From the monthly archives:

October 2009

We Aren’t The Only Animals That Like Oral Sex

by Commodore on October 30, 2009

Oh you like 69-ing too?!

Hey there Mr. Fruit Bat. How’s it uhh, hanging? I think you and I could be friends. I think we should go get a steak dinner sometime and talk shop because I just found out that you and I have a lot more in common than just eye balls.

Min Tan of China’s Guangdong Entomological Institute recorded and carefully observed the mating habits of 60 fruit bats she captured in the wild. To her surprise, she found that, in 70 percent of the sexual encounters, the female bat would lick the shaft of her partner’s penis.

I’m listening.

For one thing, sexual encounters that involved oral stimulation lasted, on average, 100 seconds longer than those that didn’t.

Seriously, Mr. Fruit Bat, I tell female humans this all the time and they think I’m joshing them! I mean if they just followed your ladies’ techniques, these females could be getting 116 seconds of hot sex from me!

Male bats lick their own penises after sex to clear away bacteria and fungi.

I’m buying you a 2 shots, Mr. Bat. One for the obvious reasons and two, because fiddling with a condom with your little hands must be a BITCH, but you know you can’t trust where your lady friends have been so what other choice do you have than to lick away bacteria??? NOT get a blow job???? (Ridiculous amount of laughter, pointing and high fives.)

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No One Is Buying This

by Commodore on October 30, 2009

Right.

If you’ve visited any sports site in the past months, you’ve most certainly seen this ad and this guy’s face. They can’t be serious, can they?

Snoring isn’t just bad for your relationship with your bed mate — it’s bad for your health too… but wearing a simple chinstrap to sleep can be an effective treatment for sleep apnia.

Wanna talk about what’s not good for your relationship? Your girlfriend waking up next to you while you have half of the Hannibal Lecter mask on.

Stephen Matthews, inventor of the My Snoring Solution chinstrap suffered from OSA until a flash of inspiration prompted him to wear a makeshift chinstrap to sleep.

His girlfriend was not there to interject because she didn’t exist. Nothing turns a girl on quite like a chin strap. But you gotta get the right one, buddy. Stephen, why don’t you try “The Accomodator” out, get some sleep and get a girl off at the same time.

Now THAT's a chin strap worth buying

Yeah girls…you know…those female thingies.

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Elisabeth Hasselbeck Still Doesn’t Get It

by Commodore on October 30, 2009

Dear Elisabeth

We usually stay away from the media mainstream ho hum here, but Mrs. Hasselbeck is so retarded, I shouldn’t be the only one that has to be dumbfounded by her idiocy.

With three kids, does The View’s Elisabeth Hasselbeck have plans to get pregnant again? “No, I don’t,” she said Monday on Barbara Walters’ SIRIUS XM radio show, Here’s Barbara. “If something happened and I was pregnant again … I don’t know how that would happen, because I’m clearly avoiding my husband,” former NFL quarterback Tim Hasselbeck.

Becuase that’s just what good looking, rich, horny dudes love the most. NOT getting any ass from the only woman they agreed to sleep with. Elisabeth, how do you plan on keeping your husband’s cock at bay?

“My strategy is dressing in a way that will not get me pregnant.” How does she dress so that she doesn’t get pregnant? “Nothing too cute,” she said. “I’m trying to wear nothing too revealing.”

Elisabeth, do you think your husband’s penis can be fooled? Do you think it’s as easy to mess with as the Beef Jerky Sasquatch. We’ll you’re wrong. As barbaric and stupid as his penis may seem, its senses are actually most like the Predator. 5 days without sex and it doesn’t matter if you are wearing a Bio Hazard suit. Tim Hasselback’s penis can see tits, ass and vagina through that. It has senses you didn’t even know it had.

But be careful on not “feeding” it, Elisabeth…after 5-7 days, Predator-Penis can’t tell the difference between your vagina and the next woman’s vagina. You think that Tim’s rod of love only works when he sees your cleavage? Stop flattering yourself. A vulture may prefer a dead lion’s carcass. But a hungry vulture ain’t gonna pass up a dead buffalo, now is it?

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She Was What?

by Big Lou Al Timber on October 29, 2009

RIP - Folk Singer Eaten by Coyotes - SERIOUSLY!

