I was once almost caught in bed with a girl, by her father. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. Granted, we were both 25-years old, but still, no man wants to find his daughter in bed with any man, even her husband. This dad is as protective as they get.
Helmut Seifert, 47, an ethnic German originally from Russia, was enraged when he heard his 17-year-old daughter was having a relationship with Phillip Genscher, 57. “The man recruited two work colleagues at his factory and then went to the house of the victim,” said police.
Oh, so he scared the guy a little bit? Gave him the old, “If you ever touch my daughter again” shtick. No?…Worse?
“The man was forced to remove his trousers and, fully conscious, he was castrated. The severed testicles were taken away by the perpetrator.” The man was close to bleeding to death but managed to call police. His life was saved but he remains a eunuch for life.
Wow. Note to self, never ever sleep with a girl whose father is named “Helmut”.
In the 20th century it’s fair to say that Germany didn’t do a commendable job of staying out of harms way. Instead, they seemed to be at the center of destruction, invasions, walls and men running around with Hitler mustaches. Hm? Oh that was actually Hitler himself? My bad. Anyhow, their first failed dabble in European domination, WWI, got them a slap on the wrist in the form of the Treaty of Versailles which called for them to pay back reparations in the amount of 40,000 tons of gold. This not only bankrupted them but allowed Hitler and the Nazi party to grow and take power in the 20’s and 30s. Then there was that little thing called World War II followed by the Iron Curtain. Two minor events in the 1900’s. Well, after 92 years, Germany has paid back all of the reparations.
Germany suspended annual payments in 1931 during the global financial crisis and Adolf Hitler unsurprisingly declined to resume them when he came to power in 1933. But in 1953, West Germany agreed to service its international bond obligations. In the years that followed it repaid the principal on the bonds, which had been issued to private and institutional investors in countries including the United States. Germany was allowed to wait until it unified before paying some €125 million in outstanding interest that had accrued on its foreign debt in the years 1945 to 1952. After the Berlin Wall fell and West and East Germany united in 1990, the country dutifully paid that interest off in annual instalments, the last of which comes due on Oct. 3.
So let me get this straight. Germany is central in 2 world wars and the border between the “free” west and the communist east, and is still able to pay back all of it’s war debt all while becoming an industrial powerhouse (again), a global leader in alternative energy, solar power technology, education, healthcare, automotive excellence (Audi, BMW, Mercedes) as the 21st century moves on.
And America? Well we export debt even as the Germans are paying us back, we drag our feet on sustainable advancements, our healthcare system is prehistoric even though we spend more on it than anyone else, our education system is comical, our car companies include such pieces of shit as GM, Ford and Buick, and we don’t have anything anywhere near as cool as Oktoberfest. (Mardi Gras isn’t really American).
Ever since the advent of the internet, I didn’t know it was still necessary to go into a movie store (wait, there’s still movie stores too?) and get a 2-day rental for “Tyrannosaurus Sex”. Without Netflix, this guy apparently had no other way to get across his low rankingof the movie.
A customer got into a fight in a gay sex shop when he demanded a refund after watching a porn film. CEN reports that the furious punter branded the film rubbish, but staff at the Mystery Hall Sex Shop in St Pauli, Germany, refused to give him his money back. He left the shop but returned minutes later to start a fight, and after flooring the shop assistant he stole £350 as compensation for the disappointing film before leaving the shop.
£350? I knew the Germans were efficient with their time, but how long was this porn that this guy could reasonably think that his time wasted was worth £350? Was it the “Starfish Wars” 6-movie pack?
I thought it pertinent to mimic the title of the news article so you can see that I have nothing up my sleeves. There’s no play on words. No double entendres. No tomfoolery. Man marries dying cat. WTF.
A German man has unofficially married his cat after the animal fell ill and vets told him it might not live much longer, Bild newspaper reports.
Oh, when you put it THAT way, it doesn’t sound so crazy anymore. It just sounds like a guy who wanted to marry his dying cat. No big deal.
“Cecilia is such a trusting creature. We cuddle all the time and she has always slept in my bed,” Uwe Mitzscherlich, a postman from the eastern town of Possendorf, told Bild. Actress Christin-Maria Lohri, who officiated the ceremony, was quoted as saying: “At first I thought it was a joke. But for Mr Mitzscherlich it’s a dream come true”.
