Ambulance

Poor chair

People are the size of cattle.

As the nation battles the obesity crisis, ambulance crews are trying to improve how they transport extremely heavy patients, who become significantly more difficult to move as they surpass 350 pounds. And caring for such patients is expensive, requiring costly equipment and extra workers, so some ambulance companies have started charging higher fees for especially overweight people.

Now I know some of you softies out there might disagree and everyone should be treated equal and blah blah blah, but get a load of this:

A panicked ambulance crew had a critically ill patient, but the man weighed more than 1,000 pounds and could not fit inside the vehicle.  So they use a forklift to load the man — bed and all — onto a flatbed truck.

Notice that they didn’t have to explain what critical illness this half-ton human was stricken with.  Because if you have to be carted and shipped around like a pallet of marble tiles, you are just “critically ill” 24/7, period.

“I’ve heard stories of people moved by U-Haul trucks and sides of mobile homes having to be removed to move patients out, things of that nature,” said Ted Sayer, a general manager for the American Medical Response unit.  Before those ambulances had heavy-duty equipment, crews just had to make do, often calling in burly firefighters to help lift patients.

Folks in the South, put down the bacon-aise, please.  You’re going to kill someone other than yourself because average humans have a hard time lifting something that weighs 1,000 pounds and we now need to call in the National Guard to lift your ass up.  Oh how do I know it’s people in the south?  Maybe you skipped over the words “mobile homes”.

Like many ambulance companies, Keller’s unit in Topeka recently spent about $10,000 to retrofit an ambulance with equipment that accommodates patients weighing up to 1,600 pounds (725 kilograms).

We now have equipment that can move someone weighing over THREE QUARTERS of a ton.  Isn’t that a sign that it’s time for human extinction when we have people that weigh more than an adult polar bear?  WTF.

Powered by Bookmarkify™