by Commodore on February 26, 2010
This doesn't feel like Manhattan
Everyone knows the saying that goes something like: “Dude, where is this guy? Timbuktu?” when describing the lateness of someone’s arrival or the general confusion to someone’s actual location. Frankly, I don’t know where the statement came from and I would bet that most of you thought it was a ficitonal distant place right nexst to Tatooine. Well it’s not. It’s a real place, but it is aptly named for a place far, far away because of things like this.
Twenty-six people, at least half of them children, were killed in a stampede near the ancient Djinguereber mud mosque in Timbuktu, Mali.
Did the mud mosque collapse, oh fearless Commodore? No, that’s the thing. The “mud” mosque was actually a safe haven.
Moulaye Sayah said about 4,000 people, traveling to and from the mosque to celebrate the festival, had to squeeze through a narrow road. The main road that leads to the mosque is closed because of construction, Sayah told CNN. Because the smaller road was so crowded, Sayah said, people began falling and some panicked, sparking the stampede.
Fuck, that’s sad. I don’t know what makes a land sound like more of a distant place. The fact that they have mud mosques or that there is only one trench-like narrow passage that 4,000 people have to squeeze through in order to get to the mud mosque.
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by Commodore on February 26, 2010
by Commodore on February 25, 2010
wee fo rael
I tend to not write about mass media hysteria but from time to time, even I have to chime in on the “story du jour“. (That’s “Talk Soup” in French for those wondering.) It’s amazing when a story has the power to grip a nation and spark everyone to embark on candlelight vigils and the like.
A small storm brewing in Gisborne has been calmed by the Fire Service.
Fucking heroes, I tell you.
They were called to a house, where a curious mastiff pitbull cross puppy had his head caught inside a porcelain teapot.
Wait, what? This was in the “national news” section of the online newspaper? What kind of shit has to NOT happen in order to report this story to the national news? Did New Zealand turn into Easter Island recently? Hey guys look!! A BIRD!!!!!
Firefighters assessed the situation, before carefully breaking the antique to free the distressed pup. They report the dog just has a slight cut on its nose.
Thank God for the Internet so that we as a world can release our collective breaths, rejoice, and get back to feeding our wife and kids. We apologize to all of the airplanes that have to navigate our floating prayer thingies that we launched in hopes of a civil outcome to this horrible crisis.
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by Commodore on February 24, 2010
Yup.
Carrie Prejean made some rumblings a few months back (that I’m sure I bitched about) when her hot little self said that gays shouldn’t be allowed to marry during a presidential deb- errr wait, no, it wasn’t that important of an arena. It was during a “pretty contest”, but whatever, that is not the point. The point is that someone in a less significant “pretty contest” said something much more firming and specific regarding her feelings towards homosexuals. So let’s talk about it.
23 year-old Miss Beverly Hills 2010 Lauren Ashley says, “The Bible says that marriage is between a man and a woman. In Leviticus it says: ‘If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.’ The Bible is pretty black and white. I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more than we do about life.”
Oh goody! Fox news thinks we should care about what a 23 year-old Beauty Queen from Beverly Hills thinks, since she represents a large demographic of the country. But honestly, is this for real? She is quoting the Old Testament for truths? That’s about as smart as asking a homeless man for his best fois gras recipe. And Leviticus of all books? You know what else Leviticus says?
Leviticus 20:9-10 God commands death for cursing out ones parents and death for adultery.
Leviticus 26:30 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shill ye eat.
Leviticus 27:28-29 God ordered and allowed human sacrifices.
So since God knows more about life than us and has the best for everyone, we have to listen to ALL His stern warnings, right Lauren? And it looks like that means that if you’ve ever sworn at your parents (even under your breath, my sweet little angel! Don’t forget, sins are “by word, thought or deed”), they can kill you and then eat you and everything should be fine and dandy.
Yay God!
*Oh and Lauren, when you’re ready to have premarital sex, call me. I can guarantee your safety from God killing you for that sin. My relationship with Him is THAT good.
