BMI

Something tells me that these kids won't outlive a dog.

It’s as if the world is dropping “No Shit!” studies in my lap, begging me to comment. I’m almost waiting for a comprehensive 20-year study to be released stating, “Lava seems to be hot to touch.” Before scientists think up their next study, can they run it through the “obvious” test first because I’m pretty sure we knew that people who are obese at the age of 5 aren’t going to live very long.

Obesity in children may pave the way to an early grave, a new study in the New England Journal of Medicine finds. The study, published Wednesday, followed nearly 5,000 American Indian children from childhood to middle age and found that those who were obese as children were more than twice as likely to die from disease before the age of 55.

Who would have thought that lining your arteries with caulk before puberty would have an adverse effect on your long term health? I thought working out was good for your body! Apparently not so for red blood cells trying to squeeze through narrow openings. Weird.

This is the first large study to confirm that childhood obesity is a risk factor for long-term complications, though that is something experts have suspected for years.

Just the experts? I’m pretty sure lemurs had suspected it too.

Previously, research has only been able to show associations between early death and childhood obesity, said Dr. Nicholas Stettler, a pediatrician who specializes in nutrition and epidemiology at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. But this study is more powerful, he said, because it further confirms a direct relationship between childhood obesity and long-term health complications.

No, no. You should be confused at what you just read. Read it again to be even more confused. Early studies showed that childhood obesity was associated with early death but now we know that there is a direct relationship. Heart disease kills more of us than anything else. Most people are fat. Boom. Direct relationship.

This “associated” and “direct relationship” argument on this topic would be just as stupid as saying, “Until the invention of the microscope and the dawn of embryology, a man ejaculating inside a woman was only associated with pregnancy, it was not directly related.” WTF.

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Maybe we should redesign the airplane because of this guy

So if I told you that someone with long hair was 22% less likely to get a head injury when falling off a bicycle than someone with short hair, even when both were wearing a helmet, would you stop riding your bike? The answer is no, because that statement is idiotic. Well, this study is kind of like that.

Men who are overweight have a higher chance of surviving a car crash if they’re wearing a safety belt, a University of Michigan study found out.

Seems like a ridiculously obvious statement. I bet you could arbitrarily put any word behind Men who are __________ and the fact will be that that type of man will die less if wearing a safety belt. Unless of course “driving with their face while their seat belt is wrapped around their neck” is in that blank. I imagine that particular scenario kills most, if not all subjects.

The U-M Transportation Research Institute study found men who were overweight had a 22 percent lower chance of being killed in a fatal crash than men who are underweight. But the opposite was true if overweight weren’t buckled in. According to the study, men with a body mass index between 35 and 50 were 10 percent more likely to be killed in an auto accident.

Oh ok. Now you’re trying to make a point. Although again, this helps no one. That’s like saying, fat people have a 22% greater chance of surviving a 40-story fall onto concrete but have a 10% less chance of surviving if they landed on rocks. WTF. In the end, everyone should wear their seat belt, right?

Overall, drivers who don’t wear safety belts are 2.1 times more likely to die in a fatal crash than those who are belted.

Boom. End of story and analysis. Who cares about the fat or not fat information?

The researchers suggested design of airbags, knee restraints and seats might need to be redesigned to protect people who have extreme BMIs.

What the fuck? This is like trying to design a gun that shoots bullets out slower because bullets tend to kill people. No, nothing needs to be redesigned on the accord of “fat people die more often when they’re not wearing safety belts”! Put your seat belts on! Why are we always giving in and making extra allowances for the outliers? If anything needs to be redesigned, it’s the seat belt so that average sized people don’t die at a greater rate than fat people when seat belts are fastened.

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