Bro, WTF?!

Boob Aprons

Commodore — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 19:55:26 +0000

This is friggin hysterical (yes, even for you ladies without a sense of humor). You might want to put on headphones for this one if you are at one of those jobs that scoffs at vile language blaring out of your computer.

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“It’s Genetic” No Longer The Safe Words For The Obese

Commodore — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 13:00:09 +0000

Ma'am, is that another fanny pack under your waist line?

Come across a rotund person whose ass cheeks are swan diving off the side of a chair in McDonald’s and they’ll tell you that they are fat because its in their genes. As a supporter of genetic theory and evolutionary biology, I had to bite my tongue and only silently judge those people. But now I can start pointing and laughing at those fat asses wealthy enough to buy healthy food but who eat bags of Funions and put the “ex” in exercise.

Academics found that people could work off around 40 per cent of the extra weight that “fat genes” laid on them by exercising. Although some people do have a predisposition to be overweight or even obese, scientists at the Medical Research Council’s Epidemiology Unit in Cambridge discovered that having an active lifestyle could go a long way to countering a person’s genetic inheritance.

I can almost hear the screams of anger and the Hostess Cupcakes hitting the floor.

Dr Ruth Loos from the MRC, who led the study, said: “Our research proves that even those who have the highest risk of obesity from their genes can improve their health by taking some form of daily physical activity.”

Picking up that Hostess Cupcake does not count, Denise!

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The Virtual Girlfriend vs. The Real Girlfriend

Commodore — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 19:55:10 +0000

Choose wisely

The Japanese have always been lauded for their technical prowess, their ingenuity and their downright sick and twisted sexual minds. From the country that brought you animation porn and blowup dolls (I’m sure they did), they now bring you a chance to go on vacation with your video game girlfriend.

In the first month of the city’s promotional campaign launched July 10, more than 1,500 male fans of the Japanese dating-simulation game LovePlus+ have flocked to Atami for a romantic date with their videogame character girlfriends. The men are real. The girls are cartoon characters on a screen. The trips are actual, can be expensive and aim to re-create the virtual weekend outing featured in the game, played on Nintendo Co.’s DS videogame system.

Still confused? Me too. If they created some sort of real life clone of my virtual girlfirend in a lab, then hell yes! But wtf is going on here in Japan? Can’t they just masturbate to online porn like the rest of us?

At the real Hotel Ohnoya, which opened its doors in 1937, the staff is trained to check in Love Plus+ customers as couples even if there is only one actual guest. Says Atsurou Ohno, the hotel’s managing director, “We try not to ask too many questions because we want them to be able to remain immersed in that game world.” Some devoted fans will go so far as to pay twice the rate—most hotels in Japan charge per guest not per room—to indulge the fantasy that they are not there alone.

Dude.

In his first visit to the real-life Atami, Love Plus+ gamer Shunsuke Kato planned to walk around the city and see the sights familiar to him from playing the game. One small hitch: his girlfriend, Manaka, was giving him the silent treatment. She was upset that he had been so busy at work that he had been playing the game only 10 minutes a day. “On days off, I spend one to two hours with her.”

This guy gave his real name? Nice thinking Shunsuke. Real-life chicks made up of cells and tissue are not exactly swept off their feet by a guy trying to win a vacation for himself and his Nintendo. Sadly, I can see this fad coming to the States any minute now.

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So What Does The Momentum Of A Moving Train Really Feel Like?

Commodore — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 13:12:17 +0000

I just love this photo

Mass times velocity. It’s a fairly straight forward equation. The equation has much a much different result when the train we are talking about is a real train and not a weightless ghost train.

Authorities say a man who was waiting with several friends for a “ghost train” from a North Carolina legend was killed when a real train came down the tracks.

Really? Because the ground shaking and the rumbling in your chest didn’t signal that you might want to get out of the way?

Iredell County Sheriff Phil Redmond says 29-year-old Christopher Kaiser of Charlotte was killed about 2:45 a.m. Friday as he waited with friends at a railroad trestle. Redmond says witnesses said about 12 people were on the trestle hoping to see a ghost train when the real train rounded a bend. Everyone but Kaiser was able to clear the tracks at the end of the trestle. The train struck Kaiser, who was thrown into a ravine.

That’s even dumber than waiting for a ghost train itself. You were waiting on a trestle – which supported active train tracks - with no exit.

The legend developed from a train wreck on Aug. 27, 1891, that killed about two dozen people and injured many others. Folklore Web sites claim the accident can be heard on each anniversary.

119 years to easily test the ridiculous theory and yet, all we still have is a “claim” and now a dead guy. Nice.

