by Big Lou Al Timber on December 2, 2009
guess what, I'm gay and nobody cares.
First of all, I don’t even know who Meridith Baxter is. And second of all, who gives a shit whether or not she’s gay, straight, trans, or a goddamn dolphin-fucker!?!
“The National Enquirer recently ran a story about Baxter being spotted on a lesbian cruise through the Caribbean with a “female friend,” which was then picked up by celebrity blogs. As a result, the 62-year-old decided to tell her fans herself.”
That’s great. The National Enquirer should call me so we can discuss running a story about my nipple. I think it has a few milk ducts on it and I’m not even a woman. What the fuck man?
She’s 62, she doesn’t have an upper lip and she wears a bob. Point being, this isn’t news, it’s not even close guys!
I’ll bet that I’m the ONLY person in the United States that was actually dumb enough to click on the link to this article. Every single other person that went to cnn.com probably glanced over it and said to themselves: “Old news…BFD. Wonder who Tiger fucked today,” or something cool like that. I, on the other hand, think to myself: Hmmm, who is Meredith Baxter and was she ever hot enough for me to think about sucking her ass? Guess I’d better find out…
Great, A) she wasn’t, and B) now I’ve wasted 30 minutes of my day.
NOT NEWS dickheads. WTF!
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by Big Lou Al Timber on November 11, 2009
THIS is a true friend...
Listen, Oprah.com, stop linking your articles to cnn.com and throw yourself off a damn cliff already. Not ONCE have you provided me with any useful information? For Christ sake, who is your target audience – retarded 14 year olds that are home schooled?
“Can you tell your friends from acquaintances?”
Yes, yes I fucking can thank you.
“Increasingly, if you’re not plugged into a social network, you feel out of the loop. But as scientists start to study our newfound connectivity, some worry that we’re heading for a massive friender-bender.”
Friend-bender…WTF…?
“But the downside, he worries, is growing confusion between our weak ties (people who might be useful in referring us to a good dentist or helping us find a job) and our strong ties (those we’re very close to). ‘The distinction between genuine friends and acquaintances is becoming blurred. Users are spending time maintaining relationships with people they don’t really care about.”
Which ”users” exactly are you talking about here guys? Because I can very easily tell my genuine friends from the friends I have on Facebook simply so I can look at them in a bikini or a loose fitting shirt. That’s actually pretty fucking obvious.
Here’s a guideline for you idiots out there that are actually having trouble with this:
FRIENDS:
1) You’ll tell them they look like absolute shit.
2) You won’t bang their girlfriends/wives/fiances – unless of course said spouse is a 9 and your wife is an 8.5 or less.
3) You like them, call them, know their parent’s names, have seen them at their worst/best/and nude.
ACQUAINTENCES:
1) ARE NOT YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS. They’re simply somebody you know.
We really don’t need goddamn Oprah.com figuring this out for us. That’s like calling your bank to find out how many cents a quarter and a dime equal. Figure it out people….
WTF!
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by Big Lou Al Timber on September 29, 2009
"possibly" overdosed on cocaine...
I now love the New Your Medical Examiner, specifically for his ability to dumb shit down to a level so fucking obvious, my hampster could comprehend. And for the record, I’m not sure I would have put the pieces together on this one had CNN not stepped in. Thank GOD for CNN.com.
“Adam “DJ AM” Goldstein’s death last month was an accident caused by “acute intoxication” from a combination of cocaine and prescription drugs, the New York medical examiner said Tuesday.”
Ah HA! I totally get it now! Seriously…
Let me remind you of a couple things:
1) DJ AM was a….D.J. I mean, have you seen Samantha Ronson? Or any other DJ for that matter? Seriously…
2) He dated Nicole Richie
and the real kicker
3) “Goldstein’s body was found August 28 in his New York apartment with a crack pipe nearby and a half bag of crack cocaine and prescription drugs in the home, a police source told People.com.”
I mean coooooommmme oooooonnnnn! You didn’t really need to “examine” this did you?
“The medical examiner said Goldstein, a self-described crack cocaine addict, died from an accidental overdose due to the combined effects of cocaine, Oxycodone, Vicodin, Ativan, Klonopin, Xanax, Benadryl and Levamisole, a drug used to cut cocaine.”
