by Commodore on January 6, 2011
Surprise!
There’s nothing more a guy likes than being forced into asking for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage. Err-wait, is it nothing more that a guy likes less? Crap. I forget. Maybe I’ll figure it out by the end of this post.
A woman from Chicago’s Northwest Side wanted to start the New Year with a marriage proposal, with help from police. Ana Perez, 40, called 911 around 8:30 p.m. on Sunday, claiming her boyfriend was attacking her. When police arrived, she changed her story, admitting she was trying to scare her boyfriend into marrying her.
Ta-daaaaa!
Police in the Grand Central District were not amused, and charged Perez with disorderly conduct. “She called 911 to scare him and have the police force him to marry her,’’ according to Grand Central District police Capt. Grand Central District Capt. Ronald Pontecore. The boyfriend, according to police, had no intention of marrying Perez and was in the process of breaking up with her.
I guess that settles it. There’s nothing more a guy likes less…
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by Commodore on September 28, 2010
Screw you, Arnold.
How amazing is 911 service? You’re in trouble, you’re in an accident, you’re in a well because a madman put you there. No matter. Just take your phone out and dial 911 and you will be helped. It’s tax dollars well spent.
A panicked man called a police emergency line for help because there was a cat in his kitchen. “There’s a cat in my kitchen I don’t know how to deal with him.”
Dear God, there’s an idiot on your planet and I don’t know how to deal with him.
The bemused operator asks “You’ve got a what in your kitchen?”, and the man responds: “A cat, cat, cat.”
Operator: “So there’s no emergency? it’s just that there’s a cat in your kitchen?
Man: “I need to sleep. It’s in my, my home.”
Operator: “This is not a police matter. We’re not going to remove a cat from your house. If you just go into the kitchen, shoo the cat out the back door, it will leave, alright?”
How did she know that?! This 911 operator was like the Oracle at Delphi with all of her knowledge about things she couldn’t have possibly known. Just shoo it out the back door. Who knew?
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by Commodore on February 4, 2010
Clear as day
Can’t we just do away with a few people here and there to weed out the sludge? Populations can’t keep growing forever. At some point, some people are gonna have to go. Let’s start with…her.
A 51-year-old Crestview woman who had been warned about calling 911 for non-emergency reasons was arrested Jan. 26 after the fourth call in 90 minutes. She was calling to report that her husband had taken her cell phone and would not return it, according to her arrest report.
You read that correctly. She wasn’t 15. She was 51, with a presumably fully developed brain. Talk about bad problem solving skills. That would be like calling in a demolition specialist, a quarry digging company, and an excavator to plant some tomatoes in your garden.
When an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office deputy went to their home after the third call, he attempted to call the number for the phone that had been reported as stolen. He heard it ringing in the room, he wrote in his report. At that time, deputies told her not to call again about the phone.
She never bothered to actually call her own cell phone. That should be ground for a public execution for wasting the police’s time.
After she called again, she was arrested for abusing the 911 system. When she was searched prior to being placed in the patrol car, the phone was located in her jacket pocket.
Ready. Aim. Fire.
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by Commodore on September 2, 2009
That's heartfelt.
The above ad was created by the firm, “DDS Brazil” for the World Wildlife Fund without their authorization. Why didn’t they authorize it? Well, in case you couldn’t tell, it is a photo of 100 planes flying into lower Manhattan and the tagline says:
The tsunami killed 100 times more people than 9/11. The planet is brutally powerful. Respect it. Preserve it.
What the f- The only other time the WWF, 9/11, and the tsunami had ever been connected before was in a game of Madlibs 16 months ago.
What on earth is DDS Brazil trying to say here? Forget about a few commercial planes aggressively being flown into skyscrapers… instead, we should protect animals because our neglect of them somehow forced the crust of the earth to rip apart for 10 minutes, raising the ocean floor 20 meters, causing the entire planet to vibrate, and sending a tsunami that killed a quarter of a million people?
DDS Brazil, while the results of the tsunami horrifically did kill 100 times the amount of people as 9/11, comparing the effects of plate tectonics to people purposefully flying planes into buildings with the intent of killing as many people as possible – and then throwing in a photo of a panda bear to boot – is nonsensical at best.
Connecting the dots as you did would be like me creating an ad for BMW with photo of a car accident in front of the backdrop of Pol Pot’s killing fields in Cambodia with a tagline that says, “Car accidents every year kill the same amount of people worldwide as Pol Pot killed Cambodians. Cherish your life. Buy a BMW.”
