by Commodore on November 5, 2010
He's dangerous
I can’t wait until Justin Bieber reaches puberty so that when people make fun of his last name, the concoction of chemicals and hormones running through his body will cause him to get so angry that he will start pulling knives on people…kind of like this kid did to his mom.
Surprise police said a boy pulled a knife on his mother who refused to let him go trick-or-treating as a “gay Justin Bieber”.
Forget about teh knife and the costime, how do I become part of the “surprise police”? Sounds interesting. Do you just hide behind shit and then pop out and startle people?
After throwing a tantrum and getting grounded from trick-or-treating, he grabbed a knife from his room and threatened to kill her, Ortega said. The mother disarmed her son without injury and called police. Police arrested the pre-teen on suspicion of threatening his mother with a knife.
Hmmmm, the surprise police have the capability of having their suspicions be dead on. They’re like a gang of mentalists! Amazing.
No Comments
by Commodore on October 9, 2010
THIS is being chased by an elephant
Depending on how you look at it, Walmart is either the model corporate citizen of the new millennium, with it’s drive for organic products and it’s desire to only work with environmentally responsible vendors, or you’re the small shop owner, and Walmart is the rich kid who shows up in your neighborhood and steals all your women. Either way, they got some ’splainin to do.
A children’s book written by the wife of anti-gay Standard of Liberty president Stephen Graham is being carried by over 100 Walmart stores. Chased by an Elephant, the Gospel Truth about Today’s Stampeding Sexuality by Janice Barrett Graham was written to “help shed the clear light of truth on today’s dark and tangled ideas about male and female, proper gender roles, the law of chastity, and the God-given sexual appetite,” according to Janice Graham in the book’s introduction.
Yaaaaaaawwwwwwwwn. Seriously Janice? You’re still picking this bone? As soon as online porn became free, your fight became futile, I’m sorry. It’s like the time a samurai warrior, in love with his katano blade, explained to people that his weapon was the only true weapon of war. And then this warrior got gunned down by a Gatling gun.
The Grahams claim that their son, Andrew, successfully changed his sexual orientation and is now a happily married man.
Successfully changed. Like he was a Marvel Comic character going through a mutation. Janice, if you’re son is happily married, then that means he is happy. Shouldn’t that tell you enough? Shouldn’t that be enough for a mother to have her son find someone that makes him happy?
The book’s introduction says Andrew’s “story ends happily with his subsequent deliverance and healing through family support, expert professional counseling, truth, and repentance through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Included is a lengthy introduction by expert on overcoming homosexuality.”
Of course it all comes back to the Bible and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. People are still fighting this anti-homosexual fight because of a few sentences written by a couple of dudes who scientifically couldn’t possibly understand things like genetics and hormonal influences, and who logically (at the time) thought that if you were any different from the status quo, it was assumed that the gods didn’t like you, and so, you were an outcast.
Well it’s not 2000 years ago anymore. Come on Mr. and Mrs Graham, society can advance much faster if you would stop being dead bigoted weight on the “Progress” rope we as humanity are trying to inch forward.
No Comments
by Commodore on September 8, 2010
Rrrrroar!
Ever since the advent of the internet, I didn’t know it was still necessary to go into a movie store (wait, there’s still movie stores too?) and get a 2-day rental for “Tyrannosaurus Sex”. Without Netflix, this guy apparently had no other way to get across his low ranking of the movie.
A customer got into a fight in a gay sex shop when he demanded a refund after watching a porn film. CEN reports that the furious punter branded the film rubbish, but staff at the Mystery Hall Sex Shop in St Pauli, Germany, refused to give him his money back. He left the shop but returned minutes later to start a fight, and after flooring the shop assistant he stole £350 as compensation for the disappointing film before leaving the shop.
£350? I knew the Germans were efficient with their time, but how long was this porn that this guy could reasonably think that his time wasted was worth £350? Was it the “Starfish Wars” 6-movie pack?
No Comments
by Commodore on April 9, 2010
And now look back at the guy behind you...
