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Florida

Biggest Sore Loser, Ever

by Commodore on August 23, 2010

It was probably like this

When I was young, if my brother was about to beat me at a game that we were playing, I would quit and say, “You didn’t win, I quit first.” I still can’t stand it when I lose at anything. I am a horrific sore loser, but at least I’m not like this guy. I have skin thicker than Nelson Mandela when compared to this guy.

City police charged a 25-year-old Fort Pierce man with four counts of aggravated assault with a motor vehicle and one count of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon — all charges without intent to kill — after he allegedly tried to run down four people with a pickup truck and pointed a rifle at the head of one.

My gosh! What could have set this guy off? Did someone kidnap his daughter? Did someone kill his wife? Did someone take his grilled stuffed burrito?

According to the arrest report, Erick Lee Blanton was visiting a home in the 400 block of Sunrise Drive early Sunday morning when he challenged another man to an arm wrestling contest and lost. The winner of the match told officers that Blanton then became upset.

Upset. It’s like the time in Mission: Impossible when Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) just saw his whole team get killed and Kittrich said, “Hunt, I can understand you’re very upset.” What Kittrich didn’t know -but Hunt was quick to inform him – was that Kittrich had never really seen Hunt very upset.

Blanton left the house, got in a red pickup and allegedly drove it across the lawn, over a mailbox and tried to hit bystanders. Witnesses told police Blanton also put the barrel of a rifle against the forehead of his erstwhile arm wrestling opponent.

You see, everyone probably thought that Erick was pretty upset when he stormed off the porch but the thing was, no one had ever seen Erick Lee Blanton get upset before.

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Does Everyone REALLY Deserve To Live?

by Commodore on February 4, 2010

Clear as day

Can’t we just do away with a few people here and there to weed out the sludge? Populations can’t keep growing forever. At some point, some people are gonna have to go. Let’s start with…her.

A 51-year-old Crestview woman who had been warned about calling 911 for non-emergency reasons was arrested Jan. 26 after the fourth call in 90 minutes. She was calling to report that her husband had taken her cell phone and would not return it, according to her arrest report.

You read that correctly. She wasn’t 15. She was 51, with a presumably fully developed brain. Talk about bad problem solving skills. That would be like calling in a demolition specialist, a quarry digging company, and an excavator to plant some tomatoes in your garden.

When an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office deputy went to their home after the third call, he attempted to call the number for the phone that had been reported as stolen. He heard it ringing in the room, he wrote in his report. At that time, deputies told her not to call again about the phone.

She never bothered to actually call her own cell phone. That should be ground for a public execution for wasting the police’s time.

After she called again, she was arrested for abusing the 911 system. When she was searched prior to being placed in the patrol car, the phone was located in her jacket pocket.

Ready. Aim. Fire.

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For The Price Of 2 Drinks In A NYC Club

by Commodore on December 29, 2009

Come on, people

You could have your very own baby! Not a Japanese toy baby that cries, shits itself and keep you up all night, I’m talking a real live baby.

A couple was charged Friday with trying to sell their 2-month-old baby for $30 in a store parking lot, authorities said.

Even Sam’s Club would take that back for more money, even without a receipt. $30? How strapped for cash and how short sighted are you that you would sell your flesh and blood for a KFC party pack?

Robert G. Ellingson, 23, approached two people in the PetSmart parking lot and offered them a beer. When they refused, he offered to sell his child, Escambia County Sheriff’s officials said.

That’s an interesting raise on the ante.

- Hey, you wanna rent a movie?
- No, I’m kind of busy.
- You wanna build a space rocket instead?

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What Seems To Be The Problem Officer?

by Commodore on November 8, 2009

This is when it would be fun.

I think being a cop would be fun sometimes. Not the times when you’re getting shot at by gang bangers or having everyone call you a pig when you’re in their vicinity, but times like this one.

A woman was caught driving Thursday evening with a half bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila by her side, sliced limes on the console — and two children as passengers.

Sliced limes on the console? How on earth would you not put the limes away in the time you had from getting pulled over to when the cop came up to the door? Oh these? I’m just making sun0-dried limes for homemade salsa. Do we think that she sliced the limes before she started driving or while she was driving? I can’t decide. I’ve been thinking about it for way too long… The story gets better.