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by Commodore on June 5, 2009
For real.
Are we supposed to be impressed or something?
Osama bin Laden has fewer and fewer places to hide these days, officials tell NPR.
No shit. Because I know a lot of hide and seek games that go on for 8 years and cost $640 billion. I think Osama won this part of the game, folks. Moles in the Whack-a-mole game too, have fewer and fewer places to hide and yet they always seem to beat you. I’m sure you catch my drift.
8 years and $640 billion since 9/11 and we can’t find a 6′6″ Osama wheeling around a dialysis machine over cliffs and caves, but we are supposed to get reprieve in that he’s running out of places to hide?
If you told me that there was a sand crab somewhere underneath the sand at the beach and I ran over and dug a hole and picked up a handful of nothing but sand, that crab too, would have fewer and fewer places to hide.
Yes I know, that analogy is as spot on as the “Whack-a-mole” one. Thanks.
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by Commodore on June 2, 2009
Machine Malfunction
Is Lynn Cheney being held hostage or something, because I think Dick Cheney is saying whatever the kidnappers want him to say. I know how this works. I’ve seen 24. WTF-1 and WTF-2. Granted, WTF-1 is linked to the NY Post and that is about as accurate as using a 3-year-old’s drawing of a mountain as a Hi-Def photo.
“People ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish, any kind of arrangement they wish,” said Cheney.
In related news, Dick Cheney’s cyborg chip planted in his brain has been malfunctioning. Dick Cheney wouldn’t back gay marriage even if his daughter was a lezbo! Hahahahaha. Riiiiight? What’s next? He’s gonna tell us that Saddam Hussein wasn’t involved in 9/11????
On whether Hussein helped al-Qaeda carry out the 2001 terrorist attacks, Cheney said, “I do not believe, and I have never seen any evidence, that he was involved in 9/11.”
Dood. WTF.
“Oops” can only be used in horseshoes and hand grenades (or something like that). So to the people of Iraq, we’re officially sorry for the 6 years of utter hell and destruction we put your country in. Who needed schools, hospitals and museums anyway??? But seriously, we got our intelligence mixed up. It happens. But don’t worry, we’ll be gone soon and in consolation you will have a bunch of McDonalds…to kill you from the inside.
God bless destroy Dick Cheney.
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by Uncle Awesome on May 4, 2009
Freeze you towel head mother fucker!
I took this picture with my Blackberry yesterday. It’s a real bumper sticker. If I was told to sit down with a pad and paper and come up with the most absurd piece of uninformed hate-propaganda I could muster, I would not have been able to come up with this. There are a few things I’m certain of:
A: The guy who owns this has at one time in his life sported a mullet.
B: There is a better chance of the owner of this vehicle being a Snork than being non-white.
C: This guy ABSOLUTELY owns a denim jacket, calls it a “jean jacket,” and is not trying to be ironic like the hipsters in Brooklyn.
D: This guy actually believes he could kill an Arab on site, and would kill you if you saw the Arab first and didn’t kill him.
E: This guy definitely believes there were “Weapons of Mass Destruction” in Iraq and that’s probably what he calls his farts.
PS. In the “of course it was” moment of the day, this was taken in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart.
WTF!
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by Big Lou Al Timber on April 28, 2009
It's a bird, it's a plane....holy FUCK!
This is great, I love this kind of shit. Louis Caldera should be recognized as a national hero after pulling this kind of stunt. Can you imagine the thought process?
Caldera: Well let’s see, it’s been about 8 years since 9/11, how about we shake thing up a bit in NY, give the people a little scare.
Official #2: Great idea Caldy, let’s start a big fire.
Caldera: No no official #2, something better, something more…reeeaaaaalllistic.
Official #2: Like “swine flu?
Caldera: No, let’s get an Osama Bin Laden impersonator, strap a jacket full of dynamite to him, and parade him around Times Square!
Official #2: Can’t do that, we have ’regulations’ against dynamite sir.
Caldera: Alright, then let’s fly a plane around New York really low and have some F 16’s and shit follow it!
Official #2: YES! AWESOME!
Calling this “felony stupidity” is an understatement. This is the kinda shit somebody should be hung for. Fuck firing Caldera, rape that man with a 2′4″. If I lived in New York I would start a picket line in front of this guys office complete with machine guns, tanks, flame throwers, etc. just waiting for this motherfucker to walk outside.
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