Yoga. In and of itself, it’s a more difficult task than one initially assumes. Once in class, it becomes hard to concentrate on holding poses when incredibly flexible women are bending like a Charleston Chew 2 inches from your face. Now imagine you’re a guy and substitute those beautiful female figures with men. Ok, now holding the poses becomes difficult for other reasons. Dudes smell, they fart, they sometimes are so inflexible that it causes you to laugh outloud. Ok, now picture that all these men…and you, are naked. And downward dog everyone!
Inside a heavily curtained fourth-floor dance studio is a male-only class specializing in “Hot Nude Yoga,” a form of sensualized tantric yoga practiced nude.
Sweet. Where do I sign up? Where else can I have a less than sufficiently kempt asshole and dangling testicles mere inches from my face?
A few classes are coed, but male-only gatherings tend to be more popular and have become a mini-phenomenon in the gay community, with studios in Boston, San Francisco, Los Angeles and Salt Lake City. A studioless group in Chicago practices in the apartment of a nude yoga enthusiast.
Whoa whoa whoa. There are Co-ed classes? No way in hell a woman would ever sign up for a nude yoga class with other dudes’ faces hunched down behind her ass while she’s holding a pose. No way. I’m surprised women still wear skirts in public with men around, let alone do butt naked hamstring stretches in a room full of naked men.
Fans say the nudity aids in deepening their yoga practice while building a close — and emphatically nonsexual — community. “A lot of people, especially living in New York, don’t get the opportunity to connect with people in an intimate way,” said Aaron Star, who started the naked yoga movement.
What? Especially living in New York? Aaron, have you ever been to New York City? I’d say that people in solitary confinement don’t get the opportunity to connet with people in an intimate way. Unless your definition of New York is underneath an overpass in Far Rockaway, I think people have plenty of opportunities to connect in intimate ways here. I mean, the slogan of the city is “I *heart* NY”. A big fucking intimate heart smack dab in the middle.
At the small class I attended, an undeniable sexual charge hung in the room, making the exercise at times painfully weird and embarrassing. Many nude yoga classes revolve around partnering positions, a series of postures that put two men within striking distance of the other’s privates.
Ok, WTF is going on here? Nude yoga classes with partnering positions that put two men within striking distance of the other’s privates? Are you guys like scientists trying to create the perfect conditions for either a gang bang, mass rape, or a melee to break out? Because that’s what happens when you put a male sphincter in some guy’s face.
No Comments
by Commodore on February 24, 2010
Yup.
Carrie Prejean made some rumblings a few months back (that I’m sure I bitched about) when her hot little self said that gays shouldn’t be allowed to marry during a presidential deb- errr wait, no, it wasn’t that important of an arena. It was during a “pretty contest”, but whatever, that is not the point. The point is that someone in a less significant “pretty contest” said something much more firming and specific regarding her feelings towards homosexuals. So let’s talk about it.
23 year-old Miss Beverly Hills 2010 Lauren Ashley says, “The Bible says that marriage is between a man and a woman. In Leviticus it says: ‘If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.’ The Bible is pretty black and white. I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more than we do about life.”
Oh goody! Fox news thinks we should care about what a 23 year-old Beauty Queen from Beverly Hills thinks, since she represents a large demographic of the country. But honestly, is this for real? She is quoting the Old Testament for truths? That’s about as smart as asking a homeless man for his best fois gras recipe. And Leviticus of all books? You know what else Leviticus says?
Leviticus 20:9-10 God commands death for cursing out ones parents and death for adultery.
Leviticus 26:30 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shill ye eat.
Leviticus 27:28-29 God ordered and allowed human sacrifices.
So since God knows more about life than us and has the best for everyone, we have to listen to ALL His stern warnings, right Lauren? And it looks like that means that if you’ve ever sworn at your parents (even under your breath, my sweet little angel! Don’t forget, sins are “by word, thought or deed”), they can kill you and then eat you and everything should be fine and dandy.
Yay God!
*Oh and Lauren, when you’re ready to have premarital sex, call me. I can guarantee your safety from God killing you for that sin. My relationship with Him is THAT good.
No Comments
by Commodore on January 28, 2010
Ted, be like Lance and stop fighting it
Watching an evangelical Christian trying to rationalize her husband’s homosexual behavior as merely, “unwanted compulsions” makes me giggle.
