Didn’t Move

No, No. Don't get up!

Believe me when I say that I would rather spend 8 months in a prison that sat at the discharge of a sewage plant than spend 8 months in this house. I guarantee. In fact, I’ll split it and double down.

When an ambulance brought Daniel Webb home from the hospital after he hurt his knee in March, paramedics warned the then 550-pound man he probably wouldn’t be able to get up from his recliner if they put him there, his wife said. Webb told them to leave him there anyway. He would sit in that recliner, slowly dying, for the next eight months. Finally, paramedics were called back to his Greenwood home on Wednesday because he was in a lot of pain.

What do you mean “sit there”? He must have gotten up to go to the bathroom and such, right?

Webb’s body was physically stuck to the power recliner and firefighters had to cut him from the chair to take him to the hospital. Not only did crews have to cut apart the chair, but they had to cut a hole in the wall of the couple’s mobile home.

I bet that was a pretty sight. Let me guess, the chair didn’t smell like a spring breeze.

His body covered with sores and a “very bad odor,” according to a police report. He slept and used the bathroom in his chair and his wife cleaned it every day.

Whoa whoa whoa. I know a logic statement when I see one, and this one fails. If man sits in seat and never gets up but still presumably has to shit, there is no way the wife can “clean” the chair everyday. Was she “cleaning” the shit that eventually oozed out of the crevices of the chair? Oh good God.

The former preacher would post sermons online from the chair, and it wasn’t long before he decided he was ready to go home to the Lord, she said.

I don’t know if the Lord builds houses to fit 800 pound people. You might need to check with the house rules. He’s got a lot of people up there. I wouldn’t be surprised if some areas of heaven looked like Brazilian favelas, by now. How is this guy gonna move around up there in a favela? Impossible.

In all seriousness, the saddest part of this whole thing is that they kept feeding this dude as he sat, molded to a chair, shitting himself, saying “It’s in God’s hands now.” How do you feel today honey? More tightly snug? Here, eat this! Maybe your growing body will squeeze more excrement out of the cushions so I can mop it up. Praise the Lord!

The animal kingdom is much more efficient at death than we are. We have no clue how to die.