by Commodore on August 31, 2010
Yeah, drinking is fun isn't it?
That title is not a metaphor for intoxicated men looking for sex. There seriously are drunk baboons running rampant in South Africa.
Each day, dozens of Cape Baboons gather to strip the ancient vines – the sauvignon blanc grapes are a particular favourite – and head into town. Last week, a 12 year old boy was left traumatised after confronting a troop who had broken into his family home. Hearing noises from the kitchen, he went to investigate and found the beasts ransacking cupboards. When the child fled upstairs to find his babysitter, three males gave chase and surrounded him as he made a tearful phone call to his mother, while the animals pelted him with fruit.
Surrounded him and pelted him with fruit! The monkeys didn’t physically attack him, they just made him their bitch.
Chickens, geese, peacocks and even a Great Dane dog have been killed in recent weeks by the marauding baboons – the males have huge and terrifying canine teeth. Roof tiles, electric fences, orchards and vegetables gardens have been trashed. “Lunch parties in the garden are now just impossible,” a homeowner complained. “It is so unrelaxing. Rather than chatting over our meal, we are looking over our shoulders and bolting the food as quickly as we can before it is stolen. We can’t even leave a window open in summer. We are under siege.”
Holy crap! It’s like the real-life equivalent of the white bunny rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hollywood, someone please start writing this horror-comedy ASAP. Simon Pegg is available to act in it. This will be so much better than Black Sheep. (This Black Sheep)
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by Commodore on August 4, 2010
Anyone got a toe?
We’ve all had the I’ve been so drunk I… moments in life. Each one seems more ridiculous than the next. Personally I’ve been so drunk that I hooked up with a 40+ year old woman who resembled Alf, I’ve been beaten up and thrown in a Mexican jail, and I’ve been woken up on a sidewalk in Madrid by a man holding a knife to my throat. But never ever have I ever have I been do drunk that I remained passed out when a dog gnawed off a body part of mine. This guy did.
Kiko smelled an infection in his owner’s right big toe and set about “amputating” it. Which in doggie terms, of course, means he ate it. All the while, Kiko’s owner, Jerry Douthett of Rockford, Mich., lay passed-out drunk in his bed.
Passed out drunk? After drinking what, kerosene and cokes?
Douthett awoke to find a bloody stump where his big toe used to be, and he and his wife rushed to Spectrum Health in Grand Rapids, Mich. There, they discovered Douthett actually had type 2 diabetes and was suffering from a dangerous infection in his big toe.
He was also labeled a heavy sleeper. WTF.
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by Commodore on May 4, 2010
A normal prank
Guys get drunk. Guys do stupid things. Sadly, these two events are not mutually exclusive. Like a nuclear reaction, their presence around each other cause things to propogate out of hand. This is a decent example of when “men + drinking” goes bad.
A chef, was reportedly taken to a Sichuan hospital complaining of abdominal pain, dehydration and a great deal of anal bleeding.
Never a great start to a “So there I was…” story.
Doctors were mystified as to the cause, and obtained permission from his family to undertake an exploratory laparotomy. Cutting open his innards, they discovered a 50cm long Asian swamp eel lodged in his rectum. Though dead, the eel had apparently already wrought havoc on his innards, biting its way through his intestines prior to dying. Internal bleeding and infection rapidly set in. He was reported to have eaten a lot of eel the previous day, but otherwise doctors had no idea how the creature had got there. His condition quickly worsened. He lingered for 10 days in intensive care but eventually succumbed to the injuries and sepsis.
That sound you just heard wasJesus Christ, Joan of Arc and William Wallace saying, “Damn. That sucks.”
The likely cause was eventually established – he had apparently been drinking with friends, and had passed out. His friends had decided it would be amusing to insert a live eel into his anus whilst he was comatose.
That’s right. They thought it would be amusing to shove a live eel up his asshole that then ate his insides. Ha fucking ha, boys.
New rule, anytime a drunk guy says, “I got an idea”, people are allowed to punch him in the face.
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by Commodore on May 3, 2010
Yup. This could go to court
People in the U.S. know that you can pretty much sue for anything. Pretty much anything has now become, most certainly everything after reading this.
