Balloon Boy?  Dumb.  Paris Hilton?  Dumb.  This story?  Dumber.

Ever since Gidget, the Chihuahua best known for her purported desire for Taco Bell, went to the big drive-through in the sky this summer, we’ve been thinking about Chihuahuas, and whether or not they actually like crappy Mexican food.

Who is “we”? And does your employer know that he has a mentally challenged employee?  Sarah, you must make the Wonderlic test look like a Mensa quiz.

Ah, yes. Once exposed to the Taco Bell, Sammy was like an addict on the make, spurning his healthier treats for a few more bites of the nachos, until it was removed from under his nose.

After the earthquake in Chili, they said that the earth’s rotation sped up by a microsecond.  Well I think that the haze of stupidity emanating from this story is enough to slow down thought, reason, and the rotation of the earth a few microseconds. 

Conclusion: Yes, a Chihuahua will eat Taco Bell.

(Slow clap….standing ovation…BRAVO!)  Seriously though, please stop insulting the scientific method by throwing the word “conclusion” at the end of this.  I’ve seen dogs eat plastic bags, for shit’s sake.

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A northern Mississippi school district will not be hosting a high school prom this spring after a lesbian student sought to attend with her girlfriend and wear a tuxedo.

To be fair, in Northern Mississippi, the site of outwardly gay individuals are probably about as accepted as horses were by the Aztecs.

Itawamba County is a rural area of about 23,000 people in north Mississippi near the Alabama state line. It borders Pontotoc County, Miss., where more than a decade ago school officials were sued in federal court over their practice of student-led intercom prayer and Bible classes.

I should have guessed.  Come on folks, let’s progress.  Lesbains are not  some sort of alien species.  They are beautiful individuals and when they get drunk, go behind closed doors and decide to get naked and frisky, it is quite the awesome site.  Trust me.

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Since the dawn of man

At what point does a study become a brown paper bag of redundancy left burning on someone’s doorstep?  I mean, if I told you, “Recent studies show that eating a live grenade could be harmful” or “Human fecal matter that sits out of water has a formidable scent”, you would (hopefully) roll your eyes and think, “Gee, who didn’t know that?”  Well this study is kind of like that.

A study published Tuesday in the British Medical Journal found that the sex lives of men tend to significantly outlast those of women.

Yes.  Men are horn balls that would hump a brick wall if it got them off.  This is as redundant as seasons.  We don’t get surprised every Spring when leaves start populating trees again, so why the hell is this surprising?

“Men have more interest in sex and seem to be happier with the quality of their sexual activity, and the gender gap only widened with age,” said lead researcher Stacy Tessler Lindau, an associate professor of obstetrics and gynecology.  Men tend to have younger partners, said the study.

Hmmm?  What was that?  You were still talking?  I’m sorry, I was a little light headed from all this Viagra-filled sex with beautiful Eastern European prostitutes I was having.  Look people, the men who are old today grew up in an age where they were the main bread winners, so they have a ton of money.  Women like money.  Younger women LOVE money.  And even an old man’s sexual buttons is an Atari controller compared to the Apollo 11 lunar landing control panel that a (very) older woman’s sex drive must be. 

It’s the path of least resistance.  It’s been studied and known for millenia.  Can we move on?  WTF!

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Suckers.

Robert Downey’s character in Tropic Thunder warned Ben Stiller’s that he would never win an Academy Award if he went “full retard”.  I wish someone could give advice to our species as a whole concerning what will happen to us if we too go “full retard”, cause this is getting out of hand.

New Zealand woman sells souls to highest bidder.  Two glass vials purportedly containing the ghosts of two dead people sold for $2,830 New Zealand dollars ($1,983) at an auction that ended Monday night. The “ghosts” were put up for bidding by Avie Woodbury from the southern city of Christchurch. She said they were captured in her house and stored in glass vials with stoppers and dipped in holy water, which she says “dulls the spirits’ energy.”

Oh come ON!  If what you are buying has to be put in quotes to describe it, don’t buy it!  Avie Woodbury is “scientist”. 

She said they were the spirits of an old man who lived in the house during the 1920s, and a powerful, disruptive little girl who turned up after a session with a spirit-calling Ouija board.

So ghosts who can move between all physical mediums can all of a sudden be mildly drugged and locked up behind the impenetrable walls of a glass vial and a rubber stopper? WTF!  That’s like locking up a pedophile in a Montessory School, but giving him the keys and a jetpack and letting everyone know that the situation is under control.

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What could be the problem?

I’m going to try to come at this as objectively as possible to see if it makes any more sense without my samurai sword of subjectivity towards this particular topic.  Let me know.

