hillsborough Sheriff’s deputies, Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform pastor Wikler Moran-Mora sent his wife a text message saying that he had been kidnapped, but that she should not panic. He later sent several more texts where he claimed that he was negotiating his release, which was when she called the police.
Wikler, when your last name is so close to calling you a moron…twice, you have to be extra careful, especialy when you’re thinking with your penis. Now, I realize that you live in Florida and that the “IQ jet stream” tends to stay a bit north of you guys but, seriously? You couldn’t think of a better alibi? Stuck in traffic? Accident on the road? Flat tire? Running errands? Going to Pink Berry? Making a house call for one of your parishoners in need? Nope. You chose, “I was kidnapped.” When you lie, the goal is for the other person to then not any more questions regarding the statement you just lied about.
As a general rule, if you tell your spouse via text message that you have been kidnapped, I don’t think she is just going to continue pruning the bushes, unconcerned about your wherabouts.
More than a dozen Hillsborough deputies were involved in the search for the pastor, who was eventually located by tracing his cell phone. When deputies found him, Moran-Mora allegedly admitted that he had concocted the kidnapping story to spend time with the woman who was in his presence when he was found.
Father, you must not have seen Enemy of the State, Eagle Eye, Man on Fire, Gone Baby Gone, or Silence of the Lambs. After you move into your new studio apartment, put them atop your Netflix queue. You’ll learn a lot about modern technology in some and general police work in response to kidnapping in the others. It’s fascinating.
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by Commodore on July 17, 2009
I knew it!
Haha. Get it? Best title ever? Well that is if none of the other 8 billion websites that report “news” didn’t use it first. Don’t know WTF I’m talking about? Well, the pope fell and broke his wrist.
Apparently the ‘Ol # 1 in the sky is trying to send some sort of message to the Catholic #1. Question of the day is, who do you pray to if the pope breaks his wrist?
Idiot: Dear God, did you hear?! The pope broke his wrist! It’s so awful! Please help.
God: Dear Idiot, I know. I did it. I feel like he has been trying to pull a Stringer Bell to my Avon Barksdale, and I don’t like it. I don’t trust the guy. He’s up to something and quite frankly he looks like the Emperor Palpatine, and fuck that guy, right?! Now stop wasting all my bandwidth with your stupid requests, please…Oh and I love you, you’re my sheep, you shall not want, and all that. Peace.
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by Commodore on May 12, 2009
Doing God's work
It’s not as if I seek out articles about my favorite topic, religion idiots, I think they just find me and make me write about them. In this world, you can be rich and famous for being incredibly brilliant or being an incredible idiot. Carrie Prejean is incredibly hot, so it’s a shame that she is also an incredible idiot.
Dobson: And you did one of the most courageous things I’ve seen anybody your age or anybody else do. What was going on in your mind?
Prejean: I just knew at that moment that God was just telling me “Carrie, how bad do you want this? Are you willing to compromise your beliefs for a one year crown of Miss USA.”
Because God really cares about beauty pageants. It really fits the whole: “The meek shall inherit the earth” thing. God turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt for looking back while he destroyed two cities. Where do you think you fit on the pecking order as you parade your body around looking for attention? But go on:
Prejean: Your goal should be to please God, not to please man.
Yes, I’m sure God was pleased jerking off to these topless pictures of you too. Good job! (SFW – There is a little star covering the boobies)
Dobson: Why did you give the answer you did with regard to the affirmation of marriage?
Prejean: . . . I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me in asking me this question. And then God was in my head and in my heart saying, “Do not compromise this. You need to stand up for me…”
Prejean, if you weren’t so hot I would swear off ever having sex with you. I dare you to say no to this 4.5-inch pseudo phallic rod of temptation, I call Damien.
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by Big Lou Al Timber on April 14, 2009
What do you call THIS Mr. God?
It’s bad enough that this wretched bag of ass kidnapped, raped with an instrument, and then killed Sandra Cantu. And it’s even worse that she stuffed her 8 year old body into a suitcase and threw it into a pond. But here’s the kicker, here’s where the story gets really juicy: Bitch teaches Sunday School and her Grandpa was a Pastor.
WTF ?
Please tell me you didn’t prey on little boys and girls at Sunday School, because I think that might be sacreligious or something. I’m no bible thumper, but didn’t God leave out “rape with an instrument” from his list of things to do, a lot? And stuffing a suitcase with a dead kid? Which day was that? Like right after the flood and before God killed the dinosaurs right?
At least she can ask for forgiveness and probably get it. Right before they send 1 billion volts of hell through her body. See you in heaven Huckaby.
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by Commodore on March 9, 2009
No! Go wait over there!
In a prime example of how the world is going to shit, God was so busy this weekend that he was a little late trying to save the pastor of a Maryville, IL church. By the time God was able to intervene and “jam” the gun, the pastor was already dead, having been shot 4 times. This is just another instance in a long line of people’s recent frustrations with God. A global recession, genocide, a depletion of the world’s resources, climate change, and Megan Fox apparently “working things out” with her boyfriend are all things that have people going after numero uno.
BROWTF was able to sit down with God for a brief interview.
BROWTF: The pastor was shot 4 times, in your house, nonetheless. Bro, WTF?
God: Look man. I acted as fast as I could. You know how hard it is when you give your so-called “greatest creation” free will but they turn out to be nothing but a bunch of self righteous ego maniacs?
BROWTF: My greatest creation was a snow fort, so no, not really.
God: Fuck man. I got stupid teenage girls praying for boys to text them back. I got people praying for other people to die. I got people praying to do anal for the first time! You people are sick bastards. This is not what I had in mind when I allowed prayers. It bogs me down. Look what happens. I’m 2 seconds late, one of my own gets gunned down and all I get is a bunch of “Why God?” in my inbox. You guys can go eat dirt. You suck.
BROWTF: Snap.
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