You know those times you look at the title of an article and you literally say: “what?” to your computer screen? I just did that.

“Canadian folk singer killed by coyotes, park official says”

I know the winds have picked up around here and shit, so probably my eyes are deceiving me. Let me read that one more time….

Yup, Canada still has folk singers.

“Mitchell was recently nominated for Young Performer of the Year honors by Canadian Folk Music Awards. She was touring the Maritime provinces and had a break between gigs to go hiking Tuesday, her manager, Lisa Weitz, said in an e-mail.”

Canadian Folk Music Awards? I’d like to see the invite list to that blowout:

1) Peter

2) Paul

3) and Mary

4) and of course some fat guy with a banjo to hand out the awards

Let’s be honest guys being a folk singer is like wearing a comb-over. It’s a last ditch effort and it’s usually reserved for the absurdly weak. Without sounding TOO rude, bitch probably had it coming.

And for the record, simply so I don’t sound like too much of an ass, NO other coyote attack had ever occured there. In fact, I don’t think coyotes have ever in the history of the world attacked anything other than a fox, or sometimes a rabbit.

Hey folkie, in heaven learn how to throw a punch alright, it’ll help you next time around.

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Bush League

by Commodore on October 29, 2009

Stop doing that!

Everyone knows that kicking a guy in the nuts is the ultimate cheap shot. Kicking a guy in the nuts when he’s not expecting it, is downright criminal. Kicking a random guy in the nuts for no good reason, while he’s walking down the sidewalk is enough for eternal damnation, in my book.

Men walking about in Langley should be wary after a woman viciously kicked a man, Anthony Clark, in the groin, causing him to lose a testicle.

Come again.

Clark was walking along 200th Avenue in the Brookswood area of Langley one afternoon in early September when he passed his assailant on the sidewalk. “I was looking down and then I took a passing glance and saw her walk up to me,” he said. That’s when the young woman inexplicably kicked him in the groin hard enough to send one of his testicles into his abdomen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen lady, Fight Club was a good movie, but what Tyler Durden meant by starting a fight with someone was to prove to you that deep down, most people don’t want to fight. He didn’t mean that you should be sneaking up on dudes and booting their testicles into their abdomen. Not even in the most loosely philosophical interpretation of his message.

The force of the assault had caused his testicle to rupture. It had to be removed and will be replaced by a prosthetic.

Jesus H. Christ! Where’s Ryan Phillippe’s character from the intro scene from The Way of The Gun when you need him? (Watch here if you haven’t seen it.)

The suspect is described as a Caucasian woman, in her late teens or early 20s. She was between five foot five and five foot seven tall, and 130 pounds with a slim build, and brown hair.

She sounds cute. But she’s obviously ugly, her boyfriend just broke up with her and she’s in a serious “guy hating” phase. Anthony Clark, The Commodore (metaphorically, of course) feels your pain.

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Name That Hot Chick

by Commodore on October 29, 2009

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Guys, They’re DEAD, It Doesn’t Matter!

by Big Lou Al Timber on October 28, 2009

Ranking how rich dead people are = POINTLESS

I’m sure I didn’t just read that Forbes tracks dead people’s money. Because that would be ridiculous. Utterly fucking ridiculous. But no….

“Forbes magazine’s ninth annual list of top-earning dead celebrities was unveiled Wednesday…”

That’s right, a list of dead people that make billions more dollars than I do, but they’re dead. How is this even remotely relevant? I mean, these people ARE NOT LIVING!

“Late French fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent debuted in the No. 1 spot with an estate that earned $350 million in the year after his death from brain cancer in June 2008.”

Hey…Guys…Yves is dead! Discussing his billions of dollars is irrelevant! This is like jotting down a list of guys in heaven that are sleeping with more virgins than I am. Or tracking whose farm on facebook has more cabbages. It’s fucking irrelevant! Who cares! Because guess what, if he’s dead he can’t spend any of that money!!! Are we serious here!?!

Of course we are: “To place on this year’s list, “delebs” — industry speak for dead celebrities — had to earn at least $6 million between October 1, 2008, and October 1, 2009.”

Stop it. Stop it right there. What industry refers to “delebs”….seriously. Come on.

WTF!

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Not Gonna Happen

by Commodore on October 28, 2009

Correct.

