December 2009

Ta daaaa!

Dear World,

The Blow Job.  There isn’t a job on this planet that a man would rather have.  Actor.  Ball player.  Czar of the galaxy.  None of them compare to “The Job of the Blow”.  But where on earth does the term come from?  Some say it has to do with jazz musicians in the 1950’s describing a woman conducting fellatio as “playing the skin flute”.  A flute is blown into, and the act does take a bit of work, so they came up with “Blow Job”.

Some people say that the term comes from Victorian England. I am told that at that time, folks would refer to women of questionable character as “blowsy?” It’s not hard to connect the dots from there.

Others pass the naming torch to none other than Samuel Clemens (a.k.a Mark Twain) as coining the phrase “below job.” By Mississippi riverboat vernacular, “get b’low” meant to “get below deck”.  It is also the reference to where the female’s head ends up when giving oral sex.

Three grotesquely different answers that couldn’t be further apart, like the points of an equilateral triangle.  Whatever the etymology behind the statement actually is, it’s flawed and I’m here to fix it.

It starts with the word “blow”.  It couldn’t be more incorrect.  At what is definitely the most important dramatic scene in the movie Spaceballs (that fact that I’m arguing about a dramatic scene in this movie means that you should just concede this point to me), Lord Helmut’s giant galactic vacuum cleaner is sucking the air off an entire planet.  And everyone is yelling, “Suck!  Suck!  Suck!”  But then something happens.  Lonestar uses the force and flips the switch on the giant maid making her action go from suck…to blow!  The 2 words are polar opposites.  Antonyms.  Spaceballs says so.  And if you had to pick one of the two, “suck” is a much more appropriate verb than “blow” is when describing the act of fellatio, no?

In fact, Encarta’s World dictionary has these definitions for suck.

suck (verb)

1.            to draw the liquid out of something with the mouth
2.            to hold something in the mouth and make movements with the tongue and lips as if drawing liquid out of it
3.            to consume something by making it slowly dissolve in the mouth, rolling the tongue around it and making pulling movements with the cheeks and lips
4.            to draw something out of a container (often passive)
5.            to pull or draw something somewhere with a powerful or irresistible force

(noun)  an act of sucking something

Are you kidding me?!  Pretty much every single one of those definitions could be a “How It Works” description of a blow job.  Quite frankly, the first two could be in the “How To” directions.

So now we have “suck job”.  This is a much more accurate portrayal of the deed but it’s still not 100% accurate.  “Job” sounds too official and mundane.  Jobs should be the daily makeup of someone’s career, not the title of a sexual act. (Now, if you’re giving head for a living, feel free to call it whatever you would like).  Conducting fellatio is more of a task than a job.  Tasks can be a challenge that must be accomplished quickly and excitedly, like, “I can finish a suck task quicker than anyone,” or an assignment too annoying to undertake, such as, “If you think I’m gonna perform a suck task tonight, you’re out of your friggin mind.”

Now, sticking 3 inches of a 6-inch meat cylinder in your mouth while trying to keep your mandibles clear of the skin like you were playing Operation, but somehow making your lips into a penis sheath, is not an easy task.  And someone grabbing your hair, trying to aid inches 4, 5 and 6 in, forcing inches 1, 2, and 3 to push down your esophagus (or sometimes windpipe) while hot gooey liquid can shoot into your mouth without any warning, sounds like a recipe for disaster (and I don’t envy you), but it is just a task nonetheless.¹

But for us boys, the task you are providing is no task on our end.  It’s entertainment.  It is a vacation.  We actually sit there and think, “Holy shit, my penis is in someone’s mouth.  This is awesome.”  It feels like a gift. It feels like a treat.  Yeah, a treat.  That’s it!  Suck treats.  “Suck treats” is much more telling of the gift we receive.  “Dude, I got the best suck treat last night!”  And ladies, if we call it that, we might appreciate them even more because we know that we shouldn’t receive treats all the time.

So to clarify, girls accomplish “suck tasks”.²  Boys receive “suck treats”.  Let’s get these terms in heavy rotation, please.

Sincerely,

Browtf

¹After all, you refer to man’s attempted navigation of the clitoris labyrinth as “eating out” like it was as simple as grabbing a sandwich “to go” from Denny’s.  It’s more like eating at the restaurant of You’re Never Going To Order The Right Thing.  Or it’s sometimes referred to as “going down on you”, like we merely had to duck behind a couch in a game of hide-and-seek.  No, it’s like hiding behind a couch for hide-and-seek and finishing a mensa quiz while spinning on our heads.

²Except for whores.  Whores who LOVE finishing suck tasks almost as much as guys love receiving them (you know you’re out there, ladies) can’t call it a task anymore, it’s too fun for them. They too have to say that they give the best suck treats because God knows who’s enjoying the act more.  Girlfriends/Wives who do it simply because it’s part of the committed relationship charter, can refer to them as “suck projects”. More annoying than a task but not as demoralizing as a job.

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