Everybody Hurts

He Knows Andre

10, Good Vibrations by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

Reason: This one would be especially humiliating; you would be getting raped to the one hit wonder coming from the sibling of a New Kid On The Block. Additionally there is quite a nice bit of irony involved since a ripped anus would not count as a “good vibration”

Worst Lyric: I’m a get mine so get yours. I wanna see sweat comin out your pores (and blood comin out your rectum)

9. Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.

Reason: Everyone hates R.E.M. to begin with, to have it as the soundtrack to the defining moment of your incarcerated life could be worse than the rape itself (but probably not)

Worst Lyric: Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it’s time to sing along. When your day is night alone, hold on, hold on. (Hold on all you want, not gonna change a god damn thing)

8. Take My Breath Away by Berlin

Reason: Iconic moment, Kelly McGillis and Tom Cruise locked in loves sweet embrace as the Russian MiG’s become, at least for a moment, a distant memory. This will be the opposite of Andre’s 9-inch cock (from here out the name of the rapist) that I would imagine would slow itself down to the rhythm of this slow jam.

Worst Lyric: Watching every motion in my foolish lover’s game. On this endless ocean finally lovers know no shame. Turning and returning to some secret place inside (Well one of you knows shame, and it ain’t gonna be Andre)

7. Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady by The Commodores

Reason: You know it’s going to be a long night, just pray Andre smuggled some Crisco out of the kitchen.

Worst Lyric: To touch you to hold you. To feel you to need you. There’s nothing to keep us apart (Mainly because of the raw power Andre possesses, just savage)

6. Feel like a Woman by Shania Twain

Reason: Because there is nothing more manly than your prostate being forcefully engulfed with Andre’s love juice as you wonder if you will ever have any control over your sphincter again. This song just adds insult to injury, pun intended.

Worst Lyric: Gonna let it all hang out. Wanna make some noise-really raise my voice. Yeah, I wanna scream and shout. No inhibitions-make no conditions. Get a little outta line. (I would say that’s more than a little out of line)

5. Your Tearin Up My Heart by N Sync

Reason: Two things, first no matter how bad you want to make fun of Andre for having a N Sync album, you are in no position, second, every time the line “Your tearin up my heart” is played Andre will most certainly make you scream “Brown Eye” over the word “Heart” as to make the song topically appropriate.

Worst Lyric: I am down on my knees  I can’t take it anymore (I didn’t’ make that up, it’s really in the song)

4. Love Hurts by Nazareth

Reason: Have you listened to this song? I can imagine Andre setting up his video camera just before he puts this song on, giggling to himself for his witty choice, and then opening up your butt hole like a can of baked beans.

Worst Lyric: Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and marks (your butt hole)

3. Hurt by Nine Inch Nails (performed by Johnny Cash)

Reason: Andre clearly has a thing for slow jams and savors the nuances of the situation. This song is slow, and makes me want to cut myself whenever I hear it, no matter the situation. Hearing while having your cherry popped (by cherry I mean sphincter muscles) would be enough to become more catatonic than the people who saw Samara and lived in The Ring.

Worst Lyric: I will make you hurt (and that’s a promise)

2. You Are Not Alone by Michael Jackson

Reason: Because you are not alone in this particular circumstance. In fact you wont be alone for a while. First you have Andre to keep you company, then his friends, then the prison guards, then shame, then Andre again, and finally the Medics. Stay out of jail kids!

Worst Lyric: Just the other night, I thought I heard you cry. Asking me to come and hold you in my arms. You are not alone; I am here with you (I believe the crying part, asking to be held though? No chance)

1. We’ve Only Just Begun by The Carpenters

Reason: This is the song that made me think up this list. Karen Carpenters voice is hauntingly beautiful. It would be the most terrifying precursor ever. I would imagine that Andre might first play this song after he knocked out your teeth and made you blow him. Then putting it on repeat as you try realize that you secretly like it, wait what?

Worst Lyric: We’ll find a place where there’s room to grow, and yes, we’ve just begun. (Seriously, do whatever it takes to NEVER go to jail, ever)

Honorable Mention

I Love You (Barney)
Feel Like Makin Love (Bad Company)
I’m Gonna Knock You Out (L.L. Cool J)
Bitch (Meredith Brooks)
All I Wanna Do Is Be With You (Mr. Big)
Killing In The Name Of (Rage Against The Machine)
Back Dat Ass Up (Juvenile)
Unforgettable (Natalie Cole)
What A Man (Salt N Peppa)
I’m Fuckin You Tonight (R. Kelly and B.I.G.)
Keep On Lovin You (REO Speedwagon)
You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling (The Righteous Brothers)
Enter Sandman (Metallica)
Jailhouse Rock (Elvis)
I’ll Make Love To You (Boys 2 Men)
Natural Woman (Aretha Franklin)
I Wanna Sex You Up (Color Me Bad)
Hello (Lionel Richie)
I Want It That Way (Backstreet Boys)
I Got A Man (Special K)
I’m Too Sexy (Right Said Fred)
Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton)
Like A Virgin (Madonna)
Strangers In The Night (Frank Sinatra)
Eye Of The Tiger (Survivor)
All I Need (Jack Wagner)
Closer (Nine Inch Nails)
My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion)
I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight (Cutting Crew)
That’s Amore (Dean Martin)
Black Hole Sun (Soundgarden)
You’re Always A Woman To Me (Billy Joel)
Rape Me (Nirvana)
Best I Ever Had (Drake)
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go (Wham)
Touch Me (The Doors)
Bed Of Roses (Bon Jovi)
Rock You Like A Hurricane (The Scorpions)
Talk Dirty To Me (Poison)
Anything For Love (Meatloaf)
Milkshake (Kelis)
I’m Yours (Jason Mraz)
Banana Pancakes (Jack Johnson)
Sexyback (Justin Timberlake)