Ted Haggard’s wife is standing by her man, no matter how many times he may have had homosexual affairs. Gayle Haggard appeared on the “Today” show on Wednesday to talk about her new book, “Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made In My Darkest Hour,” and declared that her one-time Evangelical superstar husband was “cured” of his homosexual compulsions.
Who on earth is going to buy this book? You stayed because you’re scientifically misinformed, you’re crazy, and he’s rich. We get it. Stop writing please.
“I felt as though, you know, we all struggle, you know, in different areas of our lives, and certainly in our sexuality, so I was willing to forgive him.”
Well Gayle, don’t let him watch Justin Timberlake’s performance of “Halleluja” from the Hope for Haiti telethon. Trust me. You don’t want your husband’s “gay” to be reignited since your relationship is doing so well. Either way, have fun being married to a homosexual for the rest of your life. Toodles!
No Comments
by Commodore on September 3, 2009
It's true
From the mountains, to the prairies, to the U.S. embassies filled with naked dude’s fondling each other… (*needle on the record scratching). I can’t seem to figure out why the Taliban doesn’t want to let freedom ring just like the good ‘ol Americans do. And by “freedom ring” I of course mean:
Private security guards at the U.S. Embassy in Kabul were pressured to participate in naked pool parties and perform sex acts to gain promotions or assignment to preferable shifts.
…land that I love….
The State Department said it was investigating the allegations and the circumstances surrounding the photographs which show naked and barely clothed men fondling one another. “They were not gay but they knew what it took to get promoted,” said the guard, spoke on condition that ABC News not publish his name.
No Mr. Guard, forcing a newly initiated guard to fondle and perhaps suck your balls doesn’t make him gay, it just sounds like you’re gay.
Still confused why a prehistorically conservative Afghanistan and the anything-goes U.S. aren’t Facebook friends yet after 8 years of courting? What Afghani wouldn’t want to embrace the American way of life where we have it so good that acting gay for fun is the new cool thing to do…from sea to shining sea.
No Comments
by Big Lou Al Timber on July 29, 2009
Looks like a pink butt-plug
I absolutely love “news” like this. A lead story on ONE man’s account of the new Cash for Clunkers program and how it affected him! Hip hip horray! Now THAT’S some news mothafuckers!
“Andrew Sable wasn’t in the market for new wheels, but he says the federal “cash for clunkers” program helped him get an offer he couldn’t refuse.”
Got it, reading on…interested….
“…aware of the program that started this month, Sable took a $4,500 federal credit this week to trade in the Jeep and buy a new, more fuel-efficient Chrysler PT Cruiser.”
I’m sorry, *cough*, you bought a what? You’re actually telling the world that you traded in your Jeep Cherokee for a brand new Chrysler PT Cruiser? Andrew, you just became the gayest man I’ve ever read about!
Elton John driving around with the top down in his Mazda Miata is less gay then your new PT Cruiser. In fact, you and your poor family should probably pack up and leave up-state New York, make a bee-line for Provincetown, Massachusetts sir.
Somebody explain to me how these cars/station wagons/wanna-be-SUV’s ever made it past quality control? I mean, these things are hideous. They look like they belong in World of Warcraft in the “I’m an elf and still live in my parents’ tree-fort” level.
So of course you’re sitting there reading this thinking, “that’s ridiculous,” “this couldn’t get any gayer,” when BAM, I hit you with this:
“Caroline Radtke, a 31-year-old who wrote about her purchase on iReport.com…Radtke and her husband this month got a $4,500 CARS credit for trading in their 2000 Isuzu Trooper (15 mpg) to buy a new Volkswagen Jetta“
A Jetta. A fucking Jetta!!! Thank god for the follow up ireport! WTF!
No Comments
![[del.icio.us]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/delicious.png)
![[Digg]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/digg.png)
![[Facebook]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/facebook.png)
![[Reddit]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/reddit.png)
![[StumbleUpon]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/stumbleupon.png)
![[Technorati]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/technorati.png)
![[Twitter]](http://www.browtf.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/twitter.png)
