by Big Lou Al Timber on December 9, 2009
What is THAT!?!
Seriously! What the Fuck man!?!
“A massive iceberg — more than twice the size of New York’s Manhattan island — is drifting slowly toward Australia, scientists said Wednesday.”
Are you kidding me? Australia, they have kangaroos in Australia. There’s a huge f’ing desert and people that we call Aborigines that look like Sammy Sosa. Now they have giant freaking ice bergs threatening to ride up the beach!?! That’s ridiculous.
“The iceberg, measuring 140 square km (54 square miles), cleaved off an ice shelf nearly 10 years ago and had been floating near Antarctica before commencing on its unusual journey north.”
The world is ending dude, flat out ending. I don’t know what else to say.
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by Commodore on October 13, 2009
Yes it does.
You would think that if a news agency had a pointless story whose content was too racy for print, that it would just discard the story or “soften” it up a little bit. Well, not in Australia. Australia, if you remember from your history, is full of inmate offspring.
A woman accused of performing a sexual act on a man when he crashed in Darwin’s rural area is outraged at the allegation and says it is “absolutely wrong”.
That is the first sentence of the story. Where else could that go, but here:
“I was not sucking his dick – and it’s pretty obvious that wasn’t the case … you only have to look at the mark on my chest,” she said. “Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it’s impossible that I’d be leaning over sucking his dick unless he is hung like a donkey or I’ve got a fucking rubber neck.”
Can’t you just see the journalist, Rebekah Cavanagh leaning in intently asking questions and writing answers down? ‘So that was hung like…a…donkey and…fucking rubber neck. Ok, got it. Thanks!’
“If it was true I’d just cop it sweet and think ‘how embarrassing, I got caught sucking someone’s dick – but it is not true and that’s what is pisses me off.”
See, she’s not mad that she almost died in a car accident and has what looks like a bruise from a crowbar on her neck…she’s mad that someone thinks she was sucking dick when she wasn’t sucking dick for that one particular moment out of the day. It’s not right for people to just assume!
“It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he’d already paid me. But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job.”
WTF!?!? Her tits were flopping all over the place and a $5 just happened to wedge itself in between her breasts? No, why would ANYONE think you were doing something like sucking dick? To make Australia even better,
Ms White, 34, said she had been at the Howard Springs Tavern celebrating a friend’s birthday when they decided to go back to a friend’s place in Humpty Doo.
City’s name is Humpty Doo…Australia, keep fucking that chicken.
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by Commodore on October 6, 2009
Chalked body in Australia
If there was an outdoor car racing event in the United States and the planners of said event wanted to curb people’s alcohol consumption, those puss-bags would probably give us a 6-beer or 8-beer limit, MAX and we’d have to drink it in a beer garden away from the race (Oh that already happened) because someone was citing some sort of binige drinking study. Not the Australians, my friend.
Adult fans at one of Australia’s most popular motor sport races, the Bathurst 1000, will be limited to one “slab” of beer a day — or 24 375 ml cans — as police focus on reducing alcohol-related crime.
(24) 375ml cans is 2.37 GALLONS os beer. That’s each individual’s limit. I’m really starting to believe that this Australia place really was inhabited by crooks, castoffs and criminals. Where else would a collective group get together and bring order to a situation by limiting beer consumption in the hot outdoor sun to 2.37 gallons?
Funny thing, this 24 can rule though. Because it is about as lax as airport security in Brazil pre 9/11 (Believe me, I’ve been there post 9/11 and they have mannequins guarding the X-ray machine).
But more restrained spectators would be able to slake their thirst, if not their craving for alcohol, with up to 36 cans of low or mid-strength beer.
What?! 36?! That’s 3.5 gallons of beer! IF you behave yourself. Who on earth can be restrained after 24 beers other than Andre the Giant? I’ve tried to sleep with my own mother after 18 beers.
Police were also urging people traveling to Bathurst to drive safely and closely monitor their speed and fatigue.
Yeah because you wouldn’t want to crash before you had the chance to die of alcohol poisoning.
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by Commodore on September 7, 2009
Peekaboo!
Ok, I know that Australia hosts something like 145% of all poisonous species that exist on the planet but never ever should I ever have to read about this happening:
An Australian man found an unpleasant surprise coiled up in his toilet – a python almost twice his size was lurking in the toilet bowl.
…Come again?
Chris Peberdy, who runs Darwin-based snake handling company Snake N.T. said, “He must have come up through a drain. He was cruising around the house at night and returning to the toilet by day.”
Apparently pythons are such a part of daily life that their movements up drainage pipes and into homes can be referred to as “cruising around”, like it was out for a Sunday stroll. You know what comes up through our drains? Nothing. There is no animal in the northern hemisphere that would choose to squeeze itself up a shit pipe. Wellllll, unless it was a gerbil, of course.
Peberdy had some sage advice for people living in that area: ‘Keep the toilet seat down and look before you sit.’
Or just move towards civilization.
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by Uncle Awesome on June 8, 2009
A much better dive buddy!
Christina Watson, 26, drowned while diving with her husband, David Gabriel Watson, an experienced diver, 11 days after their wedding in 2003.
Prosecutors said he had failed in his duty as his wife’s dive buddy.
Well there’s an understatement. That’s like saying John Wilkes Booth failed President Lincoln as a courteous member of the audience. He turned off her air and watched her die. . . . . on their honeymoon.
Now I know things work a bit different in Alabama. Frankly, I’m not sure if A) slavery is even illegal there or if B) they are fully aware the Civil War is over. I am however, pretty sure the rules of marriage are the same.
Rule number one: If you don’t want to get married don’t say “I do”. That’s it man, that’s all you had to do. Instead you opted for murder. I know it’s awkward calling everyone who got a save the date card. “Hey, yeah, sorry to call but we talked about it, and the marriage is a no go, see you at Thanksgiving, good luck with the new double-wide.”
Much easier than “Hey, yeah, so thanks for the blender at the wedding, but I murdered my wife last week so did you want that back for your new double-wide?” WTF!
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