Contract

Psst. William..I know who killed your wife

There is a time and a place for vigilante justice. The time is now, the place is wherever the hell Graydon Smith is right now.

A violent boyfriend forced his pregnant girlfriend to sign an ‘abuse contract’ allowing him to beat her whenever he wanted. Under the terms of the contract Graydon Smith,31, was allowed to punch, kick and throttle his 19 year old girlfriend. His only restriction was that he wasn’t allowed to punch her stomach.

Oh, not in the stomach? What a Renaissance man! Yes, we here at Browtf may make jokes about idiots, fat people and of course the state that houses all of them, Texas, but we try to back everything we say with at least a sprinkle of logic. And today, that logic says that some should reassemble William Wallace, animate him back to life and then convince him that Graydon Smith killed his (William’s) wife.

Unlike Graden’s “no stomach” rules for his girlfriend, William Wallace will be allowed to disembowel him. Someone put in a call to some archeologists, cryogenics specialists, and Aubrey de Gray so we can get started. We can do this!

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You'll never hit 40mph with that form

Shouldn’t we be focusing our scientific energies on dealing with depleted food stocks, overpopulation, a dimishining supply of fossil fuels, and bringing 3D porn to the mass market, instead of guessing how fast humans can run one day?

A man able to run at 40mph would cross the finishing line in a 100 metre sprint race in 6.67 seconds – just as Olympic and world champion Bolt reached the 60 metre mark. Scientists calculated the ultimate possible running speed by calculating the quickest rate at which muscles in the body can biologically move.

Ohhhhhh k. So how does this help anyone right now, exactly? Marty McFly taught me that we are capable of riding on hover boards but until I see it, why should I be concerned about it? Should we walk up to fat and ugly people and say, “You know…biologically you could be prettier?”

Can’t we only run as fast as someone can run right now? Is Usain Bolt not the fastest person on earth, since biologically humans can run faster than him? This is like that stupid Beatles song in the Blackberry commercials. “There’s nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.” No shit. I just sang it, so clearly it can be sung. Why are we philosophizing about this?

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Calling William Wallace

40 mph?

Bro WTF Tweets

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