Genoveva Amacenda-Velona, 30, of Dade City is charged with aggravated child neglect, DUI (BAC of 0.233), not having a valid driver’s license and not having a motor vehicle registration.

Ah yes, the old, “Driving drunk without a license in an unregistered car with children in the back seat while actively slinging mixed drinks” maneuver. My favorite.

Amacenda-Velona did not speak English but, through an interpreter, told deputies she only had three or four beers at a friend’s house,

Oh ok. Thanks for clearing that up. Your story seems rock solid.

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Maybe They Were Playing Hide and Seek

by Commodore on November 5, 2009

The previous 7 months.

If you didn’t want the kid, why have the kid? Is this THAT philosphical of a question? It still seems like people are having kids and then look at each other and go, “Shit, this is a lot of work.” So much work that this alternative decision seemed like a good idea.

A 7-month old baby, Shannon Dedrick, missing for five days was found alive and well under in a box tucked under her baby sitter’s bed.

A good a place as any to hide a baby that you don’t want. Was the underside of this babysitter’s bed like the door to Narnia? Was this baby just going to disappear? What kind of decision making was this?!

Court documents released Wednesday showed that child welfare workers in Florida began looking into allegations Shannon was being abused less than two weeks after she was born.

Here..yup. Just sign right here…Go ahead. It’s the petition to demand that would-be parents have to be psychologically evaluated to reproduce…Whoa. One signature only.

Her parents reported her missing around 11 a.m. Saturday. They told authorities that they had not seen her since about 3 a.m.

Yeah I would given it 8 hours too. Because sometimes 7 month old babies tend to just need their space from time to time. The story gets even more nonsensical and twisted. All of which just angers me to talk about it and since the Yanks won last night, I am gonna stay on my baseball high and let you read the rest of the story.

WTF Commodre?

WTF to you too.

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An American Tragedy

by Commodore on October 5, 2009

Oh, the horrors!

Two crusie ships collided the other day. Well it wasn’t really a collision like you sick bastards were hoping for. I know you were hoping for meteor-like mayhem. One bumped into another one while it was parked in port. In itself, this is usually enough ammunition for a WTF rant but surprisingly, that is not what made my brain explode this morning. It was in the news because Americans were onboard and had to “suffer” through it.

Kelly Blakeney was aboard Carnival Legend and says, “Next thing I know they hit each other and I was like we hit the other ship!”

Wow Kelly. Your words really recreate the scene for us people who weren’t there. I wouldn’t know how to picture it otherwise.

Tim Fenton was aboard Royal Caribbean’s Enchantment of the Seas and says, “We were in our cabin and the boat kind of rocked, we heard a noise and when I went out. Stuff was falling in our shower.”

All over your shower? How did you survive?! Tim, I’m sure people on the Titanic would a) feel bad for you and b) agree with your definition of the word, “rocked”.

Anna Fenton, who was with him, adds “I was getting stuff out of the closet and I thought I was going to fall in.”

The closet on your cruise ship. Hey Indonesia, is that what it feels like when a 8.1 magnitude earthquake hits? Do you feel like you might fall in your closet or do you feel like the house just fell on you because it did?

Ayesha Albe, says “It was really windy. It got really stormy. All of a sudden the weather changed.”

Thanks for your seafaring information, Copernicus.

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Sometimes You Should Let Things Slide

by Commodore on September 28, 2009

I love this photo

Recently, I went to a Kings of Leon concert and after the show I was drunk with some friends playing frisbee in the parking lot (frisbee is not gay). An errant throw ended up hitting another gentlemen – whom we didn’t know – in the foot. This man then wanted to fight us. Like put up your dukes, we are going to punch each other in the face now, kind of fighting. People like this need take a few breaths at times of drunk territorial battles and just let some things slide because it’s just not worth it. (That and I don’t want to get punched in the face.) This guy should learn that too.

Officials say a man was airlifted to a central Florida hospital for treatment after he was severely burned during a fight over beer, cigarettes and money. Chitwood said that during the scuffle, 42-year-old John Harper dragged Fultz into a wooded area, poured gasoline on his face and lit a fire.

That’s one way to handle things. Of course, this was Daytona Beach where class and chivalry are about as present as cashmere sweaters at a Masai tribe dinner party. What kind of an upbringing does someone need to decide to ignite gasoline on someone’s face over cigarettes and beer? I found my wife cheating on me once and all I did was punch the guy really hard in the arm…and then I ran outside crying.

