by Commodore on February 18, 2011
No biggie.
Some stories on here are stupid, some are funny, some are genius (usually due to my writing), and some flat out defy description. This one is the latter. It is so much the latter, it defies description.
Chinese man had knife blade stuck in his head for four years without knowing it, doctors say.
I bet that sentence had never been written in the history of mankind and I bet that it won’t ever be written again. What kind of a situation would lead to yo having a blade stuck in your head without knowing it?
Li Fuyan said a robber had stabbed him on the right side of his jaw. For years, Li had suffered from severe headaches and had trouble breathing, but didn’t know it was because a knife blade was stuck inside his head, reported The Associated Press.
Huh? Not one X-ray after being stabbed in the face? Jesus!
While shocking, Li’s case is far from unusual. In fact, one of Li’s countrymen once had to have a pair of scissors removed from his esophagus two years ago.
I’m with Karl Pilkington now. China is just weird.
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by Commodore on November 29, 2010
No Kiddin'!
I can understand (barely) the fact that people get trampled at religious gatherings on South East Asian hillsides and/or bridges. While tragic, when you put that many people in a small space, the term bottleneck doesn’t do it justice. It’s more like a urethra neck (whatever that means). But at school?
Students at the No. 5 Elementary School in Aksu City, China were rushing downstairs for after-class exercises around noon when some students fell, the official Xinhua News Agency said. The report said that other students then pushed to squeeze through the narrow stairway, trampling on those that had fallen. Xinhua put the numbers injured at nearly 100. No deaths were reported.
Two thoughts come to mind:
1) How many kids were in this goddamn school? Maybe China should start thinking about a way to curb child births or something. Why do I have to be the one that thinks this stuff up?
2) What game were these kids so eager to play? I’d like to invest in it somehow, either the sure-to-be action figures associated with it or the video game that will be coming out any day now.
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by Commodore on October 5, 2010
Whoa!
No, it’s not the beginning of a movie. It’s really what is being reported out of China.
Three flights from Shanghai and Beijing reportedly had to circle Baotou airport, in Inner Mongolia, until the UFO disappeared. Witnesses reported a bright light shining in the sky around two-and-a-half miles away from Baotou airport, before suddenly vanishing. The incident was the eighth reported UFO sighting in China since the end of June. Xiaoshan International airport near the eastern city of Hangzhou was shut down on 8 July because of a UFO – although officials later confirmed the object had been part of a military test.
Yup, that’s right. As is the way of the web, report sensationalism first, confirm facts later. Imagine if this article was started with a different version of the sentence that ended it? We’re pretty sure it is just a military exercise but an airport had to be shut down for what we are going to call a motherucking UFO. People, you can’t say that an airport was shut down by a UFO when the military in fact, identified the FO.
Anyways, I thought Mongolia was Mongolia, not China. Now you’re telling me there is an Inner Mongolia in China?! That place is probably so genetically isolated that living organisms out there could be called aliens. Aliens probably do live there but they can’t figure out how to get out of there.
8 UFO sightings in China since the end of June equates to about 2 here in America since they have 4 times the amount of people looking up at the skies. That’s not that impressive.
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by Commodore on August 20, 2010
Mmm, lithium batteries
He’s 10 months old and is tips the scale at 44 pounds. Those aren’t months measured on the planet Mercury, these are earth months. You know what else weighs 44 lbs? An average 6 year-old. Nom nom nom!
His mother said: ‘No matter whatever he grabs, he unconsciously puts it in his mouth. His most favourite thing is to eat.’
You don’t say. Ducks being prepared to be foie gras don’t eat the proportions this kid eats. And those mallards have a hose in their mouth would food being fired down it! Thank God China doesn’t have a people vs. resources problem.
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by Commodore on June 16, 2010
This is the 5th image that came up in a "rent a white guy" search on google. WTF
No, this isn’t some fresh new way to look at reparations for slavery. It isn’t a way to teach the man from Caucasus a lesson. This is an idea created by the Chinese. An idea that gives the white man money for simply being…well, white.
Not long ago I was offered work as a quality-control expert with an American company in China I’d never heard of. No experience necessary—which was good, because I had none. I’d be paid $1,000 for a week, put up in a fancy hotel, and wined and dined in Dongying, an industrial city in Shandong province I’d also never heard of. The only requirements were a fair complexion and a suit.
With one glance in the mirror and one gander in my closet I too a couple deep breaths and thought to myself, I can do this. Us white guys are always looking for a break in life, and finally this just might be it.
…As we waited for the ceremony to begin, a foreman standing beside me barked at workers still visible on the construction site. They scurried behind the scaffolding. “Are you the boss?” I asked him. He looked at me quizzically. “You’re the boss.”
Jesus. Who knew we could exploit the Chinese for economic gains? I should start outsourcing stuff over there. I think it is gonna be lucrative. I also want to order Chinese food here in NYC and see if I can get “suit discounts” upon delivery.
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by Commodore on August 30, 2009
Sometimes ignoring doesn't work.
Since the 9th century BC, scientists and psychologists alike, have proven that the nagging abilities of a female is enough to wreak havoc on a male’s brain, driving him to bug out to levels that even war has not driven him to. But this is another level completely.
