assault

Literally!!!

Tatsuya Moriguchi, a 39-year-old construction worker has been arrested for throwing his own feces at women passers-by from a motorcycle in two separate attacks in western Japan, police said today.

I’m sorry, what???

“The suspect has told investigators he did it because he felt frustrated when his work didn’t go well.”

Oh, of course! When work gets me a little down there is nothing I like to do more than shit in my hand, hop on my moped and head down the mean NYC streets throwing my feces at women between the ages of 4-9 (I have a few problems).

The man turned himself in yesterday after making the second drive-by attack in Settsu, a satellite city near Osaka, and was detained on suspicion of assault.

Few questions here:

1. Why turn yourself in? You have clearly made what some might say is a pretty significant break with reality, no need to muddle it with a moral revelation.

2. On suspicion of assault, really?  What does it take to be guilty of assault, you have a guy who admits to throwing shit at women’s faces, I think that’s pretty much ballgame, no?

I wonder if this offends R. Kelly?  Do you think he’s lying back thinking “Man, I remember the good ole days when you could just piss all over a bitch, warmer than the chicken noodle soup that was sitting in her Miley Cyrus lunch box thermos.”

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