Climate Change

Evil glaciers

I’m the first guy to tell you that yes, humans are an anomaly species who do way more harm than good on the planet, and that yes, our actions are causing the earth to heat up quicker than natural. But I’m also the first guy who loves poking fun at sensationalist news articles like this: “Climate Change can give you cancer”.

Melting glaciers and ice sheets are releasing cancer-causing pollutants into the air and oceans, scientists say. The long-lasting chemicals get into the food chain and build up in people’s bodies – triggering tumours, heart disease and infertility. The warning comes in new international study into the links between climate change and a class of man-made toxins called persistent organic pollutants.

You know what else causers cancer? EVERYTHING. Cell phones, first hand smoke, second hand smoke, McDonald’s, Saran Wrap, TV, microwaves, reality TV, and microwave dinners while watching reality TV.

Scientists are concerned about Persistent Organic Pollutants, or POPs, because they last decades in the environment and accumulate in body tissue. They include pesticides such as DDT and chemicals called PCBs used in electrical goods. ‘In the past pollutants have travelled long distances and become trapped in ice in glaciers and ice sheets. But as the ice melts, or when temperatures go up, they are released back into the seas and atmosphere. ‘It doesn’t matter whether you live in Kenya or Britain, the food goes everywhere around the world.’

Ok, that actually sounds scary. But folks, the earth will “ebb” the human “flow” at some point. Things will even out, the herd will thin out. It’s not gonna be all roses….On that note, Happy Holidays! Keep buying all those new electronics and stuff. Stuff that was made by spewing tons of shit into the atmosphere that will inevitably end up in our TV dinners.

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Idiots

I still give myself a partial aneurysm everytime I try and figure out who the hell came up with the whole shadow thing with this fat Groundhog and why. What is all the hoopla is about? Yes, I know I could Wikipedia it, but a good aneurysm every now and then flushes the system out. Since 1889, the son of a bitch has been right 39% of the time! That is worse than flipping a coin. He is more incorrect than the standard variance allows on 50-50 chance happenings. If they just changed the rules, he would be right 61% of the time. This is nonsense. Thank God PETA has a good idea.

PETA thinks it’s time for the nation’s hairiest weatherman to enjoy an early retirement. PETA’s proposal: instead of parading and manhandling the wee groundhog, replace ol’ Phil with a robot.

Or, we could just winter pass at its natural pace and we can all just deal with it. Whaddya say?

Rather than look for its shadow, an iPhil could analyze the latest weather patterns, perhaps even project how global warning might permanently usher in an early Spring.

Can’t we just continue letting meteorologists continue predicting unpredictable things this as they’ve done for umteen years? Do we really need an iPhil to add to the climate change debate? Because this societal basket we’re in is a hand basket, and that fiery pit we’re careening to is in fact, hell.

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And Now Melting Glaciers Cause Cancer

PETA And Punxsutawney Phil Are Equally Asinine

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