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Denver

What’s More Severe Than “Red Handed”?

by Commodore on October 21, 2010

Not severe enough

We’ve all had our hands in the cookie jar.  We’ve all been caught in the act of doing something we shouldn’t have been doing.  At that moment most people sag their shoulders and admit defeat (although to this day, Shaggy still asserts that it wasn’t him).  However, this guy couldn’t be more effed if he was caught on tape by slo-mo Hi Def cameras.

Ralph Landers, 43, of Denver was sentenced to 16 1/2 years in federal prison this week after pleading guilty to possession of child pornography, identity theft, fraud and other charges.

Whoa buddy!  Did you hire a lawyer?  You can fight this!  Why did you plead guilty?

He was arrested after postal inspectors arranged the delivery of an order for child pornography to a post office box Landers had rented.  When he was pulled over after making the pickup, inspectors found a pistol, laptop computer and computer files in his vehicle.

Ok, ok.  I admit, it doesn’t look good for you.  But maybe it was someone else’s car and you didn’t know what was in it.  There wasn’t anything else in the car, was there?  … Was there?

“They also found a red tool case containing women’s underwear, a grappling hook, binoculars, an expandable baton, an extensive collection of lock picks, glow sticks, duct tape, a stun gun, zip ties, a head lamp, leg cuffs and handcuffs, several condoms, and a case containing syringes and pills,” according to the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Denver, which prosecuted the case.

Jesus Christ!  Sir, WTF is wrong with you?!  Fucking James Bondage here.  Call him  Trouble-07, aka “Nothing with stubble- or over 7″.  I can’t believe this guy only gets 16.5 years.  Crimes like this should get you tied to the top of a rocket and shot into space.  Have fun with the Grim Reaper and his angels of death when that day comes, Ralph.

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Could You Be More Racist?!

by Commodore on September 16, 2009

American Wisdom

American Wisdom

The U.S. Forest Service has apologized for suggesting that campers who eat tortillas, drink Tecate beer and play Spanish music may be armed marijuana growers, calling it “regrettable” and “insensitive.”

Go ahead.  Read that sentence again and then let it sink in.  That was the U.S. Forest Service.  The statement was so excessively racist that they overshot the word Hispanic and went right to Spanish.  I don’t think there has ever been a situation in human history where someone was eating a burrito, drinking Tecate and listening to Flamenco music.

Forest Service officials apologized to Colorado Hispanic leaders in a meeting two weeks ago and released a written apology this week.  The written apology by Rocky Mountain Regional Forester Rick Cables says the agency “learned some valuable lessons.”

Some valuable lessons, Rick?  Is the U.S. Forest Service staffed by 3-year-old children who at lunchtime, throw rocks at the dark skinned colleague because he looks different?  WTF!

He says the agency will establish a forum for more discussions about how to engage with Hispanics.

What?  ENGAGE THEM LIKE HUMAN BEINGS.  They are not prawns from District 9!!

“It was obvious the staff did not have the cultural awareness they need. Federal employees don’t often have the opportunity to be engaged in activities outside the home,” Polly Bacca said.

WTF!!  Read that again.  They often don’t have the opportunity to be engaged in activities outside the home?!  What in the hell does that mean?  Most federal employees grow up locked up in their own home in solitary confinement?  That’s your answer?  Jeez.  This worries me if most federal employees haven’t had any experience outside of their house.  I hope we don’t overreact one day and invade the wrong country because of our complete arrogance in trying to understand a global/cultural situation.

Listen here Polly Baca, this is the United States of fucking America!   The melting pot of the world.  Where you can do and be anything you want.  Where Verizon says that I can be anywhere at anytime and talk to anyone on the planet.  Your excuse is embarrassing.  You make it sound like living in The United States is all of a sudden like being a woman living in Kabul.  And you wonder why the world hates us ignorant Americans?

She said she and other Hispanic leaders received a number of messages from across the country expressing concern, along with some hate mail criticizing Hispanics.

Along with some hate mail.  Of course they did.  God Bless America.

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When NOT To Brag

by Commodore on May 15, 2009

Loose lips sink necropheliacs

Loose lips sink necropheliacs

So you’re an 18- year-old boy and you just had sex?  Broadcast that to all your friends from the mountain tops and receive your accolades!  She was 13?  Wellllll I would be careful who you share that information with because that could come back and bite y-You killed the 13 year old girl and fucked her until her body was cold?  Yeah…you might want to keep that on the full DL.  WTF!

According to testimony in Pacheco’s preliminary hearing, he told a friend he strangled Shannon “until her eyes rolled back in her head.” He then stabbed her in the throat multiple times to make sure she was dead.

Dude.

Pacheco may have tried moving it with a sled to better hide it and also debated putting in a barrel filled with soda and bleach in the hopes it would eat away at the body. He said he could smash the teeth and spread them over Colorado so police couldn’t identify the remains through dental records.

When I was 18, I had a party and some friends of mine brought beer over but we had no idea how we were going to cover up our deed until I came up with the grandest “fool proof” plan of all.  To hide all evidence, we threw our bottles in the woods (Littering is totally illegal, by the way).  We were so badass.  My parents were never going to identify the glass remains…until they did.  We apparently forgot to throw some of the bottles in the woods.  Point is, I can totally relate to the 18 year-old mind of a murdering necropheliac. 

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