She’s your fucking cat, dude! That’s what cats do, they sleep! Christin-Maria Lohri’s words were so timely and touching though. I’m surprised Mr. Mitzscherlich couldn’t get Nicholas Sparks to do it. He’s into all that forbidden love/love-without-borders business isn’t he? Shit, I bet Nicholas Sparks’ book, “Lying with Feline. I’m not Lying” hits stores tomorrow. He’s like the Tyler Perry of novels.
Experiment? Do you understand the meaning of that word?
“A hoax video purporting to show Michael Jackson hopping out of a coroner’s van alive was produced by a German television station as an experiment, the broadcaster told CNN Monday.”
Somebody please explain to me what I’m missing here. What exactly was the “experiment” part of this experiment? I’m as confused as Mike Tyson at the spelling bee.
“It was made to show how easy it is to spread rumors online, said Heike Schultz, a spokeswoman for RTL, the leading private broadcaster in Germany.”
Well then, it wasn’t an experiment, dumbass. It was a demonstration, like when I knock a guy out and stand over him sh0wing him the bottom of my nut sack. If I remember correctly, between trying to jerk off in my pants and eat a fruit roll up at the same time, 8th grade taught me that an experiment needs a control, and variable, and a hypothesis. Help me out here Heiki….explain son.
This was probably just a really bad idea, and some dumbshit (ie. Heiki Schultz) took it and ran with it. Kinda like that time I decided to take a poop on my girlfriend’s car, as a practical joke, and then her dad saw me – mid squat. I really should have just told him it was an experiment, then I would have gotten off scot-free, with maybe a post poop BJ. Oh well, you live and you learn I guess.
Men have always been looking for ways to get a sneak peek at a female’s body: Peeping Tom’s, mirrors on our shoes (What, am I the only one that still does that?), and carrying drills and mini S.W.A.T cameras into hotel rooms next to people named, Erin Andrews. If you told a guy he could either look at the naked photo of a girl you had in one hand, or Marcellus Wallace’s open case in your other hand, I don’t know what he would choose. We like the female body. But this might take the cake.
The saucy thong swimsuit looks like a real bikini but DISAPPEARS after just a few seconds in water.
Forgive me guys, but what the fuck is wrong with us?
Sellers in Germany bill the dissolving Get Naked costume as a chance for men to get their own back after a break-up.
That’s the sell? What girl wouldn’t accept a bathing suit made out of cotton candy & salt, in a box that says “Get Naked Bikini” from their psychotic ex-boyfriend? Seems like a slam dunk business model to me!
I have been thinking for a long time now; “Sure, I like Hitler as much as the next guy, but how do I really learn to nurture my inner racist?” Well, if you have been anticipating an all Aryan Nazi training center as much as I have, GREAT NEWS. . .
Germany’s far-right National Democratic Party (NPD) has triggered outrage with plans for a Third Reich-style “training centre” in a small village. The mastermind of the scheme is Jürgen Rieger, a lawyer and deputy leader of the anti-immigrant, anti-EU party that is steeped in pride for Adolf Hitler and the “achievements” of the Nazi regime.
I wonder what “achievements” they will focus on the most? Probably the revolutionary Autobahn. Look out structural engineers, this could be the training you were looking for! Maybe they will really get into the mind of an artist, as Hitler loved to paint. This could be the beginning of a learned artistic revolution!
I have a copy of the application here. I’m a bit confused, I think I found a trick question. They are asking my opinion on the Holocaust, now what it is it they want to hear? Hmmmm, that it didn’t happen at all, or that it was a good start? Let’s see, history books in the South call the Civil War the “War of Northern Aggression,” so I’m gonna go with “it just didn’t happen”.
Someone once told me that a polar bear would beat me in an arm wrestle. I have one rule in life: Never mess with an animal that can beat you over the top. Let alone the sole animal on the planet that actually hunts human beings. Now, if you wanna go leaping fences to jump in a polar cage at feeding time to see what a bear paw to the mandible feels like, well let me just grab my Junior Mints and soda because I’m gonna enjoy this matinee.
Look folks, people that choose to jump into bear cages deserve to die. Every time we let people off the hook, the term, “Enter at your own risk” starts to carry as much weight as Lindsay Lohan’s feet, 4 days into a post-breakup coke binge.
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