KEY WORDS: self-described. He called himself a fucking coke head. Call me pig-headed, but I don’t think that needs any explanation what-s0-ever! Dude did a boatload of drugs and killed himself! End of story!
But importantly, CNN clears up any further confusion with this nugget: “The 36-year-old DJ and entrepreneur had 11 years of sobriety before his death.”
Really? WTF!
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by Big Lou Al Timber on August 17, 2009
gross
If I had to come up with a list of the Top-10 things we need to do as Americans, I can definitely tell you that finding a cure for fucking cellulite wouldn’t crack it. In fact, it wouldn’t crack my top 100, and probably not my top 1000. Come to think of it, it’s preposterous this even made it onto the front page of CNN.com period!
“Beverly Hunt is a mover and a shaker. A public relations executive who runs her own business in Laurel, Maryland, Hunt believes in looking good. She keeps active and stays in shape. But she has one slight problem that drives her crazy: No matter how much she exercises, she can’t get rid of her cellulite.”
Hey Beverly, nobody cares. Your disgusting cottage cheese ass is about as important to my life as Mickey Rourke’s calf implants are. And FYI, that picture of you “exercising,” or rather, walking down the street really makes you look fat. I mean, your ass is like…baadddaaooooww. Damn.
Can’t we spend some time researching “cures” to more important things? Is this completely ridiculous to anybody else?
New rule, if you have cankles, an ass as round as a pot-hole cover, and cellulite, you are FORBIDDEN from being on the front page of CNN.com. Who’s with me!?!
WTF!
No Comments
by Big Lou Al Timber on May 29, 2009
Is this real?
Front Page of CNN.com RIGHT NOW: Why Our Science Fiction Future Fizzled.
Hmmm, let me take a stab at this one. Is it because we stopped growing smarter? Or maybe because we got too consumed with “green things.” Actually no, even better, it’s because we decided to go to a bunch of shitty wars and now our economy is in the tank. That MUST be it.
Nope. It’s FICTION. It says SCIENCE FICTION. IT’S NOT. FUCKING. REAL!
FICTION = FAKE = NOT TRUE = MEGAN FOX IS BLOWING ME RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE THIS AND HER PINKY IS MASSAGING MY ANUS!
Are you guys serious? How can you even ask “what happened?” This is like asking, and making the front page on CNN.com, “How come Moby Dick doesn’t come up and eat all the pirate boats zipping around off the coast of Kenya?”
Nothing happened! It was never real to begin with!! Fiction. WTF.
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by Big Lou Al Timber on April 30, 2009
See that? She's cleaning shit, which means I'm in love with her.
I’m still perplexed as to how this kind of shit winds up on the front page of CNN.com, but I think I’m getting beyond it at this point. I mean, every news source needs to have an article up every once in a while coming from “The Frisky.”
Seriously though Judy, this is terrible. Really fucking stupid as a matter of fact. Nobody, not one individual with more than 29 brain cells, will take your advice on what’s cute and what’s crazy in regards to dating, because you totally suck as a person.
Case in point, your entire analysis is either flawed or worthless. Animal Attraction – don’t care. Toy’s in the Attic – don’t care. Love Me – what? still don’t care. Background Research – don’t care.
But this section is just unacceptable:
The Nurturing Caregiver: When Niko brought Cathy back home to his somewhat sloppy bachelor pad after their pivotal third date, he was excited. She was cute, fun, and vivacious. He was definitely thinking girlfriend material when he left her a key the next morning as he headed off to work.
When he returned home that evening, his apartment had been scrubbed clean and all the furniture had been rearranged. In the fridge, there were carefully labeled Tupperware containers full of food for the next couple days. Gulp.
Stopping by with soup for your illin’ honey is one thing. Morphing into his mommy is quite another.
UM JUDY? I would marry that chick tomorrow. TOMORROW. That’s like her #2 responsibility behind cleaning my balls with her tongue and she sucked it up and did it all the FIRST TIME HE HAD HER OVER! Are you kidding me! Instant wife material, I suggest you go buy yourself a mop and brush and get to fucking work Judy.
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