by Commodore on January 31, 2010
Ooo look! A strawberry!
Look, I’m all for the freaky deeky when it comes to action between the sheets, and I understand that everyone has fantasies and fetishes but there has to be rules. And whatever those rules are, this company just broke them.
Click on that site. Just do it. That strawberry might be real but that is not a real foot, people! You can buy a fake foot with a vagina on its sole for $99. And if you wanted to, you could stick what looks like a plastic baguette into that orifice. Don’t take my word for it, just look here.
What. In. The. World?
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by Commodore on January 29, 2010
minus a penny
Most people who work hard for a decade expect to either have enough money to retire, enough money to buy a house, or enough money to buy a wife. Janet Maitland worked hard for a decade to get enough money to buy a…a…jeez, I don’t know what 14 cents could buy you these days.
Janet Maitland is nothing if not a good telephone services consumer. Back about a decade ago, she got her long distance phone service through Costco. It was called TTI and it offered a smoking deal. She had put $5 on account and nearly a decade later, she still has 14 cents left. But then out of nowhere, that 14 cents disappeared. “It is 14 cents, but it is my 14 cents,” she said.
Jesus Christ, lady. I can’t even say you’re nickel and diming them because, well because 14 cents is less than a nickel and a dime. You have undershot the term “nickel and diming”. That’s impressive. That’s like having a menage a trois with one other person.
Soon after, Maitland got a check for 14 cents.
Yaaaaaaaaay. I love street justice.
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by Commodore on January 28, 2010
Ted, be like Lance and stop fighting it
Watching an evangelical Christian trying to rationalize her husband’s homosexual behavior as merely, “unwanted compulsions” makes me giggle.
Ted Haggard’s wife is standing by her man, no matter how many times he may have had homosexual affairs. Gayle Haggard appeared on the “Today” show on Wednesday to talk about her new book, “Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made In My Darkest Hour,” and declared that her one-time Evangelical superstar husband was “cured” of his homosexual compulsions.
Who on earth is going to buy this book? You stayed because you’re scientifically misinformed, you’re crazy, and he’s rich. We get it. Stop writing please.
“I felt as though, you know, we all struggle, you know, in different areas of our lives, and certainly in our sexuality, so I was willing to forgive him.”
Well Gayle, don’t let him watch Justin Timberlake’s performance of “Halleluja” from the Hope for Haiti telethon. Trust me. You don’t want your husband’s “gay” to be reignited since your relationship is doing so well. Either way, have fun being married to a homosexual for the rest of your life. Toodles!
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by Commodore on January 27, 2010
by Commodore on January 27, 2010
This guy.
You know, my favorite articles are the ones that practically write themselves. Ones that actually make you say, “Bro, WTF?!” as you read it. For instance…this article.
Paul Shirley, the former NBA player who still plays pro basketball, penned a long letter today about Haiti and the consequences of its earthquake. He begins the letter by stating that he has not donated to relief efforts in Haiti and “probably will not… for the same reason that I don’t give money to homeless men on the street. Shouldn’t much of the responsibility for the disaster lie with the victims of that disaster?”
That’s true compassion from someone who luckily grew up in a society that did all the work for him as far as laying down the infrastructure of civilization. Responsibility? Kind of like when you soon hopefully get beat up and you try to call the cops and they say, “The responsibility to get you out of your predicament falls on you, sir.”
His letter gets even better.
Dear Haitians -
First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Your commitment to human rights, infrastructure, and birth control should be applauded. As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?
Sincerely,
The Rest of the World
That son of a bitch stole my style! Well the intro and outro, not so much the meat of the message. Anyhow,
Dear Paul Shirley,
Shirly you can’t be serious? And yes, I’m calling you Shirley. Please refrain from using the pronoun “we” when describing the selfless acts that the rest of the world are conducting on behalf of the less fortunate. Since you aren’t giving a dime of cash or a dime of your time, and since you are a piece of shit, you cannot ever say “we”, because you are not a part of the global “us”. The current generations of Haitians are paying the price for many years of unfortunate events, and do not deserve your pompous holier than thou comments, especially at a time like this.
What if this earthquake devastated Rome and its citizens were buried under rubble? Should we help them? Or is the world every man for himself? It sounds like you think it is. So fuck the French for saving us in the Revolutionary War. Those bastards shouldn’t have given us shit. The British were our problem. Part of me wishes that the French would have never saved our asses back then so that your ancestors wouldn’t find America such a lovely place to live and give birth to your douchebag self.
I guess you think that we should have let Hitler run wild on the whole of Europe too because it was the fault of Europe and its residents when they decided to build their societies in close proximity to a soon to be madman. You lived the fortunate life of growing up in the late 20th century in a plentiful country, because of:
a) blind luck and
b) the back breaking efforts of people who sacrificed so future generations (that you are a part of) could have more.
Remember, you did NOTHING to deserve the life you were born into. You were given it. You should spend your life earning the good fortune you were so blessed to have been graced with. Earning it by possibly shutting your fucking mouth and maybe donating $10 bucks to people that just lost everything.
