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From the monthly archives:
September 2009
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Good job Tufts. I guess you want war instead.
Being on the top bunk slowly oscillating back and forth while your roommate on the bottom bunk is fornicating – a lot louder than they think – is part of the college experience. You couldn’t possibly try to regulate it. Could you???
Sex in a dorm at Tufts University is fine. Sex in a Tufts dorm with your roommate there? That’s a no-no. The Boston-area school has a new policy this semester banning sexual activity while a roommate is in the same room.
Gosh. The 72 year-old PRIME MINISTER of Italy is having orgies with 20 year-olds, 3 times a day in the town square and the Italian population shrugs its shoulders, rolls its eyes and continues its life…in tight fitting tank tops and capri pants, of course.
Us? We find any way we can to ban sex, thinking nothing of the people who love to masturbate to the sound of other people having sex in a dark room. Sheesh!
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"possibly" overdosed on cocaine...
I now love the New Your Medical Examiner, specifically for his ability to dumb shit down to a level so fucking obvious, my hampster could comprehend. And for the record, I’m not sure I would have put the pieces together on this one had CNN not stepped in. Thank GOD for CNN.com.
“Adam “DJ AM” Goldstein’s death last month was an accident caused by “acute intoxication” from a combination of cocaine and prescription drugs, the New York medical examiner said Tuesday.”
Ah HA! I totally get it now! Seriously…
Let me remind you of a couple things:
1) DJ AM was a….D.J. I mean, have you seen Samantha Ronson? Or any other DJ for that matter? Seriously…
2) He dated Nicole Richie
and the real kicker
3) “Goldstein’s body was found August 28 in his New York apartment with a crack pipe nearby and a half bag of crack cocaine and prescription drugs in the home, a police source told People.com.”
I mean coooooommmme oooooonnnnn! You didn’t really need to “examine” this did you?
“The medical examiner said Goldstein, a self-described crack cocaine addict, died from an accidental overdose due to the combined effects of cocaine, Oxycodone, Vicodin, Ativan, Klonopin, Xanax, Benadryl and Levamisole, a drug used to cut cocaine.”
KEY WORDS: self-described. He called himself a fucking coke head. Call me pig-headed, but I don’t think that needs any explanation what-s0-ever! Dude did a boatload of drugs and killed himself! End of story!
But importantly, CNN clears up any further confusion with this nugget: “The 36-year-old DJ and entrepreneur had 11 years of sobriety before his death.”
Really? WTF!
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And I can't believe you have no friends!
Cnn.com’s love affair with “The Frisky” has to be the worst partnership since assless and chaps. “The Frisky” is less useful in life than a sack of dirty socks when you’re starving. I mean, what the fuck is this?
Let me be clear: I do have girlfriends. I’m not incapable of being friends with women. I have some really great female friends who are all regular-looking like me. When we bicker, we get over it. But when a normal-looking woman like me befriends someone who is model-pretty, there’s trouble.
So glad this is on cnn.com. I seriously just went through the whole article to find the most ridiculous quote to put up on here but it’s really the whole damn thing. It’s complete and utter nonsense. It’s a “normal-looking”woman’s random thoughts that just go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on with no end in sight, I mean it just keeps going and going without a logical thesis or an important point whatsoever, it’s just gibberish, hogwash, malarky and it’s embarrassing that it is on an international news page. Do you know what I mean????????? It’s filled with examples of “I wish I was prettier but I am going to pretend that I’m happy with my personality” blah blah and then it ends with these words of wisdom:
I could go on with other examples of disagreements with attractive women where I ended up getting ditched, but I think you get the point. It’s their loss, I think, because they could have had a friend who stood up to them. That’s an asset, ladies. But it’s my loss for being so stubborn about arguments that I lose friendships over them. I’m just unwilling to be a butt-kisser. I really, really can’t do it.
Wait. It’s their loss, you think?…Oh, now it’s your loss? Jessica, get some help and sort your life out. Cnn, get relevant.
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paid for with a chicken!
Apparently Zimbabwe hasn’t joined the party yet. And by “party” I mean, 20th century. I know, I know, we’re in the 21st century, what am I thinking right? No. Zimbabwe hasn’t left the fucking stone ages:
“Zimbabwe’s education system is beginning to battle back from years of neglect and an exodus of teachers. But many parents still find it impossible to pay the U.S. $24 a year fees and some resort to using chickens as payment.”
Chickens.
God. Damn. Chickens? I mean, I don’t know if I even believe that sentence. Somebody must be pulling my leg.
“The families of some children are so poor they cannot afford the reduced fees of U.S. $2 a year — only a quarter of the children have the funds. Some parents have even resorted to paying fees in chickens and other life stock. Ndlovu said: “When the parents bring a chicken to sell or to offer as school levy, teachers sometimes buy it, so if they agree on the price, the teacher would get the item, pay the fees, and then if there is any change, he would give the parent the change.”