Evolution, death, and desires to have sex with a rrrrreally fat chick, just once. All facts of life (at least for guys). You can throw in one more indesputible fact: People will smoke weed at a Phish show in Indio, CA. I am more sure of that that I am of the geometric shape of the earth. But police are funny, aren’t they?

Indio police are encouraging attendees at this weekend’s Phish Festival 8 to refrain from smoking marijuana to have a good time.

Telling Phish fans at the Coachella grounds to have a good time by not smoking weed is like telling a fish that he can have just as good of a time flopping around in a boat compared to swimming around in water.

“The bottom line is just don’t do it,” Indio police spokesman Ben Guitron said. “Don’t make it a memorable experience in the county jail.”

Mr. Guitorn, if you plan on making good with your threat, I hope you have leased out Army troop transport vehicles and your county jail is as large as the Bastille. Otherwise, relax. It’s weed. This isn’t a baby burning festival.

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You PUSSY!

by Big Lou Al Timber on October 27, 2009

seriously bro.

First of all, my apologies to all the wonderful Big Lou Al Timber fans. I know I’ve left you hanging over the past couple days, but I’m back and I’m as pissed as ever (American pissed, not gay British pissed.)

Dude, YOU ARE SUCH A PUSSY!

“A Baltimore city police officer was charged with assault after he pulled a gun on a haunted house character over the weekend.”

Get that, a haunted house character. As in, this cop went to a haunted house, got scared by the silly guy with the fake chainsaw, and pulled a fucking gun on him! WTF!

“”I was doing my normal scene at the haunted house, and as I was going out the backdoor with the chainsaw, the officer pulled his gun on me. Basically, he put his gun to my chest and as I was going back in, he said he was a cop,” Morrison, the man in the costume, told 11 News.”

At what point did this really seem like a logical action? Oh, THAT point:

“Callers said he seem to be very intoxicated. In fact, the people inside the House Of Screams noted that. When he was being process, two of the officers noticed his speech was slurred and there was a moderate odor of alcohol coming from his breath.”

Nice job dude, enjoy hanging up your badge. I hear the haunted house is hiring, maybe you can apply there?

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Incomprehensible and Deplorable.

by Commodore on October 27, 2009

Bro, wtf.

We usually carry a comical tone here, but this story made me so irate, that my heart has been racing for the past 15 minutes. Today, I’m ashamed of being human. If you didn’t believe in the death penalty before you read the following, you surely will now. And I’m talking death by being pulled apart by horses, death like William Wallace died. None of this lethal injection pussy shit. Because seriously bro, what the fuck…

Richmond police have arrested a second suspect in connection with the two-hour gang rape of a semiconscious 15-year-old outside her homecoming dance at Richmond High, authorities said Monday night.

You read that correctly. But it gets worse.

Authorities said people took photos, laughed and some joined in as the girl was repeatedly assaulted. The victim, a student, remained hospitalized Monday with injuries that were not life-threatening. Detectives believe as many as six other men raped the girl as she lay semiconscious on a courtyard bench, also beating her, taking pictures and stealing her jewelry. “As people announced over time that this was going on, more people came to see, and some actually participated.” Investigators said as many as 15 people, all males, stood around watching the assault, but did not call police or help the victim.

Somebody please start a nuclear war. We don’t deserve to be here anymore. We just don’t. It’s as simple as that. Aliens, please destroy us. Meteors, please hurry. It’s time.

“Obviously we’ve had some breakdowns. Obviously, it was not safe because this happened,” said Charles Ramsey, a West Contra Costa school district board member. “Should we have had higher awareness, should we have been more vigilant? Probably.”

Probably sir? Probably? PROBABLY? With no due respect sir, you probably should have brought an umbrella when it starts raining. You probably will finish this movie before you fall asleep. When a half conscious 15 year-old girl is beaten, and raped repeatedly for TWO HOURS while a crowd laughs, takes photos and even joins in on the gang rape, under your watch…you unequivocally, most certianly, without a shred of doubt, should have had higher awareness and more vigilance.

To the people who joined in, laughed, watched, robbed, beat, took photos and said nothing…I hope you die a slow, painful death while people giggle their fucking asses off. Dexter or the Boondock Saints…do what you do, please. I know I’ll be cheering as loud as possible.