Paul Shirley, you and those that think like you are the worst that billions of years of evolution have produced. And by the way, you fucking SUCK at basketball.
Sincerely,
Browtf…on behalf of The Rest Of The World
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by Commodore on January 26, 2010
You'll never hit 40mph with that form
Shouldn’t we be focusing our scientific energies on dealing with depleted food stocks, overpopulation, a dimishining supply of fossil fuels, and bringing 3D porn to the mass market, instead of guessing how fast humans can run one day?
A man able to run at 40mph would cross the finishing line in a 100 metre sprint race in 6.67 seconds – just as Olympic and world champion Bolt reached the 60 metre mark. Scientists calculated the ultimate possible running speed by calculating the quickest rate at which muscles in the body can biologically move.
Ohhhhhh k. So how does this help anyone right now, exactly? Marty McFly taught me that we are capable of riding on hover boards but until I see it, why should I be concerned about it? Should we walk up to fat and ugly people and say, “You know…biologically you could be prettier?”
Can’t we only run as fast as someone can run right now? Is Usain Bolt not the fastest person on earth, since biologically humans can run faster than him? This is like that stupid Beatles song in the Blackberry commercials. “There’s nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.” No shit. I just sang it, so clearly it can be sung. Why are we philosophizing about this?
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by Commodore on January 25, 2010
Let's lose our minds
I don’t know why I don’t claim that images of biblical characters appear to me in dryer lint or whatever, because I think I could make a killing off the moronic. This lady is set to make a few bucks, sadly.
A local woman found a potato chip with what appears to be the image of the Virgin Mary on it. Jane Symington found the edible Virgin Mary lookalike in a bag of Lay’s potato chips on Friday afternoon. Symington told FOX25 that she plans to put the chip on eBay.
That’s the entire article. I know in-depth reporting when I see it. This woman could also sell this potato chip if people were obsessed with images of a boot, or New Hampshire, or Vermont (depending on how you held it), or a cock and balls.
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by Commodore on January 22, 2010
Why don't you cry about it?
I seriously wish studies like this could be printed and distributed to people in the third world. I’d love to see their responses. In fact, why don’t we print out a million copies of this and drop the leaflets over Haiti right now. They need to understand that they are not the only ones suffering in this world. Sheesh!
From the foods we eat, to the television channels we watch, to the schools we send our children too and the career we choose to pursue, society has never offered us so much variety. But while the ability to choose is generally a good thing, too much freedom of choice is crippling us with indecision and making us unhappy, claims the new research.
Well Boo. Fucking. Hoo. Are we even serious anymore? Does anyone feel sorry for someone that has too many choices in life? We will find a reason to be unhappy about anything. Why? Because we don’t appreciate shit. We would search for a way to find misery while 10 women pleasure us in a mountain top villa made out of money, overlooking Iguacu Falls.
The study believes that the problem is that when you have too much choice, you become obsessed about what your decision will say about you.
There we go again. Thinking we matter. I wonder when we’ll ever learn. In the meantime I’m gonna go cry because I don’t know if I want a T-Bone steak or Chilean Sea Bass for dinner. Stupid choices. How am I supposed to live like this?! This is unbearable.
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by Commodore on January 21, 2010
No one wants this
I read Chris Anderson’s “Long Tail” and I am aware of the endless niche markets that have presented themselves in this new economy. But just because an idea be thought up, doesn’t mean that there is a niche for it.
A new professional basketball league boasting rosters made up exclusively of white Americans has its eyes set on Augusta. The All-American Basketball Alliance announced in a news release Sunday evening that it intends to start its inaugural season in June and hopes Augusta will be one of 12 cities with a team. “Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league,” the statement said.
Talk about a slam dunk! Shazaaaam!
Don “Moose” Lewis, the commissioner of the AABA, said the reasoning behind the league’s roster restrictions is not racism. “There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he said. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”
Because what’s less racist than saying that only white people can play fundamental basketball? Jesus Christ. You know, I think Hitler had this idea too. The only way this could be more racist is if the league’s slogan was, “Fuck black people and their monkey-like athleticism.”
What’s next? An engineering school that doesn’t let Asians in so that everyone else can seem smarter? What? What’s the problem? People don’t like having to compete with hard working Asian students. It’s not racist!
1 Comment
by Commodore on January 20, 2010
Yeah, keep us out of it
The Internet has become a bastion of nonsensical information, probably half of which would cease to be posted if people thought for 2 seconds. Things like this.
My 68-year-old mother-in-law refuses to take a bath but once a week. Is this healthy or even legally acceptable? Please help.
This was a question posted on cnn.com in their “Expert Q&A” section. Legally acceptable? I can’t believe its legally acceptable for this person to even pose this question. Here’s some advice, FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT ON YOUR OWN. Chances are, your 68-year-old mother-in-law is not going to change, no matter what you say. She still hates you for marrying her child and thinks her daughter settled for you. The fact that she stinks is your family problem, not anyone elses. How this question and its “expert” answer gets shared with the world is the only thing disgusting and unhealthy.
Come to think of it, what the hell is a pediatrician doing being an expert on what elderly people should or shouldn’t do? WTF.
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