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Drunk Baboons Are Terrorizing Towns

Commodore — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 21:07:11 +0000

Yeah, drinking is fun isn't it?

That title is not a metaphor for intoxicated men looking for sex. There seriously are drunk baboons running rampant in South Africa.

Each day, dozens of Cape Baboons gather to strip the ancient vines – the sauvignon blanc grapes are a particular favourite – and head into town. Last week, a 12 year old boy was left traumatised after confronting a troop who had broken into his family home. Hearing noises from the kitchen, he went to investigate and found the beasts ransacking cupboards. When the child fled upstairs to find his babysitter, three males gave chase and surrounded him as he made a tearful phone call to his mother, while the animals pelted him with fruit.

Surrounded him and pelted him with fruit! The monkeys didn’t physically attack him, they just made him their bitch.

Chickens, geese, peacocks and even a Great Dane dog have been killed in recent weeks by the marauding baboons – the males have huge and terrifying canine teeth. Roof tiles, electric fences, orchards and vegetables gardens have been trashed. “Lunch parties in the garden are now just impossible,” a homeowner complained. “It is so unrelaxing. Rather than chatting over our meal, we are looking over our shoulders and bolting the food as quickly as we can before it is stolen. We can’t even leave a window open in summer. We are under siege.”

Holy crap! It’s like the real-life equivalent of the white bunny rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hollywood, someone please start writing this horror-comedy ASAP. Simon Pegg is available to act in it. This will be so much better than Black Sheep. (This Black Sheep)

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Parents Don’t Like Playing With Their Kids

Commodore — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 13:41:45 +0000

Maybe your kids are bored with you

There’s one thought of parenthood that always spooks me. When I’m tired and want to lay on the couch and watch TV or read a book, I apparently have to play a game with my children that intellectually or physically I am far superior than them at. This seems awfully annoying. While I can only theorize, these parents tell it like it is.

30% of mothers and fathers think playing with their offspring is boring, the survey commissioned by Disneyland Paris found.

Of course it’s boring, you idiots! You are playing a game fit for humans aged 2-4. It’s like Agent Smith fighting someone who hasn’t freed his mind yet. But these are your kids that you decided to have. You had to know that they would be 3 before they would be 18.

This sense of ennui is actually picked up by 16% of youngsters, while 55% of children want more quality fun time with their parents.

In the immortal words of Chris Rock, go take care of your kids so they don’t rob me in 10 years.

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Male Discrimination

Commodore — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 13:31:52 +0000

What gives?

I went out to lunch yesterday and was greeted with this offensive sign. You call us “gentlemen” and yet you treat us like swine. What is it with men in tank tops that is so offensive? Women can wear tank tops to work or bed, no problem. A men is better respected if we walks around with his shirt off than he does if he’s wearing a tank top.

The sad realization here is that if Team USA Men’s and Women’s basketball teams wanted to eat in this restaurant in their uniforms, after securing a gold medal for their country, the men would have to find another establishment. Talk about a glass ceiling! We just want equality. We want to be able to do whatever women can do, no more, no less.

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Name That Hot Chick

Commodore — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 01:37:11 +0000

Previous hot chick: Candace Swanapoel

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Fu*k You

Commodore — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 19:49:52 +0000

What a great way to kick off the weekend! Here’s to having this song stuck in your head for the next 3 days.

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Your Halloween Candy Is Being Prayed Over By Witches

Commodore — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 14:12:31 +0000

Maybe we should call it "Evil Corn"

Sensless religious views never get old. It’s so fun to see a group of people so sure that they are right about something so fundamentally incorrect. It makes me kind of wish that the First Amendment said, ” Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances, unless, of course, those grievances are deemed to be retarded. In that case, those people should be told to STFU.

During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure.

Here we go.

During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches. I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

Really, Kimberly Daniels? They can’t tell the difference? That’s an interesting bit of factual theorized hogwashed knowledge you have there. Are you insane? Why are people in loonie bins allowed to post blogs? Didn’t I just tell you what the updated 1st Amendment reads? Oh wait, what’s that? She’s a respected member of a community (in Florida no less)?

Kimberly Daniels is a sought-after conference speaker and preacher. She is the founder of Kimberly Daniels Ministries International (kimberlydaniels.com), Spoken Word Ministries—the church she pastors in Jacksonville, Florida, with her husband, Ardell—A Child of the King Learning Center and Word Bible College. Kim is a recognized prophetic voice as well as the author of several books, including her most recent, Prayers that Bring Change.

I bet ‘Rational Thinking 101″, “Fictional Story Telling” and “Advanced: Are you for Fucking Serious?” are not taught at her World Bible College.

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