A man jumped into a fast-flowing river because he couldn’t take his wife’s nagging anymore. The Chinese truck driver, known as Zhou, and his wife were on a ferry on the Yangtze River when it all became too much for him, the Chongqing Evening Post reports.
Oh come on. How bad could the nagging have been? There must be some misunderstanding. I’m sure the guy fell overboard accidentally. These things happ-
Members of the ship’s crew saw the man suddenly run out of his cabin with his hands covering his ears, and shouting: “I can’t stand it any longer.” They initially thought he was suffering from an ear injury and went to help him but found he was unhurt. “While we were still puzzling over the this, his wife ran up and continued nagging him,” said a crewmate. “The husband covered his ears again and said: ‘I need a break’ before jumping over the side into the rushing river.
Jesus Christ! Think about this for one moment. The man was so fed up with his wife’s nagging that he jumped off a fucking boat in the middle of the night because he needed a break. A break. This man’s only solace from getting an ear full of an “estrogen fueled expectation lambasting” was plunging into the waters of the Yangtze River, where as one crew member put it,
“The possibility of survival can be zero.”
The dude needed a break from the continuous torment of his wife, and his choice for that sliver of peace was almost guaranteed death. Either this guy’s fuse made The Incredible Hulk’s look like a zip line or this woman asked more questions than a 3-year-old devil child who just learned the word “Why”.
However, later that night, police found the man who had managed to swim about 2km across across the broad river. “I felt I was dying, but even that’s better than my wife’s nagging,” he reportedly told the police.
2km?! Dying was better than being nagged? Lady, I don’t know what you have been riding your husband about but unless he wipes his ass with towels and throws them on the bed, you might want to let some shit slide. Sure he could use some new shoelaces, trim his ear hair, floss more, lose a pound or two, and not get so much water on the bathroom floor, but cut the guy some slack.
The couple were reunited the following morning at the local police station where Zhou’s wife promised to give up her habit of nagging him.
That a girl.
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by Uncle Awesome on June 9, 2009
Who knew he was chinese
Liu Lijian, 46, came to casualty complaining of shooting pains. To the astonishment of doctors, when they examined him, they found needles in every part of his body apart from his head.
Scans and X-rays showed that, in his stomach alone, he had 38 needles under his skin.
Let him die. People come in that can’t be saved everyday from things they have no control over. This guy pops needles to the point Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Bradley Knowles and Shannon Hoon would all take pause. If I came into the hospital with a bruised pinky I would expect doctors to treat me first. In fact, I would rather his team of doctors work on David Carridine to try to bring him back to life just to give him a copy of Hustler and a bottle of lotion just so he can masturbate like the rest of us as opposed to working on this guy. WTF!
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by Commodore on May 4, 2009
Just hitting my quota for the day.
No seriously. Smoke on this or you will be fined! Good ‘ol China. Nothing says, “We’re ready to a be a global leader” more than forcing state officials to smoke like the characters on Mad Men.
Officals in a county in central China have been told to smoke nearly a quarter million packs of locally made cigarettes annually or risk being fined, state media reports.
Bro, WTF.
“The regulation will boost the local economy via the cigarette tax,” said Chen Nianzu, a member of the Gong’an cigarette market supervision team, according to the paper.
Thank you for your unbiased analysis, Mr. Cigarette Market Supervisor. I’m sure that if I interviewd the guy over at the local coffin manufacturing plant he would say, “Killing people will boost the local economy, so do it.” Off the top of my head, I can’t imagine that forcing a small group of people to smoke 250,000 cigarettes would have any adverse effects whatsoever…
China has 350 million smokers, of whom a million die of smoking-related diseases every year.
Oh. In a related story, a coffin manufacturer was seen chuckling.
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by Uncle Awesome on May 3, 2009
Even I am disgusted, and I just ran over Yao
This is bizarre, and not just “haha” bizarre. This is crazier than bringing Lindsay Lohan to your parents’ open-bar wedding anniversary dinner. I realize that one out of every six people on earth is Chinese. And I am aware that means that one out of every six people who die is probably also Chinese. Apparently, these wacky bastards think that “if a body is burnt the spirit will be angry and misfortune will befall descendants”
First of all, what is “The Spirit”? Do they mean the Samual L. Jackson movie The Spirit? I saw that movie a few months ago, and I can assure you that if there was a can of gasoline and a match around, I would have lit myself up just to end that misery.
Well regardless, let’s move on to what the Chinese are doing as a solution. They are a rational industrious people. Are they sending them off to sea? Nope. Are they selling them to America as toys with “Made in China” tattooed on them? Nope. Are they having gangs murder random elderly people then buying them and passing them off as their relatives so they can trick the government into thinking they are cremating their actual relatives? YUP!!!
Apparently, a fresh Bea Arthur will run you about $1,600 US dollars. And this isn’t a random thing that has happened once or twice. So far, over 400 itty bitty elderly Chinamen are gone. I’m pretty sure the guy who ran over that innocent student in Tiananmen Square just vomited, because even he is disgusted at this. China, this is why the Japanese think they’re better than you. WTF!
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