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by Commodore on February 23, 2010
Somebody arrest this man.
The best stories that the news agencies put out are those that, after hearing them, you realize that your life won’t be the same anymore. Think, December 7, 1941, June 6, 1944, and September 11, 2001. It’s time to add Feb 22, 2010 to that mix.
An 18-year-old Cheektowaga man was arrested on felony criminal mischief charges, after being accused of repeated attempts at ‘break dancing.’
Look around your office, your room or wherever you are reading this. Take note of the weather and what you are wearing. Decades from now, younger generations will ask you where you were on that fateful day.
Ryan Baczkiewicz was arrested as result of approximately $3,000 in damage to the hardwood floors at a home in Elma. The damage was caused when the suspect arrived at a house party held by the owner of the home’s daughters, in an intoxicated condition. He is accused of making repeated attempts at ‘break dancing,’ while wearing a large diamond buckle, causing extensive gouging damage to hardwood floors.
What’s better than a high school house party? 18-year olds doing everything they can to show off and establish “coolness”. Even if that means wearing a diamond buckle and break dancing. You gotta hand it to the kid though. “Accused of making repeated attempts” means that he was not deterred at the onset of initial failure. There was probably a blow job on the line. Shit, if dusting yourself and trying again is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. Me and Aaliyah.
The home owner returned home from vacation to find the damage. Baczkiewicz was charged with criminal mischief in the second degree, a class D felony, and criminal trespass in the second degree, a class A misdemeanor.
What a dick “homeowner”. I didn’t know that showing up to a house party that you were invited to, was trespassing these days. Instead of charging the coolest kid at the party with a crime, why not get your daughters in line for not being able to tell the kid with a diamond buckle to stop boring holes in their kitchen?
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by Commodore on February 22, 2010
Start training
Everything can’t be an Olympic sport, right? We already have curling where you are called an Olympian because you can make a back-and-forth sweeping motion with no athletic precision whatsoever is a tad ridiculous. But pole dancing?
Absolutely, say thousands of pole dancers and the rapidly growing number of international and national federations transforming what was once the exclusive property of strip clubs and cheap bars into a respectable _ and highly athletic _ event.
Who is dubbing this respectable? Just because muscles are engaged during a form of workout shouldn’t mean that it should be a globally competed sport.
“I could definitely see pole dancing in the Olympics,” said Mai Sato, who, a dancer since the age of three, out-twirled a bevy of athletes from 11 countries at the second International Pole Dancing Fitness Championships in Tokyo two months ago. “I would love to win a gold medal.”
What? Give us enough time and we will think of everything to fill our idle minutes.
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by Commodore on February 19, 2010
Don't look directly into it. It could render your brain useless
I don’t know what horrifies me more.
A) Running into the idiots that answered this survey incorrectly (yes, incorrectly) and being forced to have a conversation with them or
B) If this report doesn’t horrify you, my faithful readers, more than the boogey man does.
Nearly a third of Texans believe humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth at the same time, and more than half disagree with the theory that humans developed from earlier species of animals, according to the University of Texas/Texas Tribune Poll.
That has to be the saddest thing about the progression of our species. More so than greed, corruption and murder. The fact that we get to live such a pampered life due to technology and on the backs of people that spent their lives dedicated to the advancement of technology so that we could live a little better, a little longer, and with a little more clarity and understanding of the world and universe around us, only to have half of us then “not believe” quite possibly the clearest scientific fact ever proven, is a travesty of the gravest degree.
For 1 out of 3 Texans to think that humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth together would be like 1 out of 3 Texans believing they could swim to the moon from the surface of the earth, on a river of Cool-Whip.
For 1 out of 2 Texans to think that humans did not develop from earlier species would be like 1 out of 2 Texans believing that the movie Cars was a documentary.
Yes it IS the same thing. Believe in God. Believe in reincarnation. Believe in killing yourselves and jumping on the back of comets. But not accepting a scientific fact as simple as the age of the earth, is what makes your beliefs laughable.