Christian-based materials dominate a growing home-school education market that encompasses more than 1.5 million students in the U.S. And for most home-school parents, a Bible-based version of the Earth’s creation is exactly what they want. Federal statistics from 2007 show 83 percent of home-schooling parents want to give their children “religious or moral instruction.”

Change the word U.S. to Germany and 2007 to 1900 and that seems like something you would read in Hitler’s biography.  Speaking completely objectively, shouldn’t home schooling be illegal?  There are enough schools out there that you should be able to find a decent one.  Home schooling’s intelligence is like calling yourself a home dentist because you have a silverware set.

“The majority of home-schoolers self-identify as evangelical Christians,” said Ian Slatter, a spokesman for the Home School Legal Defense Association. “Most home-schoolers will definitely have a sort of creationist component to their home-school program.”

Oh good.

“Those who do not believe that the Bible is the inspired, inerrant Word of God will find many points in this book puzzling,” says the introduction to “Biology: Third Edition” from Bob Jones University Press. “This book was not written for them.”  The textbook delivers a religious ultimatum to young readers and parents, warning in its “History of Life” chapter that a “Christian worldview … is the only correct view of reality; anyone who rejects it will not only fail to reach heaven but also fail to see the world as it truly is.”

In case you missed it…this is a Biology book, not a Theology book.  You might as well write a biology book based on the board game “Operation”.  Fuck me.  Where’s my sword.

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Can kill

Don’t you ever wish you could be in someone else’s head to see what it’s like to:

- know things other people don’t know (Einstein)
- be pretty sure you’d be welcomed to impregnate every woman you saw (Clooney)
- have the absence of rational thought (these people)

A South Korean couple who were addicted to the internet let their three-month-old baby starve to death while raising a virtual daughter online, police said.

In their defense, video games can be awfully addictive.  In college, I once forgot to brush my teeth before bed one night after playing  Worms: Armageddon into the wee hours, so I know the feeling!

The pair fed their own premature baby just once a day in between 12-hour stretches at an internet cafe, the official Yonhap news agency reported.

Ah, see!  Had the baby come out when it was supposed to, the couple could have finished their game in peace.  I mean, when your responsibility is to raise a child for the rest of your lives, the last thing parents need is for it to arrive a few months early, throwing a wrench into their baby preparation plans.

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That's how advanced they are

The Swiss have always been a people that are looked at in a higher regard.  A land locked stepping stone in the 20th century, they thought it best to never pick sides, work on their watches, hold everyone’s money, and equip their non-existent army with amazingly handy knives.  I’d pay good money just to have a Swiss passport and look down on the rest of the world, and that was before this news came out. 

Switzerland has probably become the first country in the world to sell extra small condoms for boys as young as 12 years…Called ‘Hotshot’, the condoms have been produced after a Swiss government research revealed that 12 to 14-year-olds didn’t use sufficient protection when having sex.

Whoa!  Talk about advanced!  When I was 12, I uncomfortably came for the first time after having humped my bed.  And I thought I was the “Hotshot” when I had sex for the first time, at 15.  Little did I know, Swiss kids have the sexual know-how to direct porn movies at that age.

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You're not alone.

Is it possible to have a study so dumb and simplistic, that it actually confuses you and makes you spend far too many minutes thinking about the actual people that published their findings?  Well, if my crack reporting and delivering hasn’t given you a moment like that over the years, it surely will today.

Marriages last longer than de facto relationships the US Centers for Disease Control reported on Tuesday.  About 78 per cent of marriages lasted five years or more, compared with less than 30 per cent of what the CDC called cohabiting unions, or couples living together outside marriage.

This isn’t even the statement that will cause a pile-up on your neuronic superhighway.  Although if you spend more than 6 microseconds thinking about it, you realize that, yes, people who get married might be taking their relationship a wee bit more serious than couples who decide to just live together.  Afterall, many couples try to live together to see if marriage would even make sense.  And that is where this next statement enters the fray.

One reason cohabitations were shorter-lived than marriages is that 51 per cent of couples who lived together made the transition to marriage within three years, CDC said in a statement.

WTF!  So you’re counting the relationships that went from living together to getting married as “failing”?!  That is a quantum leap in the wrong direction in regards to information reporting.  That would be like saying: “In a 7 year period, most 15 year-olds reach the age of 21 faster than 13 year-olds do.”

This study is so dumb, LLoyd Christmas is speechless.  Maybe the CDC should stick to diseases instead of reporting on diseases instead of marriage trends.  Well, after their upcoming report where they are having 3 year-olds present data on string theory.

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