Dude, read that sentence again! When the parents bring a chicken to sell…THAT IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!
How bad do things literally have to be in order for $24, a year’s worth of tuition, be paid for with a smelly animal? This Mugabe guy should be shot!
WTF!
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I love this photo
Recently, I went to a Kings of Leon concert and after the show I was drunk with some friends playing frisbee in the parking lot (frisbee is not gay). An errant throw ended up hitting another gentlemen – whom we didn’t know – in the foot. This man then wanted to fight us. Like put up your dukes, we are going to punch each other in the face now, kind of fighting. People like this need take a few breaths at times of drunk territorial battles and just let some things slide because it’s just not worth it. (That and I don’t want to get punched in the face.) This guy should learn that too.
Officials say a man was airlifted to a central Florida hospital for treatment after he was severely burned during a fight over beer, cigarettes and money. Chitwood said that during the scuffle, 42-year-old John Harper dragged Fultz into a wooded area, poured gasoline on his face and lit a fire.
That’s one way to handle things. Of course, this was Daytona Beach where class and chivalry are about as present as cashmere sweaters at a Masai tribe dinner party. What kind of an upbringing does someone need to decide to ignite gasoline on someone’s face over cigarettes and beer? I found my wife cheating on me once and all I did was punch the guy really hard in the arm…and then I ran outside crying.
I bet that SOB’s arm hurt for days though.
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From Blue Shield, with love
Ok folks. Enough is enough. We need to work this thing out so that a citizen living in the most powerful (arguable) country in the world can have her hospital bill covered because she went to the ER when she WOKE UP IN A POOL OF BLOOD THAT HAD BEEN FLOWING FROM HER NIPPLE.
Doctors found a tumor and initially told Rosalinda Miran-Ramirez, she had breast cancer. A biopsy later proved that assumption false; the tumor was benign.
Well thank God for that. I can’t imagine why an insurance company wouldn’t cover that bill.
Documents from Blue Shield indicate the company had reviewed the case and determined Miran-Ramirez “reasonably should have known that an emergency did not exist.”
Yeah, what kind of an asshole goes to the hospital when they wake up in a blood soaked shirt from an open orfice on their chest? Fuckin cry baby!
WTF Blue Shield! There wasn’t a severed horse’s head in her bed. It wasn’t like her chafed nipples were bleeding because she ran a marathon. Her nipple was flowing blood. She should have had a police escort to the hospital and the president should have been notified.
Blue Shield, what Middle Ages home remedy book do you guys own that tell us what liquids to gargle to get rid of “bloody geyser nipple”?
Gosh, this country make s ton of sense sometimes.
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What the drugs told him
I guarantee this will be the craziest thing you read before the end of the year:
A high-on-drugs Dutch trucker en route to Gothenburg, Sweden, was masturbating while driving and lost control, flipping the truck and blocking multiple lanes of traffic. While in the wreckage, he kept masturbating. Under police interrogation, he kept masturbating.
When I jerk off, it takes me like 30 seconds to climax. I’m so efficient, I look like one of those kids who stack cups really fast and you can’t figure out how in the hell they did it so fast. I just know what I’m doing. We men are good at jerking ourselves off because we know what feels good and we don’t play with the tip of our penis because we already know that playing with the tip doesn’t feel good at all (listen up, ladies).
The man remained in the vehicle with his hands apparently still clasped around his own gear stick.
Two hands?? Calm down man! You’re masturbating, not playing tug of war with your pelvic bone. Now, I understand that this man was on drugs but unless he was on horse tranquilizers and he was jerking himself off with wood chips glued to his hand, he probably should have finished up before the police interrogation, give or take.
But speaking of this police interrogation, they let this dude continue rubbing one out in the interrogation room as if handcuffing him behind his back was not an option. Nice work Swedes. In America, you get tazered, billy clubbed, arm barred, and waterboarded if you pee in public.
Oh and ladies, we really are that horny all the time. Sorry.
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Nice.
Americans are fat. That is something we can all agree on. If you disagree with me, you’re probably fat and there’s no way you’re ever going to chase me down, so I don’t care what you think. Now, the arguments as to why we’re fat have been a’plenty. Shitty food, nothing to do, we’d rather shoot guns than go running, etc. But you can add a new roll to the fat.
Despite an increase in entertainment choices, watching television remains as popular as ever, according to data from the OECD’s Communications Outlook report. American households watch the box for over eight hours a day on average, twice as long as anyone else.
Come again? 8 hours? Sleeping: 8 hours, Work/School: 8 hours…ummm that leaves only 8 hours left in the day and we haven’t included commuting, eating, pooping and brickbreaker. And in these 8 hours of TV watching and not taking care of necessary bodily functions, we’re clearly not watching newsworthy programs because we are globally dumb as rocks.
Dear America, get. off. your. fucking. ass.
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