Can someone put the flag of “logic and science” at half mast. It is a sad sad day.
If you’d like to learn something about science and facts, I highly recommend watching this.
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by Commodore on February 19, 2010
Yes Tiger, we have tickets to the gun show
Tiger is about to show his face and speak to the media for the first time this decade. What better way to kick off the weekend than with a drinking game. So, without firther ado…
Take a drink everytime you hear Tiger Woods say:
- Sorry
- Regret
- Family
- Responsibility
- Pain
- Remorse
Take 2 drinks if you hear Tiger say:
Take 3 drinks if you hear Tiger say:
- Sex addict (or) Sex addiction
- Treatment
- The Masters
Take 5 drinks if you hear Tiger say:
- Grand Slam
- Barack Obama
- I love my wife
Go ahead and finish the bottle if you hear Tiger say:
- What can I say? I do love me some random vagina. That’s right. P-O-O-N. Poon, bitches. YAY YAY!
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by Commodore on February 18, 2010
and the parasitic companions too!
There are probably a handful of reasons to forgo a visit to the Sudanese state. Ethnic cleansings, lack of food and water, ungodly hot temperatures, sand storms, and holy-mother-fucking-shit…this thing. Bro, WTF.
Spread by contaminated drinking water, the worm larvae grow into wriggling creatures up to a metre in length, and mate inside the human body. After about a year, the 3-foot long white worms dig through the body towards the skin, releasing chemicals to burn the flesh and then spewing thousands of larvae as they exit.
Spewing. That’s all you need to know. You know what else spews? Fire hoses. That should be enough to convice you take a leisurely holiday somewhere other than Khartoum & vicinity. I would rather not die the Ellen Ripley-like death.
Worms mainly exit from the legs and arms but affected communities say they have been known to emerge from the head, sexual organs and even the eyes.
Uhhhhhhhhhh. Dear God, I most definitely do not love all of your creatures both big and small. In fact, I am openly questioning your motives for creating something like the Guinea worm. Hel-Hello God? Are you there? (cricket…cricket.)
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by Commodore on February 18, 2010
Not Commodore!
If you’re a sex-crazed man – and if you are male, you probably are – this next story is going to confuse you and might even make you start wearing a green colored label on your shirt, letting girls know that you’re “a-go”, at all times.
More than a quarter of women over 35 surveyed said they ‘never’ have sex, while in Scotland that figure rose to 38 per cent. So, what is at the heart of this phenomenon? It has always been known that women’s libido is a complex entity. Are stressful jobs and complicated lives sapping our desire to make love? Do women inevitably lose interest once they’ve had children? A recent book, The Sex Starved Wife by Michele Weiner Davis, argues there is another oft-ignored element to the debate, a troubling new trend: the decline of male desire.
Oh come on! If there is any constant in the universe, it is the unfied string theory that all men are hornier than the next guy. It’s why life perpetuates itself. Instead of pulling out, sex feels so good that we would risk being responsible for offspring for the next 25 years of our lives. That’s how good it feels. Ladies, if you are sex starved, I will do the noble, sacrificial thing, and have sex with you.
There are many reasons why men are losing their desire for their partners, including the massive rise in internet pornography, and increased stress and anxiety around work and money.
And because they get bored with their girlfriend and want to mount something else. Look, men will continue to get off. It’s like hitting the button on “the island”. If they don’t hit it, some seriously crazy shit will happen. Ladies, stay sexy, don’t piss him off with absurd relationship demands, do crazy shit in bed, and your man will still want you. It’s simple.
And to those 38% of females not having sex in Scotland…I have to say, I went to Scotland this summer and I didn’t see too many lookers. Maybe relax on the beer and the haggis and you might be a bit more attractive to the population. Now, if you are a Scottish female, are not having sex, but think you’re hot and want to prove me wrong, send your photo to browteff@gmail.com and you could be the next “Name That Hot Chick”.
Incredibly complex,
Commodore
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