I bet that SOB’s arm hurt for days though.

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The Mother Of All Heists

by Commodore on August 28, 2009

Almost as impressive as this

Sometimes a heist gets so big and complex that you need three people just to conceive of it and make sense of it all. I imagine putting this heist together was like proposing string theory for the the first time. But as you will see, the problem with a heist of this complexity is that things can go haywire at any minute.

Gainesville Police Department spokesman Lt. Keith Kameg says three men approached a 17-year-old Monday and demanded $5. When the teen could only produce 75 cents, one of the men punched him in the mouth.

That’s one way to handle a snag during the operation.

Police have arrested 18-year-old Darrell Butler, 19-year-old Frazier Mack and 18-year-old Mazavious Ross. They face charges of robbery and conspiracy. Bond for Butler and Mack was set at $40,000. Ross’ was set at $100,000.

Frazier Mack? Mazavious Ross? Were these characters in a Tarantino movie or something? Mazavious’s bond was set 20,000 times greater than the amount of money he was originally seeking. By this rationale, if he tried to rob a bank of $1,000,000, but only got offered $150,000, he would punch that person in the face and be in jail on a $20 billion bond. Seems about right.

Kameg did not know if the group already had attorneys. He said authorities believe the suspects were members of a gang.

Lt. Kameg, let me help out your investigation here. They don’t have lawyers. These three guys just tried to rob someone for a total of 5 U.S. dollars, without knowing if this person had $5 on him. I’m guessing that they don’t have paid legal representation on speed dial. You can go back to focusing on the Gators football season now.

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Pastor, The Penis Clouds The Brain. FYI

by Commodore on August 27, 2009

Make sure to double check these things when the man downstairs is leading the way.

I think it would be fun to be a police officer sometimes (not the times you are actually getting shot at or generally putting yourself in harms way to “serve and protect”, obviously). I’m referring to times like these.

According to Hillsborough Sheriff’s deputies, Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform pastor Wikler Moran-Mora sent his wife a text message saying that he had been kidnapped, but that she should not panic. He later sent several more texts where he claimed that he was negotiating his release, which was when she called the police.

Wikler, when your last name is so close to calling you a moron…twice, you have to be extra careful, especialy when you’re thinking with your penis. Now, I realize that you live in Florida and that the “IQ jet stream” tends to stay a bit north of you guys but, seriously? You couldn’t think of a better alibi? Stuck in traffic? Accident on the road? Flat tire? Running errands? Going to Pink Berry? Making a house call for one of your parishoners in need? Nope. You chose, “I was kidnapped.” When you lie, the goal is for the other person to then not any more questions regarding the statement you just lied about.

As a general rule, if you tell your spouse via text message that you have been kidnapped, I don’t think she is just going to continue pruning the bushes, unconcerned about your wherabouts.

More than a dozen Hillsborough deputies were involved in the search for the pastor, who was eventually located by tracing his cell phone. When deputies found him, Moran-Mora allegedly admitted that he had concocted the kidnapping story to spend time with the woman who was in his presence when he was found.

Father, you must not have seen Enemy of the State, Eagle Eye, Man on Fire, Gone Baby Gone, or Silence of the Lambs. After you move into your new studio apartment, put them atop your Netflix queue. You’ll learn a lot about modern technology in some and general police work in response to kidnapping in the others. It’s fascinating.

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Don’t F With Florida

by Big Lou Al Timber on August 25, 2009

you wan sum?

WATCH THIS RIGHT NOW

Plain and simple. Don’t Fuck with Floridians, especially irate ones weilding a shovel.

“A WESH 2 News crew came under attack on Monday while investigating a story about two teenagers who were reportedly working at a strip club in Brevard County.”

Of course.

“A videotape recorded during the incident showed the grandmother charging the photographer with a garden hoe. One swing landed squarely on the camera.”

DAMN!!

Nobody was hurt in the incident, according to Police, and unfortunately nobody found the two little underage ho’s that had been swinging their virgin tits at the local strip club. And that is what really gets me down. I mean, I love a good “grandma fucks shit up with a shovel” video, but how much cooler is it when a news crew interviews underage strippers in a Florida shack? Way cooler if you ask me.

WTF!