A woman who fell through the window of a Lake View salon when she lost her footing trying to kick her husband is suing the salon, as well as a hospital that treated her — claiming an employee stole her jewelry and Blackberry. Melanie Shaker suffered “severe injuries,” including deep cuts to her upper arm, back and feet, according to the suit. The suit claims the salon’s plate glass window, located on a sidewalk “frequently traveled by intoxicated pedestrians,” is in violation of the City of Chicago’s building code.
That’s right. The woman who was drunk and tried to kick her husband is suing because there happened to be elements in their solid state near her. How dare a store put up a window in front of its merchandise!
Shaker claims the defendants failed to replace the window with safety glass, which would “prevent injuries from those coming into contact with it, including pedestrians, intoxicated pedestrians [or] pedestrians on their way to or from a Cubs game” who may fall inadvertently trip and fall into the window, the suit said.
Man, that sounds airtight! Case closed! I also want to file a suit against you, Melanie. It reads, “Commodore claims that the defendant failed to put a muzzle on her mouth which would have prevented headaches from those coming into contact with her spoken words of idiocy, including humans, intoxicated humans or humans on their way to or from anywhere at all, who may pick up a newspaper and inadvertently read her article.”
Why couldn’t a piece of sharded glass do to her what the glass did to Patrick Swaze’s nemesis in Ghost?
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by Commodore on April 23, 2010
Not a penis
I think we all had a good idea about this fact but finally a story that pens the last words of this oft-talked about topic. Sigh.
A man accused of weighing his penis on scales in the fruit and veg section of a Scotmid store walked free from court today after being found not guilty of public indecency.
Like a man would ever do something of the sort! We don’t just go putting our penises in places where there could be unknown germs, just for the fun of it. Geez!
Shop assistant Melanie Guglielmino, 31, told Sheriff Neil Mackinnon that she had been “really shocked” when she came to the fruit and veg section and saw two men standing at the scales. James Jones, she said, told her: “We are just having our privates weighed”. Asked what she actually saw, she replied: “He had something on the scales. I didn’t see it properly. It looked like a penis”.
Oh that’s interesting, ma’am. You say it LOOKED like a penis just because two weird dudes were huddling over a fruit scale saying, “We are just having our privates weighed.” Don’t you think that’s a bit presemptuous? Do you think if they told you that they thought you were beautiful you would just as easy believe that fact! I bet if they told you to jump off a bridge, you’d do it to. Unbelievable.
“He put something back in his trousers and it didn’t look particularly nice”.
Amazing. A man can’t shop for red thumb potatoes and shove them in his pants without being accused of whipping his penis out.
Defence solicitor, Chris Fehilly said: “You didn’t see a penis at any point” and she replied: “There was one, yes”. Later when asked by Fiscal Depute, James O’Reilly, if she could have been mistaken about seeing a penis, she said: “I could have been, although there was something there. It could have been a hand. Maybe it was”.
Maybe it was madam, maybe it was. The End. Ladies, you can stop reading now and go back to your lying ways. You’ve done enough damage.
The store manager Agnes Fagan, 46, said she had been watching CCTV footage following a shoplifting incident when she saw “two men mucking about. It looked like they put their penises on the scales for fruit and veg. They were giggling and laughing”. The men were standing on a foot stool so that their zip areas were level with the scales. Jones said: “I was there. I can remember standing on a stool, but I can’t remember anything else”. He admitted to being drunk.
Drunk and shopping for red thumb potatoes to stick in his pants. Is that a crime?
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by Commodore on March 17, 2010
Nope! Good guess though
In the animal kingdom, parents as irresponsible as this would see their offspring nabbed up by any number of possible predators which would in fact, send the parents a message of how to not to undertake certain parental methods. But we are human and we comparatively live in a protected Biodome when it comes to predators.
A Kentucky man high on marijuana and drunk on whiskey put his 5-week-old son in the oven Sunday and left him there overnight, police said. The oven door was slightly ajar, and the oven was not turned on. After smoking marijuana at the restaurant where he works as a cook, Larry Long, 33, returned home to share a fifth of whiskey with the baby’s mother, Brandy Hatton, McCracken County Sheriff Jon Hayden said in a statement.
The Dodo Bird used to act this wreckless in the face of no perdatorial threats, but then we showed up and brought the hammer…literally. It’s only a matter of time for people like Larry Long and Brandy Hatton of McCracken County. I couldn’t have made up fake names better than that.
