Check

minus a penny

Most people who work hard for a decade expect to either have enough money to retire, enough money to buy a house, or enough money to buy a wife. Janet Maitland worked hard for a decade to get enough money to buy a…a…jeez, I don’t know what 14 cents could buy you these days.

Janet Maitland is nothing if not a good telephone services consumer. Back about a decade ago, she got her long distance phone service through Costco. It was called TTI and it offered a smoking deal. She had put $5 on account and nearly a decade later, she still has 14 cents left. But then out of nowhere, that 14 cents disappeared. “It is 14 cents, but it is my 14 cents,” she said.

Jesus Christ, lady. I can’t even say you’re nickel and diming them because, well because 14 cents is less than a nickel and a dime. You have undershot the term “nickel and diming”. That’s impressive. That’s like having a menage a trois with one other person.

Soon after, Maitland got a check for 14 cents.

Yaaaaaaaaay. I love street justice.

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Look, covering your $250 hotel room bill at our buddy’s wedding because your credit cards were temporarily deactivated (for whatever reason you and your budding credit rating could get deactivated for) is fine. However, you trying to pay me back by buying me beers the next couple times we go out, is unacceptable.

Had I bought you a sandwich the week before, then yes, you can pay me back by purchasing me a tasy beverage. But when the money owed reaches the same amount of money that could purchase airfare, then I’m gonna have to go ahead and request a check.

You see, spending that $250 on you removed that amount right from my checking account and unless that $250 makes it’s pretty little way back into my checking account, it is as if I got robbed of $250 because I don’t balance my checkbook, nor do I have any semblance of financial planning. In fact everytime I send my check in for rent I make the same face and gestures that someone who just threw a grenade makes (holding of the breath, plugging of the ears, and a forced closure of the eyes), hoping that I don’t get hit with any “bounced” shrapnel.

And while I enjoy drinking beers with you, if I have a $250 drinking credit next time we go out, I will of course treat that $250 like it was a surplus owed to me and not the payment that keeps the books even. This is dangerous for someone who has yet to learn how to drink responsibly. A $250 open credit at a bar leaves me: buying drinks for people I don’t know, hitting on chicks with a high body mass index, and trying to use up all $250 in one night because I like reaching goals.

So please, we are not 22 anymore and the $250 isn’t exactly a “just get me back on the next round” kind of loan. The rules should be as follows. If you owe me:

$0 – $20, you pay me back in booze or food next time we are out
$20 – $100, you pay me back in cash. Buying me a lap dance at a strip club is not an acceptable payment. However, buying me a blow job at one, is. (BJ’s are the exception to every rule)
+$100, you write me a check, or you cover my share in the next unavoidable group fee until your debt is repaid, i.e. rental car, plane ticket, hotel, or The Wolf’s services when we need to dispose of a body.

Savvy?

Respectfully,

Browtf

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