In the spirit of the Census that is being passed around, can we have an “Are You Ready To Be A Parent” questionnaire attached to it to? We can have such questions as:
Future dads, when you’re drunk and high, is it a good idea to put your baby in the oven?*
*Note: By “baby” we do not mean your penis and by “in the oven” we do not mean your wife’s vagina.
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by Commodore on December 9, 2009
Awwww, look how cozy he is!
Gollee! I’ve woken up in hospitals and Mexican prisons on nights that I have blacked out but I’ve always returned home with limbs intact. A black eye here, a scar there, sure? But all 206 bones came with me. I just learned that this does not always happen.
A western Pennsylvania woman who drank herself unconscious celebrating her 20th birthday says a hospital didn’t properly treat her, resulting in partial amputations of both of her legs.
That sentence is like this one, “Once upon a time, the end happened.” Some filler would be a nice accompaniment to the black out/amputation bookends.
Shanna Hiles’ medical malpractice suit against Uniontown Hospital and one of its emergency physicians says she passed out while sitting on the floor with her legs tucked under her in May. Hiles was in that position for more than 12 hours, and she claims hospital officials didn’t properly diagnose her condition and work to restore circulation to her legs. Instead, Hiles claims she was transferred to a Pittsburgh hospital several hours later where both legs were amputated at the knee.
12 hours? I’m sorry, part of me thinks that you bring whatever it is that happens to you on yourself, if you’re so drunk that you can sleep for 12 hours in a seated position with your legs tucked under you. A hibernating bear would wake up if he were propped in that position.
But hang on a second here. How is someone left for 12 hours untouched in a hospital? You couldn’t sit on a beach for 12 hours before some random person checked on you. She couldn’t have looked comfortable! …passed out on the floor with her legs tucked under her. That’s the position people lie in when they’ve been hit in the back of the head by a sniper. WTF!
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by Uncle Awesome on August 26, 2009
Hmmm, was he in New Mexico?
New Mexico police said a man was arrested on Monday for his 22nd drunken driving offense—and his blood-alcohol content tested a .393 almost 5 times higher than the legal limit of .08.
I don’t know what to deal with first here. 22 drunken driving arrests? Is this Deadwood in the 1800’s? How is this person still out on the streets? If he even ran over a puppy how would New Mexico justify it the family? “Yeah, we were really gonna throw the book at him on his 25th DUI” Secondly, a .393? Andre the Giant would be shocked at this number. How is this guy not dead? Maybe he is the guy that Bruce Willis’s character from Unbreakable was based on. Yeah, I bet he’s like a super hero, only instead of any real powers he can get more shitfaced than any human being on the planet.
“He was coherent,” Lt. Eric Garcia said. “He showed signs of slurred speech, as might be normal for any DWI arrest, which led the officer to believe he might be driving under the influence.”
He was five times the legal limit and he was “coherent”? Seriously, don’t piss this guy off; there is a 50% chance that he’s a minion of God here to watch over us, more powerful than we could possibly imagine.
P.S. When did New Mexico get cars, cops, electricity and the written language?
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by Uncle Awesome on April 23, 2009
Even I wouldn't have done that!
I am at a loss.
The chief of the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary said Wednesday the force will apologize to an autistic teenager who was picked up and detained in a lockup because officers assumed he was drunk.
This would be like arresting Corky (see above photo) for blowing lines of cocaine while he’s holding a Costco size box of Pixie Stix. This would be like arresting Helen Keller for peeping in someone’s window while making threatening slurs. This would be like arresting Anne Frank for harassing the Nazis
I imagine the conversation between the officer and Dane Spurrell (Rain Man) went something like this:
Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?
Rain Man: I LIKE CAKE!
Officer: Shit, this guy is gonna be trouble: SIR; how many fingers am I holding up?
Rain Man: 4 which is the square root of 16 which is the square root of 256 which is the square root of 65,553, I LIKE CAKE!
Officer: Man this guy is drunker than a moose in a hockey rink full of Labatt’s: Put your hands on the car now asshole!
Rain Man: Do you know what I like more than cake? TETRIS!!
Officer: Be cool Todd, they trained you for this at Mounty school: You’re under arrest mother fucker!
Rain Man: flashing lights, flashing lights, flashing lights, flashing lights
fin
Canada, you may have us on healthcare, but now I think it’s because all your doctors assume that anyone who is retarded or autistic is just wasted. WTF!
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